Navigating Changing Times

I hear so many people say - and I've said it myself - how quickly time moves today. We can hardly grasp that the end of 2011 is just around the corner, or that night has shifted back into light, marking another day's passing. It's not death we fear, if we fear anything at all. It's the feeling of free-falling into the dawning of a new age of Humanity - one of true peace, consciousness and Oneness - that feels unsettling at times.

It seems these days that all around me, people I know and love are experiencing big changes in their lives...including me. We are people who have spent years - if not decades - creating sacred ways to be of service to the Highest Source within ourselves and others. We are warriors of the Divine, of Spirit, of Love and Peace, of the Human heart. We imagine and believe in the creative beauty these things hold and so we set our intent on finding ways to support their expression in our world.

These days,  I actively and consciously work at the spiritual principle of non-attachment. I believe that it is our attachment to things - to outcomes, ideas, identities, stories, being right, etc. - that causes our suffering. Why? Because things are constantly changing; that is their nature. Change is all of our nature because the whole of the Universe is made of energy, and energy is not static; it is dynamic by nature.

What this means is that when we attach to something - when we want or expect it to stay the same or to be a certain way - we set ourselves up for disappointment and perhaps suffering because it will ultimately change. Change is constant, whether we choose to see it as such or not. We change with each breath, and on a cellular level, we change in each moment. Change might take a millisecond or a century, but everything always changes.

How do we navigate these changing times? How do we keep up with what's happening in our lives and in our world, especially when they seem to be happening faster? The answer as I see it is really very simple, requiring only a shift in perception and awareness:

Recognize that there is no separation: this is what we know. It has taken some brilliant quantum physicists to prove this today, yet they are proving it. We are all energy, and ultimately, energy has no separation, no definition, no borders or boundaries. It is one entity, one Being, one movement to a sacred rhythm, one expression of the creative force of "life" within the endless space of existence.

When we look into the eyes of another, we see ourselves. When we gaze upon the vastness of the ocean, we gaze upon the vastness within ourselves. When we rest into the soils of the Earth, we rest into the soils of our own Being. When we raise our heads to peer into the brilliance of the Sun, Moon, Stars and sky, we peer into the brilliance of ourselves. When we scale the heights of the grandest mountains and delve into the darkness of the deepest caverns, we scale and delve into the heights and depths within ourselves. When we stand in awe of the powers of nature, we stand in awe of the powers within our own Being. When we search the whole of the Universe, we search the whole of ourselves.

As you move through your life, interacting with all that it holds, know that the whole of what you encounter is you. When you recognize yourself as the whole of the Universe and the whole of the Universe as yourself, then choosing how to navigate these rapidly changing times becomes easy: Do it with Non-Attachment, Compassion, Equanimity, Joy and Love because that's what life commands - yours, mine and everything elses.

Let your own heart be your guide - not out of fear, guilt, shame or obligation, but from your deepest knowing of the Oneness of all things. One powerful spiritual teacher taught it most clearly when he said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." That's a mighty powerful guiding principle to live your life by...

You Can't Cheat Death

Maia's ashes.

When death visits, her touch is swift, unquestionable, unyielding and unavoidable. Even if there's a process to go through before we take our final breaths, there is no escaping the power of death's ultimate touch. One touch - however gentle, however harsh - and death happens...

The body goes cold and lifeless when its soul leaves. Stephen Levine describes death as "the shaking loose of the body." It's the mysterious soul that animates the body, gives it life and vibrancy. Without the soul, the body is as an empty vase from which all the flowers have been plucked and the water poured out.

But it's not necessarily death itself that is unsettling or even disturbing. It's all the fallout that comes after death. And I'm clear that aside from my emotional state of grief around losing my beloved companion Maia, my mind is the instigator of any suffering over it that I'm experiencing.

I hit the wall of anger yesterday. After feeling fairly numb for two weeks, yesterday I got mad. I awoke from an early morning dream about Maia. She'd been resurrected from death by a dear friend who brought her to me with joy in his heart. Maia came trotting over to me, bright-eyed and tail-wagging.

I was stunned! I squatted down to hug and love on her, happy to feel her touch again yet deeply aware that something was wrong: This is wrong; she's not supposed to be here. I'll have to go through all of this again; I don't want to go through this again! There was an interesting mix of emotions at her return: I was so happy to see her yet so confused by it too; it wasn't meant to be and some part of me knew that.

In the dream, it was moments before Maia coughed a couple of times (just as she'd done in this reality), took her few last breaths and died...again. You can't cheat death.

Now I have to do this all over again! The thought of restarting my grief was annoying and made me mad. The anger I felt was not at my dear friend for resurrecting my beloved dog; it was at myself for all the things I felt guilty for in relation to my dog: for forgetting to salt her food that morning; for thinking I should wait a few hours to give her a treat with salt on it instead of giving it to her immediately; for banning her from my home office space as I worked all day; for the way she laid herself against the outside of my office door, waiting sweetly, silently, patiently for me to come out; for not doing more research on her condition and how we were handling it; for not letting her eat whatever she wanted; for being gone with busyness so much of the time and leaving her behind at home... These things tear at my heart now.

And I know I cannot change them. To suffer over them is pointless, really, in the biggest sense of things. And yet I suffer; I'm not yet able to hold all of my human experiences within the biggest container possible. I'm allowing myself that; it's part of my growing and grieving process - the untangling of all my human emotions around our relationship and her death: Could I have done more? Should I have done more? Why didn't I (fill in the blank)? I wish I hadn't (fill in the blank)... 

If I could rewind our time together, what would I do differently? I ask myself this question over and over again, and yet the answer is always the same: Nothing. It wouldn't matter; you can't cheat death.

If I could bring my beloved back, would I? I ask myself this question, too, and the answer is always the same: No, I wouldn't; you can't cheat death.

At some point in our relationships, we say goodbye. This is inevitable. Death touches all things ultimately. Bringing back the dead doesn't change death; it just delays it. You can't cheat death. Death happens how and when it happens because it does. We can't change it, avoid it or control it. We can't even really completely understand it but we don't have to. All we need to know is that death happens.

