What About Love?

OK - I gotta say that I'm really beginning to wonder what's happening to love in this world of ours!

Today I've been entrenched in a situation with a dear woman who was threatened by her lover of many, many years. Apparently, his behavior shifted a couple of years back following a traumatic incident he was involved in having something to do with drug deals and he's become abusive and threatening to her since then. She's been covering it up so people wouldn't know. You know - the usual of lying about the bruises and other "injuries," staying home a lot and pretending everything was A-OK...

This has been going on for a couple of years? That's a long time! We called the cops so she could file a statement and get a restraining order. Her first report to us was that this guy had threatened her but as she talked with the Deputy Sheriff, the truth emerged. Not only had he verbally threatened her but he'd "slapped" both sides of her face and pulled her hair. Then she admitted that he'd been physically abusive before and had threatened her many times.

As time went on, I noticed bruises emerging around her eyes: "That's not a slap unless he had some mighty big rings on his fingers!" The Deputy Sheriff took a closer look, changed his report and wanted to take pictures of the marks. When he asked her why she was filing now, her response was "I'm scared." When I heard her say that, I knew this was serious. This is a brave woman who is no pushover and doesn't scare easily if at all under most circumstances. Apparently, she's been trying to get him out of her house and life but every time she tries, he threatens her and has hit her several times before; she is afraid for her pets too.

Until today she felt that doing nothing was better and safer than doing something. Why today? Maybe because of the bruises on her face; maybe because of how he threatened her; maybe she's just had enough; maybe she heard something different in his tone or felt something she hadn't felt from him before... Who knows? I'm just glad that she decided to stop hiding and take a stand to reclaim her life from this deeply wounded and dangerous man.

The guy managed to grab a set of her house and car keys when he left so we called a locksmith to change all the locks on the house doors and re-coded her electric garage door opener so he couldn't get in. We moved all of his stuff into her garage and then we began to problem-solve the next move for her protection. She said, "He will be back. I know it; he has nowhere else to go and all his stuff is here. And he'll be pissed off!" That's what we're dealing with - a pissed-off, drug-involved, abusive man who has nowhere else to go.

The Deputy Sheriff suggested she not stay at her home alone, if at all. He was headed downtown to file an Emergency Protective Order on her behalf (EPO in cop lingo). The guy is on the police radar already for other things so our hope is that he'll be picked up before morning and arrested. Clearly, he is dangerous yet despite this, she didn't want to go and leave her pets and house alone. This woman argued that she could call 911 if the guy showed up, but we all discouraged that. "Sure - you can call 911 but a lot can happen in the time it takes them to get here." The cop confirmed that depending on what else was happening, it might take them a while to arrive. We talked her into staying elsewhere, at least for one night.

 How does this happen? How do two people go from deeply loving each other to deeply hurting each other? It seems that every time I turn around these days I hear of another couple I know that's divorcing, of relationships ending, of betrayals, of lies and affairs and deeply hurt hearts.  

Are we humans so scared and wounded around love that all we can do is hurt or be hurt?

A Fullness of Being

Lives are ending all around me and I am drawn into a quiet space. The cold of winter beckons me to slow down, be still and deepen into my being like the Bear. Take pause; listen to the softness of each breath and feel the richness of rest. These are contemplative days, each moment arising as a bright gift to be cherished and never neglected. The things of my life are beautiful and one day I will leave them, sadly yet filled with awe at the freedom of surrender to the next movement of energy outside of this physical place. 

I don't know where the dead go; I only know that they go somewhere. I have glimpsed it. I remember it as if it happened yesterday. For the dead, it is miraculous; for the living, it is mysterious. 

The recent death of a friend has flung me to a new level of connection with death. I can't say what's different this time than previous times my beloveds have died. I can only say that something is. Perhaps it's me.

Suddenly, every tiny bit of my life is magnified as a magical encounter never to be repeated. How special that is. How lucky I am. How grateful is my heart to behold each bit as sacred, with love. Today I am full.

Countdown

There are so many thoughts and sensations moving through my body these days as I approach the end of my "A Year To Live" adventure. Changing the death countdown from 10 to 9 today felt a bit like hitting the big red button for a shuttle lift-off. I could hear my own voice in my head saying with passion and maybe even excitement and a bit of anxiety: "Ten! Nine!..."

