Sounds of Silence - Part 2

Wow - what an experience silence was! It did not unroll as I intended. In fact, I broke my silence completely on Friday... Yep - just one day after I started it. I'm still unraveling everything that arose for me during that time, but here's what I got so far:

I am angry... Yep - angry. Part of me has risen up in protest to all the things that are asked of me every day. It says "I don't ask for much from people, and all I asked for was one day of silence - just one!"And even that was not possible.


People pulled at me all day long, asking for things - things that required words. One friend even asked "Are you really not talking or just...." Just what? Pretending to be in silence? What kind of a question is that? Would I have been wearing a sign around my neck that said "I am in Silence" if I weren't really in silence?

So I talked. I talked just about whenever someone asked me to. This is not being in silence. There were moments when I tried to communicate with gestures; it just got too complicated. It was just easier to talk. And believe me - I know it's not because what I have to say is so important.

I found it interesting to watch how things unfolded in my silence, and how it felt to have the people around me getting frustrated and uneasy with me not talking. I felt them pulling at me for this or that; that's the best way I can describe it. They wanted me to do and be who I always was, not this silent person with nothing to offer. A couple of friends asked in frustration or confusion "Didn't you get the email?" because I was offline all day. I felt like they needed something from me that they weren't getting in my silence, and this made both of us uncomfortable.

This is valuable information for me! I get to look at what I thought would happen if I maintained silence despite their pulling. And I get to look at all the ways I work to keep things steady and stable around me... to feel comfortable myself I imagine... to live up to some kind of identity I have. So I ask myself now: "Who would I be without that identity?" That's a question worth exploring.

I really got to see how uncomfortable folks are with silence and even with the idea of silence. When I'd show them my sign, most people would whisper "Oh!" and tip-toe away as if they had to be silent around me too. It was hilarious! Two friends canceled a dinner meeting with me and my sweetie because they wanted to "talk and catch up," and felt uncomfortable with me in silence. Why? I can still listen and laugh and participate... just without my own words. So what? What's the big deal about that? I sensed their judgement around my choice and could practically hear them joking about it even though I never saw them that day. It felt disrespectful; that's all I know.

So overall, I'd say that the part of my experience that was around being silent failed for the most part. But the experience itself was a huge success. I learned so many things about my self and my life that I hadn't quite seen in the way I did that day. Now I am determined to go into silence again, but this time for real, some time before I die in November. I don't know for how long, but I know I will revisit this practice; only this time, I will not break it for the comfort or convenience of myself or anyone else. This time, I will move beyond the discomfort to see what's there.