And as we hold this reality close in our hearts, life deepens into something more precious than anything else. Love takes the lead. We open... and in our opening, death becomes our ally rather than our enemy. How? How is death our ally? Death (of something) is the only way to clear space for what's next. Without death, our lives and our Beings would be bursting open with old stuff that is no longer serving us to the fullest. And that's what I believe we all grow toward: our fullest be-ing. This is the greatest expression of the divine moving through us that we can offer: our fullest be-ing, which to me means living from a deep sense of love...

Death brings the ultimate transformation. Ultimately, it is the gateway to return to pure essence. Not every single death we experience (death of people, pets, ideas, dreams, thoughts, etc.) offers a return to our pure essence; I believe this is reserved for our physical death. But every death offers us the opportunity to take a tiny step toward connecting even more deeply with our pure essence... the vibration of Love.

We can fear death, hate death or love death but ultimately, we have death. Can I embrace even death with love in my heart? I'm still learning that yes I can, but I must honor my humanity and allow myself to grieve the letting go of my beloveds, too. It's a fine balance between being Human and being an expression of the Divine. By honoring my very human feelings - my grief - I clear the way for love to re-enter my wounded heart and refill it with light. The other option is to close, which doesn't appeal to me. In opening, I step even closer to what I believe is all of our divine essence - that of pure love.

So I grieve, and heal, and grow, and open in the face of death, which is ultimately all about love...

The Sacredness of Each Breath

I had more than a year to love; I had almost 10. I knew one day I would say "Goodbye" to my sweet companion; I just didn't know it would be today. But then, we often don't have the privilege of knowing when we're having our last moments with our loved ones.

My dog Maia died suddenly about an hour and a half ago. I heard her coughing on her bed, went immediately to her side and knew she was dying. Helplessness. I could do nothing but talk to her and hold her in love while she took her last breaths.

I wonder when she knew she was dying? I wonder if she knew I was there, and if she wondered why I didn't make it better like I usually can. I wonder if she slipped easily and freely into expansiveness, despite the panic and tears in my voice: "Maia? Maia? What's happening? What's happening... Oh Maia, it's ok Baby, it's ok..." I wonder if she was just as surprised as I was, or if she was ready.

Can we ever be ready for Death?

This morning my Sweetie and I took Maia for a walk with our friend and her two Great Danes, Maia's best buddies. They had fun and I even commented on how good she looked, running about with her eyes bright, ears perked and tail high - sure signs of happiness. She looked good and felt stable and healthy.

What happened? My mind churns over this pointless question, wanting to know an answer. Blood clot; I bet she threw a blood clot.  But it doesn't matter what it was. The real dilemma is grasping the notion that something can go from such joyful vibrancy to death in a matter of hours or even seconds. One minute, she's resting comfortably on her bed; the next minute, she's gasping for breath... and in a matter of seconds, cold, lifeless, empty, vacant, dead...

At least she was comfortable and content when she died. At least I was with her. At least she didn't suffer... I try to comfort myself with these thoughts, but they don't really matter. My heart is still heavy.  Lady Death leaves a hole in the heart no matter how graciously She passes.

Ironically, in two days I'm hosting a Circle Call about dealing with the body after we die. And I just spent over an hour trying to get my dog's body dealt with on a Sunday when no one wants to deal. We finally connected with a vet who has a heart and agreed to meet us at his clinic to freeze the body for pick up and cremation next week. What an Angel. After many calls to unyielding souls, this man opened his heart to humanity and took responsibility... and I don't even use his clinic! This man gave me a sense of hope for humanity; thank God for such Beings...

So here I sit, heavy-hearted, shocked, grief-stricken and empty. I'm grateful to my Sweetie and our dear friend Christine who came immediately at our call, and is helping deal with the body as well as my heart.

Ironically, today is the 10th anniversary of 9-11. We were having friends over to honor what we'd carried forward from the 9-11 experience 10 years ago, to share loving community in its shadow and to recognize that each moment is truly precious and fragile, no matter how stable it may feel.

Today, I deepen into a new level of gratitude for life... all life, and the love that flows through it every day. May we hold this precious gift in grace, recognizing that each breath is truly sacred.

A Renewal of spirit

Light Heart: 2011

This past month I did something I've never done before: I reached out to my community for financial support. I hadn't intended to, but an opportunity arose that I felt compelled to act on. It was one of those opportunities that may only arise once in a lifetime. Rather than risk missing it, I chose - not just to step out of my comfort zone but to step into my vision of community - and ask for help.

To understand how difficult this was for me, I'll share that not too many years ago I nearly killed myself during an illness because I "did not want to bother anyone." I was too dizzy and weak to do anything but crawl on my hands and knees to get to the toilet, and food was out of the question. My head felt as though it might burst with pain and pressure. I was severely dehydrated.

When help showed up at my house one late night out of worry and fear for my welfare a week later, I was so out of my head with fever and illness that I got startled; and out of my fear, I got angry and yelled at them to leave. They did, but came back the next day and took me to a doctor.

After weeks of tests, no one could identify what was wrong with me. Two rounds of antibiotics later, I began to improve so they let me stay home rather than sending me to a hospital. My Mom came to stay with me to help with my recovery, after my sister called and told her that something was wrong because I wasn't making any sense on the phone. It was a very humbling experience and one that I learned a great deal from.

Months later as I returned to myself, I realized how traumatic that experience felt to me; I'd just been too out of my head to notice it. If my friends had not stopped by, I might have died right there in my own home, for no good reason other than my own internal obstacles. I promised myself I would not do anything like that again to myself, and that I would heal whatever it was in me that kept me from asking for help even in such desperate circumstances. 

Humble Woman: Paris 2004

And so, here is the result of that healing journey. This month I stepped beyond old stories and wounding, beyond embarrassment and shame, beyond fear and excuses, choosing instead to step into a vision of community that I hold - one that is supportive, loving, intimate and authentic - in which we are all held as family. And it's been absolutely beautiful.

Not only has my community shown up to offer financial support, but they have done so with complete joy and gratitude in their hearts. They hold the vision for my expansion just as brightly as I do. They honor my journey just as deeply as I do. They are as happy as I am about this opportunity. The blessings of joy and fullness on this adventure continue to show up in my email and snail mail boxes. And every one of them is sent with pure love and a "Thank you!" to me for the opportunity to help...