Last night I returned to my favorite labyrinth to walk it beneath the big bright moon. The sky was virtually clear all day and night until about 5 minutes before I walked when a thin cloud bank moved over it. It was interesting to see and feel the difference in the energy of this walk compared to the last. The last moon was bright and vibrant with energy and the contrast between the light and shadows was stark. This time, the moon was veiled and the light-shadow contrast was barely noticeable. The energy and the light was gentle and soft.

I felt my body relating to that shift. As I approach the end of this year, my own energy feels more gentle and soft. There is an urge to slow down, rest into what's here, and stop all the business so I can drop more deeply into connection with it all. It's an interesting contrast between the ending and a beginning. I feel the ending of this year approaching; I also feel the possibility of birth, newness and freshness on the other side of it. There's a sense of spaciousness hovering just beyond the surrender...

Yesterday a client struggled with whether or not her presence in life was helping or hurting the world; she questioned her own purpose for being here. I heard myself say: "There's no greater purpose or service to the Divine than raising our own vibration." This is a truth that I have come to hold. We spend so much time in our lives questioning our choices, our reasons for being here, our purpose. The answer is in the process of questioning...

What I believe is that we don't have to do anything special to make our journey here meaningful or purposeful; all we have to do is question. The questioning guides us to raise our own vibration. That is living a purposeful life.

Every day my question is: "How I can be of service today?" The rest of my day is spent paying attention to that - to what arises within that frame. It's a very simple question with no specific answer. And it unfolds in powerful and mysterious ways.

As I approach this death, I'm still asking that question every day: "How can I be of service today?" Maybe I already have...just by the asking.

Sounds of Silence - Part 2

Wow - what an experience silence was! It did not unroll as I intended. In fact, I broke my silence completely on Friday... Yep - just one day after I started it. I'm still unraveling everything that arose for me during that time, but here's what I got so far:

I am angry... Yep - angry. Part of me has risen up in protest to all the things that are asked of me every day. It says "I don't ask for much from people, and all I asked for was one day of silence - just one!"And even that was not possible.


People pulled at me all day long, asking for things - things that required words. One friend even asked "Are you really not talking or just...." Just what? Pretending to be in silence? What kind of a question is that? Would I have been wearing a sign around my neck that said "I am in Silence" if I weren't really in silence?

So I talked. I talked just about whenever someone asked me to. This is not being in silence. There were moments when I tried to communicate with gestures; it just got too complicated. It was just easier to talk. And believe me - I know it's not because what I have to say is so important.

I found it interesting to watch how things unfolded in my silence, and how it felt to have the people around me getting frustrated and uneasy with me not talking. I felt them pulling at me for this or that; that's the best way I can describe it. They wanted me to do and be who I always was, not this silent person with nothing to offer. A couple of friends asked in frustration or confusion "Didn't you get the email?" because I was offline all day. I felt like they needed something from me that they weren't getting in my silence, and this made both of us uncomfortable.

This is valuable information for me! I get to look at what I thought would happen if I maintained silence despite their pulling. And I get to look at all the ways I work to keep things steady and stable around me... to feel comfortable myself I imagine... to live up to some kind of identity I have. So I ask myself now: "Who would I be without that identity?" That's a question worth exploring.

I really got to see how uncomfortable folks are with silence and even with the idea of silence. When I'd show them my sign, most people would whisper "Oh!" and tip-toe away as if they had to be silent around me too. It was hilarious! Two friends canceled a dinner meeting with me and my sweetie because they wanted to "talk and catch up," and felt uncomfortable with me in silence. Why? I can still listen and laugh and participate... just without my own words. So what? What's the big deal about that? I sensed their judgement around my choice and could practically hear them joking about it even though I never saw them that day. It felt disrespectful; that's all I know.

So overall, I'd say that the part of my experience that was around being silent failed for the most part. But the experience itself was a huge success. I learned so many things about my self and my life that I hadn't quite seen in the way I did that day. Now I am determined to go into silence again, but this time for real, some time before I die in November. I don't know for how long, but I know I will revisit this practice; only this time, I will not break it for the comfort or convenience of myself or anyone else. This time, I will move beyond the discomfort to see what's there.