My heart is bursting!! This is the kind of community I want to live in. This is the vision of community that I hold. And through this simple, heartfelt request, I've gotten to feel it and watch it in action. And it is SO humbling and wonderful. It has renewed my spirit in the community of Humankind.

And my friends, this is what it's all about: boundary-free, heart-felt love, love love just because you can...

PS: The request was for blessings and/or financial help for Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training so I can take advantage of a scholarship I was awarded and get officially certified. I think after 12 years of practicing and 4 years of teaching, it's time :) With all the loving support from my community, the rather large investment fairly quickly went from impossible to affordable. Thank You Community from the bottom of my heart!

The Heart of the Matter

Warm Heart 2008

Our hearts are so strong and yet so fragile around love.

We can open or close them. We can expose or protect them. We can risk or guard them. Yet most often we forget about them until something happens that either cracks them open or slams them closed. What is it about the heart that is so significant? So magnificent?

The heart is our gateway to our essence - the part of us that is boundless, infinite and unafraid. Through opening the heart fully we find completeness - a sense of purity, wholeness and unity with something much greater than our mentally-constructed selves. Beyond the realm of our projections, beyond the realm of our minds we find... mystery.

I call it "mystery" because we can't define it with our minds. It's a spaciousness that defies what the mind can grasp. It's not based in the past or the future. It rests in the expansiveness of the present moment which is infinite. It is only our minds that define the present moment as "finite time" in a limiting way when beyond our mental projections, there is no time, only presence.

Beyond the mind we find freedom. In the Toltec tradition, they describe the antics of our mind as "dreaming," or a mental projection, a concept or interpretation of our experiences that is not the experiences themselves. Thinking about our experiences is not the same as having them; thinking about them is a reflection of the experience, not the experience itself. Yet all too often we believe that our thoughts about our experiences are the truth when actually, they are only mental reflections of the truth.

Distortion & Reflection 1: Chicago 2008

This is what leads us to an over-identification with our minds. We believe that what the mind tells us is the truth, yet we forget that it is merely a reflection of the truth, which leaves room for personal projection and distortion. When we believe our minds, our thoughts, projections and distortions stimulate all kinds of drama and suffering in our lives, especially around matters of the heart.

Consider that having an emotion is a movement of energy through the body. The mind will enter and label the energy as something specific (e.g., pain, fear, sadness, anger, rage, joy...) and then judge whether the experience is OK or not - safe or not. When we attach labels of the mind to our experiences, we are left with stories about what's happening to us and at the deepest places within our being, our mind is assessing whether or not it's a threat to our survival so it can dictate what action to take next: fight, flight or freeze. It is also signaling the body to prepare for that action: our hormones, muscles, adrenalin, breath, etc. immediately respond to the signals of the mind.

Distortion & Reflection: Chicago 2008

The tricky part is that our physical bodies are geared to respond to the mind's signals, whether or not the mind's signals are accurate, relevant or true in the present moment. Remember that the mind is never operating in the present moment. It pulls up information from the past or projects information into the future based on the past, but it is never directly engaged with our present moment experiences.

Why? Because the mind does not directly experience anything. It gets information second-hand through our sensory and energy bodies and then interprets that information based on past experiences or future projections; but it does not directly experience anything. The mind's job is to interpret or reflect to the rest of the body what it believes is happening based on input from our sensory and energy bodies - what we see, hear, smell, taste, touch and perceive (energetically). The mind says "I recognize this sensation; it means blahblahblah and this is what we need to do next!"

Here's the problem: What the mind believes (based on history) may not apply in the present moment or the future, so it's signals limit our ability to act from the infinite field of possibilities that are available to us in each moment. This is important! By freeing ourselves from over-identifying with and believing in our mind's projections and stories about what it thinks is happening or going to happen, we open ourselves to the infinite and can move beyond old obstacles in our lives.

Over-identifying with the mind and turning our experiences into concepts and stories puts limitations on the vastness of what we truly are: the pure essence of mass, energy and consciousness. Many traditional spiritual practices are designed to create spaciousness between our mind and our pure essence so that we can become more of a witness to our mind's games rather than be driven by them. Meditative practices are a beautiful way to begin shifting away from over-identification with the mind and to build a trusting relationship with our pure essence.

Pathway to Mystery: Paris 2004

Connecting with and trusting in our pure essence is a pathway through the heart rather than the mind. When we build a stronger relationship with our pure essence, our hearts open and take rest into something much greater than what our minds can comprehend - something boundless, infinite and beyond the mind's reflections - the mystery of Being.

This is what makes our hearts both strong and fragile: in opening them to the mystery, we may feel vulnerable yet through this act we become stronger in our connection to our pure, infinite essence. It takes strength and courage to allow our hearts to open beyond the limitations and fears of the mind. And yet through that strength and courage - through opening ourselves to the mystery - we may experience what I can only describe as "pure love" (which is only a limited description and reflection of what is really an indescribable experience of what I feel to be pure love)...

Tree Teachers

Sycamore Tree. Copyright 2011

There's something magical about the coolness of the morning when the sun is just beginning to rise and the birds are singing wildly into the air from all directions. It's mid-June in Central Texas; summer will officially begin in two weeks and we are in extreme drought conditions, which makes the coolness of the mornings these days extra special. When I checked our thermometer Friday afternoon, it read 108º! I doubt that's what the weather guy will say but that's what our meter read.

 As I sat quietly with the world waking up around me, my attention was drawn to the large Sycamore trees in our backyard. I noticed some of their leaves turning colors and every once in a while, one of them would let go, gracefully finding it's way to the ground. Sycamore trees naturally shed their outer bark toward the top limbs yet the lower areas are also shedding right now, an unusual happening. It is clear they are stressed from lack of water and high heat.

For just a moment I felt bad for them and then it dawned on me: "The trees don't have a story about what's happening; they are simply doing what's needed to survive: dropping leaves to surrender anything requiring excess energy, and shedding bark to take in more nutrients however they can. They aren't afraid or questioning what's happening. They live as fully today as they ever have. Whether they'll die tomorrow is not relevant; they are focused on surviving and living fully in this moment. They are simply be-ing... or tree-ing."

What a great teacher they are for me. During these times of rapid movement and change, they gently remind me not to be afraid, question or make up a story about what's happening; not to worry about an unknown future. All I have to do is live fully in each moment, present and trusting the process to lead me to the next step, whatever that may be. Maybe it will be more life; maybe it will be death. It doesn't matter; it's all part of the natural cycle and rhythm of things. Neither is better or worse; just different.

So today I'm focusing my energy on be-ing... or people-ing, or Cecilia-ing...

What About Love?

OK - I gotta say that I'm really beginning to wonder what's happening to love in this world of ours!

Today I've been entrenched in a situation with a dear woman who was threatened by her lover of many, many years. Apparently, his behavior shifted a couple of years back following a traumatic incident he was involved in having something to do with drug deals and he's become abusive and threatening to her since then. She's been covering it up so people wouldn't know. You know - the usual of lying about the bruises and other "injuries," staying home a lot and pretending everything was A-OK...

This has been going on for a couple of years? That's a long time! We called the cops so she could file a statement and get a restraining order. Her first report to us was that this guy had threatened her but as she talked with the Deputy Sheriff, the truth emerged. Not only had he verbally threatened her but he'd "slapped" both sides of her face and pulled her hair. Then she admitted that he'd been physically abusive before and had threatened her many times.

As time went on, I noticed bruises emerging around her eyes: "That's not a slap unless he had some mighty big rings on his fingers!" The Deputy Sheriff took a closer look, changed his report and wanted to take pictures of the marks. When he asked her why she was filing now, her response was "I'm scared." When I heard her say that, I knew this was serious. This is a brave woman who is no pushover and doesn't scare easily if at all under most circumstances. Apparently, she's been trying to get him out of her house and life but every time she tries, he threatens her and has hit her several times before; she is afraid for her pets too.

Until today she felt that doing nothing was better and safer than doing something. Why today? Maybe because of the bruises on her face; maybe because of how he threatened her; maybe she's just had enough; maybe she heard something different in his tone or felt something she hadn't felt from him before... Who knows? I'm just glad that she decided to stop hiding and take a stand to reclaim her life from this deeply wounded and dangerous man.

The guy managed to grab a set of her house and car keys when he left so we called a locksmith to change all the locks on the house doors and re-coded her electric garage door opener so he couldn't get in. We moved all of his stuff into her garage and then we began to problem-solve the next move for her protection. She said, "He will be back. I know it; he has nowhere else to go and all his stuff is here. And he'll be pissed off!" That's what we're dealing with - a pissed-off, drug-involved, abusive man who has nowhere else to go.

The Deputy Sheriff suggested she not stay at her home alone, if at all. He was headed downtown to file an Emergency Protective Order on her behalf (EPO in cop lingo). The guy is on the police radar already for other things so our hope is that he'll be picked up before morning and arrested. Clearly, he is dangerous yet despite this, she didn't want to go and leave her pets and house alone. This woman argued that she could call 911 if the guy showed up, but we all discouraged that. "Sure - you can call 911 but a lot can happen in the time it takes them to get here." The cop confirmed that depending on what else was happening, it might take them a while to arrive. We talked her into staying elsewhere, at least for one night.

 How does this happen? How do two people go from deeply loving each other to deeply hurting each other? It seems that every time I turn around these days I hear of another couple I know that's divorcing, of relationships ending, of betrayals, of lies and affairs and deeply hurt hearts.  

Are we humans so scared and wounded around love that all we can do is hurt or be hurt?

Heart Matters

For the past few weeks there's been a drama happening in a dear family I know. One of the women discovered that her husband had "cheated" on her. First I will say that when someone leaves "evidence" in a vulnerable place, maybe it's true that some part of them wanted it to be found, perhaps to end the sneaking, guilt, fear and discomfort that goes with being out of your own integrity and living a lie every day. Perhaps as a catalyst for something to change that was well past its time. Perhaps as a chicken's way out of admittance. Who can really say, but somehow, some way, these types of secrets always surface.

Once when I was going through a similar situation of feeling deeply betrayed by a partner, someone said to me "Well, isn't it better to know the truth?" My answer was "Yes" although I would have preferred that the truth had always been exposed rather than it slipping through a crack in the foundation to knock me off my feet after months of what felt like secrecy and lies by omission. When you have a heart agreement with someone, to find out that they disregarded it is deeply wounding. Everything you might initially feel toward them winds up being used against yourself: the disappointment, loathing, doubt, judgement, anger, hurt, blame, etc. It's a tangled up emotional mess.

As the story of this particular situation continues to unfold, more and more drama arises. Details are being uncovered that shine a bright light on the lies that have been told; emotions are blazing; gossip is stirring... This beautiful family has been flung head-first into an ocean of confusion, anger, hurt and fear. They are all in what I call high reaction.

There's a question of whether a lie detector test should be used on the husband. "Really? Why?" I asked. Their answer: Because she wants to know how many other lies there have been.

Huh. I had a lot of questions about this choice. What difference would a lie detector test make (especially with all the false readings they give)? She already knows he is capable of lying (we all are) and that he has lied to her on several occasions now. What will the lie detector test add? Does she want an exact count of the number of times he's lied? Does she want to know how recently he lied? Does she want to know just how big of a liar he is? Does she want to know just how false her idea of their marriage is? Does she want to be right? Is she looking for some kind of validation or justification?

But my biggest question is: Should we really trust the technology of a lie detector test above the truth of a human heart?


To me, the only question to ask now is "How willing is she to risk trusting him again?" Maybe that's what she's trying to decide based on just how big of a liar she finds him to be...

Then the conversation turned to the concept of love. The husband says he still loves his wife and that the "other" doesn't mean anything. Really? Then why did he do it (and more than once)? Why did he lie about it? Why didn't he speak to his wife about their marriage before things reached the point of betrayal? None of us can really answer these questions with any certainty. While it may be true that the human heart is a dynamic and mysterious part of our Being whose trappings we can't always predict, things like honesty, openness and integrity are things we choose. As it is possible to be swept up in the emotion or energy of a moment, isn't it just as possible not to be?

How much choice do we really have in love? And is love nothing more than what we make it?

Death Visits

Tonight I learned of a friend's sudden death yesterday in a car accident. This was not someone I knew intimately, but someone I consider a beautiful friend. She was one of those people I met and I knew right away there was something special - something a bit different - about her. I didn't have to know what it was; it just was.

When I reflect on this special friend, her face appears clearly in my mind's eye and her energy appears fully in my field. My heart smiles for knowing her. She was a bright light in this world, someone who brought a smile to those around her. Tonight I noticed that she is still bringing smiles to those she knew. Her wisdom, grace and humor resonate here even in her physical absence.

Yes, there is grief. It's the grief of knowing I will not be able to physically touch her again - hug her in greeting, say "Hey, good to see you!" and hear her "Hey! You too." back, look in her eyes, laugh and hear her laugh... all those ways we connect with people. And it's grief for those who had intimate relationships with her who will miss her in their own lives now. She's left a tangible hole she once filled.


It brings to the forefront once again for me just how important our relationship with death is.



Any moment could be our last, or the last of a loved one. This is not to be slighted; it is a part of our reality.

 And as that moment arrives, have you said what you want to the people in your life? Have you cleaned up any heaviness in your heart? Have you planned for your service, your belongings and your body? Have you resolved your fear around dying and death? Can you die in this moment with ease in your Being? Are you ready?

The Native Americans have a saying: "Today is a good day to die for all the things of my life are present." I'm beginning to understand just how powerful this saying is. For me, "present" doesn't just mean "here." It also means that I've truly brought presence to all the pieces of my life: I hold them with love and honor, respecting them as a gift in every moment; I am current in my relationships with myself and with life; I am in my integrity; I am living with presence: all the things of my life are present. Then, any day is a good day to die.

As I prepare for my tele-conference series about conscious living through conscious dying, I am given a new opportunity to deepen into my relationship with death and to remember with more intensity why I embarked on this A Year To Love journey... which is to hold every moment of my life as a precious and temporary gift...

26 Days and Counting

 Wow - not much time left. I contemplate how to spend it during these fabulously beautiful fall days beneath clear, sunny, cool, breezy skies and crisp, clear, breezy nights. I realize that I am happy with my life these days. It is so full of goodness and love. I love my partner; I love my teaching; I love my writing; I love my counseling and coaching; I love my home and my pets; I love my friends and colleagues; I love my family...and most of all, I love myself; I love who I've become. Yes, my life is full and rich with goodness and love.

How does one prepare to say "Good bye" to all of this goodness? Should I write a letter? Make a video? Or spend my time connecting with people directly instead? Do I tell people? Will they understand? What do I say as I look at them with overwhelm at their beauty and the beauty of everything around me - so filled with appreciation, gratitude and joy for it all?

Life is such a gift. We don't give it nearly the amount of acknowledgment it deserves. And this Earth! We have no idea how fortunate we are to have such a magnificent place to live and grow and experience here.

What keeps us from truly being here? Why do any of us spend our lives beneath a thick fog of anything other than sheer joy, freedom, love and intimacy? Why are we so scared? What are we so scared of?

Why do we separate ourselves from all the rest when we are born of the same Source, when we are all family in the end? What makes us so closed that we can't bring ourselves to simply love? Is it really as simple as loving ourselves? Of recognizing our own divinity? Of releasing all the fears and trappings of our error thinking?

To think of ourselves as anything less than divine, and anything less than whole, and anything less than connected to all other things is to deny our origins in the Highest Power (God, Allah, Creator, Great Spirit, Buddha, etc...) from which we have all emerged. Quantum Mechanics is proving this today; we can no longer deny that we are all born of the same Source, however we view it, define it or describe it. There is only one Source of life in the end.

 So why do any of us - why do I - spend any time at all feeling somehow less than something when all that I am is a unique expression of that Life Source?

Sounds of Silence - Part 2

Wow - what an experience silence was! It did not unroll as I intended. In fact, I broke my silence completely on Friday... Yep - just one day after I started it. I'm still unraveling everything that arose for me during that time, but here's what I got so far:

I am angry... Yep - angry. Part of me has risen up in protest to all the things that are asked of me every day. It says "I don't ask for much from people, and all I asked for was one day of silence - just one!"And even that was not possible.


People pulled at me all day long, asking for things - things that required words. One friend even asked "Are you really not talking or just...." Just what? Pretending to be in silence? What kind of a question is that? Would I have been wearing a sign around my neck that said "I am in Silence" if I weren't really in silence?

So I talked. I talked just about whenever someone asked me to. This is not being in silence. There were moments when I tried to communicate with gestures; it just got too complicated. It was just easier to talk. And believe me - I know it's not because what I have to say is so important.

I found it interesting to watch how things unfolded in my silence, and how it felt to have the people around me getting frustrated and uneasy with me not talking. I felt them pulling at me for this or that; that's the best way I can describe it. They wanted me to do and be who I always was, not this silent person with nothing to offer. A couple of friends asked in frustration or confusion "Didn't you get the email?" because I was offline all day. I felt like they needed something from me that they weren't getting in my silence, and this made both of us uncomfortable.

This is valuable information for me! I get to look at what I thought would happen if I maintained silence despite their pulling. And I get to look at all the ways I work to keep things steady and stable around me... to feel comfortable myself I imagine... to live up to some kind of identity I have. So I ask myself now: "Who would I be without that identity?" That's a question worth exploring.

I really got to see how uncomfortable folks are with silence and even with the idea of silence. When I'd show them my sign, most people would whisper "Oh!" and tip-toe away as if they had to be silent around me too. It was hilarious! Two friends canceled a dinner meeting with me and my sweetie because they wanted to "talk and catch up," and felt uncomfortable with me in silence. Why? I can still listen and laugh and participate... just without my own words. So what? What's the big deal about that? I sensed their judgement around my choice and could practically hear them joking about it even though I never saw them that day. It felt disrespectful; that's all I know.

So overall, I'd say that the part of my experience that was around being silent failed for the most part. But the experience itself was a huge success. I learned so many things about my self and my life that I hadn't quite seen in the way I did that day. Now I am determined to go into silence again, but this time for real, some time before I die in November. I don't know for how long, but I know I will revisit this practice; only this time, I will not break it for the comfort or convenience of myself or anyone else. This time, I will move beyond the discomfort to see what's there.

Fawn Wisdom

I've learned that I really, really love watching the baby fawns grow up this season. They are playful and present, aware and willing, brave and respectful. Who would have thought that such tiny little spotted beings could hold so much wisdom??

They hide in our bamboo forest when it rains, generally not showing themselves until it drops to a very soft drizzle or stops altogether. Their hair gets frizzy after a rain, just like mine!

They grow up pretty fast. I'm watching how they adapt to the noise and activity around them. For the newborns: at first they are curious and open; then, lots of glances to the adults for cues; then, uncertainty and caution that ultimately shifts into a scamper for the safety of their Momma's underbelly or the cover of brush.

 

 As they get a bit older, maybe 2 weeks, they hang with the uncertainty a bit longer and generally wait for the adults to make a move before they follow. Yet when they do follow, it's with complete dedication and vigor. Once they are about a month old, they are right in there with all the adults; no hesitation, just trusting their own signals.

They have nothing to fear in life; they simply indulge in it fully, moment by moment, in whatever manner is called for, unattached to stories about what things might mean. I am learning to embrace myself in a whole new way through these babies.

They touch me with their delicacy and gentleness. They entertain me with their playfulness and innocence. They teach me with their grace and wisdom. They surprise me with their courage and strength. They move me with their spirit and precision.

It's amazing to witness how complete they are at each phase of their development. They have everything they need inside; they just have to access it and then follow it. They are born beautiful, powerful, wise, and whole, reminding me that I was, too; I just have to remember...that I am.

Today is a great day to live!

Huh - interesting: As I changed the count on my "Days Ahead" this morning, I found myself adding 8 days! What happened? I've been changing the count every day this week, one day at a time. How did I rob myself of 9 days yesterday? Or, how did I manifest 8 days today??

I don't know, but I'll take them :)

Things are shifting quickly and I'm doing my best to stay with it and follow what arises each day. Today I spotted the twin fawns in our front yard sleeping near their Mom in the wee morning hours. It felt good to feel them there, trusting and resting into the predawn calm.

And today I submitted a job application for a full-time 9 to 5 job. Wow - I haven't had one of those in years! The job sounds compelling though busy, and the pay is good. It could help stabilize some financial goals in my life, what's left of it anyway.

And today I prepared a package of information to take to one of my health care providers who requested a copy of my book - AD/HD Generation: Holistic Ways to Support Children - for their reception area. I signed the book and got bookmarks and business cards ready to send with it. It's an office that works with women and families, so parents are always sitting in the waiting room before appointments. I love the idea of them scanning through my book as they wait!

And today I'm finalizing materials for the Kundalini Yoga workshops I'm offering with the Texas Yoga Retreat at Barsana Dham this weekend. It's going to be amazing; I can already feel the energy of the space and the people. My body is completely tuned in to the energy of what I'm offering and it is (I am)  ready to go!

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for everything that Spirit is asking me to express in the world in support of our healing and expansion. And today, I have 128 more days to live!

Chicken Soup for the Soul?

My sweetie and I were driving down the highway yesterday, returning from celebrating a friend's 50th birthday surprise in Houston, when we drifted into what appeared to be snow floating in the air. "What's that? It looks like snow. How pretty!" I said. And my mind slipped into all kinds of fun fantasies about snow in South-Central Texas in March. We decided that it was too early for cotton from fields or cottonwood trees, so it remained a mystery. About 30 minutes later, we got our answer...

We came upon an 18-wheeler with an open-air cage-like trailer. The "flakes" were drifting madly from it in the wind. And then it hit me: it was chickens. My heart sank. Their beautiful white feathers were being blown free as they moved down the road. Hundreds of chickens in shoebox-sized cages filled that trailer, stacked from its floor to the very top, one on top of another, on top of another... The ones on the outside edges were the lucky ones: a few had managed to cram their heads out of their cage and get some air, long necks stretched out as far as they could stretch them into the breeze. That's how I identified the load as actual chickens and not just feathers; otherwise, there was really no way to tell. The rest looked like cages of white feathers, no body or life to them at all.

The others - the ones crammed in the inside stacks - I presumed were dead. "Death from fear and suffocation" I lamented, knowing that this was an assumption, though a likely one. It was difficult to imagine anything else for them; and it occurred to me that they might actually be the luckier ones, if any of them could be considered "lucky" at all.

I fell into silence for the rest of the trip, or maybe it was shock. I've had similar reactions to the sight of logging trucks hauling long, beautiful tree trunks stripped clean of their lives, on their way to lumber yards to make boards so that we can build things. But this - these chickens - hit me on an entirely different level. It's about the sanctity and sacredness of life, and how gravely it feels that humans dishonor it sometimes. "It's criminal!" I whispered, and I cried inside.

I wanted to vomit; it was too much for mere tears. I started to recapitulate immediately, to clear the pained energy from my body, to give back the trauma and cruelty, but I didn't know who it "belonged" to. So I prayed and sent it to the Earth, asking for healing, balance, and forgiveness. I breathed in fire energy from the Sun to purify its residue in my body, and to reclaim the life force I'd leaked on behalf of those poor chickens. And I sent them all the love, compassion, and light that I could muster. And I prayed to Spirit to release and forgive us humans for the cruelty we wield, so mindlessly at times. And I vowed to write a blog about it.

"You've never seen that before?" my sweetie asked. "No" I answered flatly. "That's how it's done." And I thought, "Well, it needs to change!" I began to fantasize about supermarket "chicken protests" to educate folks and support them in buying cage-free chicken. I had flash visions of people waving signs and shouting witty slogans outside of restaurants, fast food joints, and in grocery store meat departments to frightened shoppers. I thought of animal cruelty groups and how they might help, recognizing that any humanity given to farmed chickens, cows, pigs, etc. is already largely due to them. And then I recalled this story my dear friend shared with me the night before:

She said she was talking with a coworker who is a vegetarian now. When she asked him why, he said he'd been an avid hunter for years. And then one day when he looked down his scope at a deer he was about to shoot, the deer looked straight back at him, and all he saw in its eyes was fear. And he said to her, "I don't want to eat fear."

That's the best reason to become a vegetarian that I've ever heard. And that's what we're doing every time we eat a piece of meat that comes from a nice, clean package at the store, or every time we order chicken at a restaurant, or buy chicken from a fast food place. It's not what it appears to be. There are exceptions, of course, for the few farms that choose to do it more humanely. But they are the exception.

Many folks still seem to care more about price than ethics these days. Yet what we don't realize is that it's not just "price;" it's cost. And there are "hidden costs" like eating fear that have an impact and take a toll on the energy of all life - our life - here. There is an impact from this, with or without our awareness. So, I vowed to write this blog, and to stop ordering chicken at restaurants and fast food places, and to keep buying the packages labeled as "cage free" from the grocery store. I don't want to eat fear.

I don't want to contribute to fear either. I don't want any living thing to have to die a fear-filled, painful, cruel death any more than I want to do that. And if they must, I pray for there to be as much love, honor, and respect around them as possible. Yet this is not how it is; "that's how it's done." And I watch the part of me that wants to change it raise up in protest, and then fall back into surrender to what is, recognizing my attachment to what I want it to be.

But there are things that I can do, that I'm already doing, to soften around this reality; so I focus my energy on them. And then I think of my own death and how I might support myself in surrendering to "what is" for it, too, just like I am for those poor chickens.

Suddenly, a year doesn't feel like enough time for this task.... 

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Celebrate - Part 4

“We are infinite, boundless, energetic somethings using a human body here. Oh the joy I will feel when I am free of this body!”

If you read Celebrate - Part 3, you recognize that quote. It is my hope that it is true. And now I see that it is also my attachment. It's what I'd like death to mean or be. And what if it's not? That is part of what I must surrender during what’s left of my Year to Live. It’s just an idea of what physical death may bring, yet I cannot know if it is the truth.

And what if it’s not? What if there’s something strange, uncomfortable, uncontrollable, or empty after this? Or what if there’s nothing after this? Then what? Will I know it? Will I have consciousness and know that what’s happening is not what I imagined or wanted or hoped for? Will I care? Will anyone care?

That's something to consider; not necessarily what comes next, but rather, my attachment to what comes next. Can I simply open to whatever it is without holding an idea of what I think it is or what I want it to be? Can I really get to a place of neutrality around what comes next?

How many days do I have left??????????

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Celebrate: Part 2

"I found myself squelching my desire to whoop and holler and celebrate each of their departures and newfound freedom; and I shifted my focus and shed tears instead. Yet I was aware that the tears I cried were genuine compassion for all the other grieving people in the room, and maybe even a few for myself; not for my Grandfather or Grandmother."

That's what I wrote in my last post. It felt so strange… so strange to feel the deep grief of all the other people in contrast to the magnificent sense of overwhelming joy and expansiveness I felt from each of my grandparents when they died. Each of them had health issues that led to drawn-out hospitalizations before their deaths. There was such a sense of freedom on the other side of that – for them – that my own energy was pulled there rather than to any grief I might have felt. Especially after my grandmother died; I thought “She did it! She finally got past her fear and surrendered her ego. She finally let go into the Divine, and now she is free!” Oh how I wanted to celebrate that for her, with her!

Yet in this society, we can’t; it’s not acceptable to celebrate at the moment of someone’s death. It’s viewed as disrespectful and cold or even callous. Folks start talking about wills and insurance claims and motives if you celebrate a death; it’s simply not done. Nope! You wear black, keep a somber face, turn off all music, cut off all joy, and stay in mourning until an appropriate period of time passes, whatever that is, so that everyone knows that you are truly aggrieved, as you rightly should be in their view. After all, your loved one just died!

Yet what is death? What does that mean – to die? Interestingly, the Buddhists see our physical birth as death to our Spirit form, and our physical death as birth to our Spirit form. So for them, birth is death and death is birth, since the ultimate goal is to connect as deeply and intimately as possible with our Divinity, which is more closely linked to our Spirit form than our physical one.

I’ve always liked that perspective…

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Life and Death

I recently heard from a dear friend that her sister tried to commit suicide with an overdose of prescriptions and alcohol. I thought, "She's ready for her life to change. Now she just needs some support in choosing how she wants it to change: through death, or through shifting the flavor of her life. The decision is solely hers; her life is ultimately her responsibility."

How ironic it feels to me that we - her sister and I - are both seeking change in our lives. We both want our lives to have a different flavor or quality than they do. We both recognize on some level that we are ultimately responsible for that: we must make the choices that pave the course of our lives. We both want to enjoy our lives more. We both want a way out of or past what no longer serves us. She sought relief from her feelings in death; I sought relief from my feelings through death...

The Angel of Death - and she is an Angel -  is a powerful teacher. She is an Angel because she is a messenger, just as all Divine children are. She is a messenger of the Highest Power, Source, Spirit, Creator, Life Force, or God; use whatever name you want for It. Her message is that life here is temporary; we humans are impermanent beings in this realm. Whenever and however it happens, I will die to this Earthly body - we all will - and transform into another state... energetic perhaps? I cannot know for certain. I can only feel about it what I feel, and choose to believe about it what I believe.

For me, this A Year To Live journey is a way of exploring life on a deeper level by exploring death on a deeper level. It's a reminder of my temporary state here, which brings life into more focus by broadening my perspective and opening my heart. I am choosing to observe more closely the life of death that exists here in every moment, in every breath; and to appreciate the opportunity I have here to create my life anew through each of those moments and breaths, right here in this physical, temporary state of being. It is a powerful place to be; I can create - through my choices - something different in each moment... yes!

The key is to surrender and allow the unfolding of my choices and actions to happen as they will, recognizing that there is much more happening than I can be fully aware of because it is all energy moving, and energy is dynamic and not completely predictable. All I can do is do what I do with awareness, intent, and integrity; and then I can take responsibility for my choices as they unfold. I can observe what happens and then make my next choice. It is not all in my control; nor is it all out of my control. This life - my life - is an act of co-creation between my choice-making and energy's fluidity. The Angel of Death gifts me with the opportunity to make my choices more consciously and from a place of openness and love rather than constriction and fear.

Maybe that's the difference between seeking peace in death and seeking peace through death...


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Service

My prayer on many days is "How can I be of service today?" What I mean is: What can I do, how can I show up today in a way that is aligned with the Divine, in service to the Divine? That is my intent. I cannot say how that intent will show up or manifest in my life, yet I can say that I'm certain it will, and that I am committed to honoring whatever it is.

When my mind criticizes me for "not doing enough," I remember my true intent. My true intent is not necessarily to complete this or that from my long list of "to-dos," or produce this or that, or even to find and fulfill my life's purpose. These days, I recognize that being in service to the Divine is what gives my life purpose. The form that service takes will change and shift. Sometimes, publishing a book is being in service; other times, allowing myself a day of rest and contemplation is in service. And other times, maybe setting my lists aside and supporting a friend is in service.

Every day, my intent is to be in service to the Divine, yet I don't know what form that service will take until it arises. Following the energy of what arises is being in service to the Divine, because what arises is aligned with the Divine. Following the energy of what arises is a way of honoring my connection to the Divine. I am - we all are - a bridge between this physical realm and that energetic one; between the mundane and the sacred; between what we experience here and the Mystery that dwells beyond here. We are sacred vessels through which the energy of the Divine breaths...

Every step I take toward recognizing and realizing my own Divinity, I am in service. Years ago, spiritual author and teacher Marianne Williamson said: "We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” As I accept and allow my own "brilliance" to shine in the world as a unique Messenger of the Divine, the brilliance of others is enhanced. As I raise my own vibration, the vibration of others is raised... Wow! All I have to do is walk my own journey with authenticity and integrity and I am in service...

And although the term "God" has all kinds of symbology attached to it, we are speaking of the same Highest and Divine Power, or Life Force, or Energy behind all that is made manifest here. Every time I acknowledge the presence of that Divine Energy in myself or something else, I am in service. Because being in my integrity - standing in my own Divinity, honoring the Divine in all things, doing what is in alignment with the Divine as it moves through me from moment to moment - is one of the highest forms of service I can offer.

OK. I can handle that. I enjoy the fluidity of life, the magic of not knowing exactly what will be arising next. It's a curious, interesting, and fun surprise every day. It keeps me present and conscious. I couldn't always say that. Today as I count down my time here, I can say that.




©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Caterpillars & Butterflies

Tonight I took a moment to listen to a podcast by Marianne Williamson, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, called "Death to Life." In it she shared that we - the human race - are undergoing big transformation.  She likened this journey to that of the caterpillar. She said, "The caterpillar eats too much and it begins to literally decay and in the decay is what the biologists call the imaginal selves that form a cluster of imaginal soup. Out of that emerges an entirely new order of being. The butterfly is not just a caterpillar that has grown wings; not at all. The caterpillar dies and the butterfly is born. There's an actual discontinuity there; there's an actual phase shift, and that is what is occurring to us. One aspect of who we were is dying and out of the imaginal selves emerges someone new. We are moving from good to great; we are moving from caterpillar to butterfly; we are moving from who we used to be to who we can be. Look forward right into the eyes of the you that is waiting to be born." Wow....

So I took a moment to close my eyes and envision my imaginal self. Who would she be? What would she be like? What would she do? And I felt that imaginal self in my body, the self that I can be. I looked her right in the eyes and said, "Yes! That's the me I can be!" She was a few things that I already am, and a few things that I am not. And why not? What keeps me from being that person today?

I recall another, much older quote from Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do."

Ah- so that's it! We are afraid of our own light, our own brilliance. And all too often, when someone else shines, when someone else achieves what our soul longs to, we don't use it as an invitation to do the same; nope. We use it to compare, blame, judge or condemn them or ourselves or others for it. We are reminded of our own fears and blockages in bringing our imaginal selves forward. And so we find ways to separate ourselves and our experiences from theirs to reduce the pressure we feel inside.

But the pressure never dies, because our soul remembers. Our soul feels its Divinity, and that Divinity calls us forth, calls us forward. Each one of us carries within our being Divine gifts. Jane Goodall once said, "We have the choice to use the gift of our lives to make the world a better place." We have the opportunity to share our gifts with the world while we are here, to make it a place we can all be proud to live. Will we stay frightened little caterpillars or will we look our imaginal selves in the eyes and say Yes! to our butterflies? The time has arrived; the doorway of transformation is open...

Will we, will you, will I look through that doorway, or walk through it? That is the question of the day (number 276 to be exact).

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

A Waste - Part 3

I've been thinking: Maybe what people really mean when we say "What a waste" is how sad it makes us when someone dies, because it reminds us of our own impermanence. Did you ever notice that even when you don't know the person, there's a compulstion to say or at least think, "I'm sorry..." and when you hear or see things like I described last week, to think "What a waste..." Why is that?

Maybe because we all experience loss and so we can connect to the grief that is a part of letting something we love go. Maybe we say "I'm sorry" to them because we need to hear it ourselves, for a loss that has not yet healed within our own being. Compassion for others is rooted in compassion for ourselves. Maybe someone else's loss is a reminder to bring compassion into our own life, so that our own heart can heal.

Maybe because deep down in our hearts, we recognize that every single person is our brother and sister, born of the same Source that we are - One Divine Source; they are us and we are them in the end. When a brother or sister dies, on some level it's a reflection of our own death. It reminds us that we are impermanent and that our time here is temporary. Some day, some time we will die too. What happens then, we can't be certain. Yet what we know is that we will no longer be in the form we are in at this moment. And maybe the part of us that enjoys this physical life is saying, "Oh - I'm sorry to think about letting that go."

Maybe what folks mean when we say "I'm sorry" or "What a waste" is that we hope our own life will not feel like a waste when we die, so we won't feel sorry for ourselves. Maybe the heart of who we are is, in that moment, screaming out for recognition. Maybe it sees an opportunity to say, "Hey - wake up! Your time is limited! Fulfill your dreams!" Maybe the death of someone else - even someone we don't personally know - is a wake up call for our own Soul. Maybe it's an opening for us to reflect on our time here so that we can stop denying our magnificence and start living it.

Maybe that's part of why "feeling more death" allows us to "find more life."


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.