The Quest for Authenticity

Black/White Heart 2011

One day several years ago, I opened a door and said to the Universe, “Hey, I’m ready to find whatever it is I’m seeking. I know it’s there, just show me how…”  That simple request started my life in a new direction that has become an amazingly rich adventure. Once I made that commitment, everything that might have kept me from moving my life forward came up and was in my face; and yet everything I needed to support me on my path also arose… teachers, friends, healers, opportunities, etc.

I’ve learned that this is how it works: once we make the commitment to “seek,” everything that is in our way comes forth for clearing so we can move beyond it. And, everything we need to support us on the journey also comes forth. There’s no turning back; we have no choice but to keep going. Well, that’s not exactly true. We always have choice. The thing is, if we stop, it’s like standing in the middle of the fires of change. And if we go back, we return to a life of self-denial and lies, only they feel bigger now because we know what we want. And that truth continues to eat away at us. In the silent spaces of our minds, we cry out and die a little bit more each day, not knowing how to get from where we are to where we want to go. All our energy gets used up in denying the truth as we do our best to pretend we’re happy, which isn’t a complete lie yet it’s also not the whole truth. For if it were, we wouldn’t be seeking in the first place.

We open that door because there’s a part of us that knows the truth. There’s a part of us that wants so desperately to remember who we are. There’s a call inside our hearts that says, “Hey, wake up! Remember!” We open that door – we make that commitment – because there’s a part of us that does remember, and the rest of us seeks the beauty, power and peace that is held in that part. We recognize that there’s more to our selves and our lives than we’ve been aware of, told or shown. And so we become seekers of the truth, like archeologists exploring the hidden world and history of our inner being, so we can gain a clearer understanding of the material remains in our outer lives.

As we align ourselves, our intention and our energy with this path, things begin to move and shift. We arrive at new levels of awareness, and dormant parts of ourselves begin to stir and awaken. It’s like taking a flashlight to the dark corners of a room we’ve lived in for years, but never fully explored. Suddenly, the light shines on things we had no idea were there, and we see them for the first time, and everything we thought we knew about that room and our life in it changes.

This is where the magic begins! Once we have a more clear perspective on our place in the world, we can navigate beyond the obstacles that keep us bound. We can dismantle the parts of our lives that aren't serving us and bring in new parts that do. And we can reclaim our personal power to inspire and fuel our future vision. I call this the spiritual quest for authenticity.
As the Fall season comes to a close, I realize that I have made this quest. The emptiness and disillusionment I felt years ago in my life as I began my quest have long since vanished. I have stepped firmly into my authenticity and I express my truth in the world as best as I can every day.

The approaching Winter Solstice marks our movement out of the longest, coldest and darkest nights of the year and into growing days. This seasonal shift is not only about the returning of the daylight but it is also about reconnecting with our own inner light - our essence. This year as I enjoy the colorful Christmas lights all around me, I celebrate that I am doing my best to express my own bright light - my authenticity - in the world. Living from my authenticity is a gift that I cherish and don't take lightly. It's a "Merry Christmas to me!" 

May your own bright light shine out into the world, a gift for all to receive.

[Adapted from the book The Six Sacred Gifts: A little book of wisdom for fellow seekers, which will be released in March 2012 as a part of Spirit Paths™: The Quest for Authenticity, a 6-month Circle I am co-facilitating with Gerry Starnes. This Circle is designed to support seekers along their spiritual journey and into a new place of authentic being in the world. It is an intensive and experiential journey of contemporary shamanic wisdom for living authentically. For more details, go to http://www.shamanicpassages.com/SpiritPaths/.]

A Renewal of spirit

Light Heart: 2011

This past month I did something I've never done before: I reached out to my community for financial support. I hadn't intended to, but an opportunity arose that I felt compelled to act on. It was one of those opportunities that may only arise once in a lifetime. Rather than risk missing it, I chose - not just to step out of my comfort zone but to step into my vision of community - and ask for help.

To understand how difficult this was for me, I'll share that not too many years ago I nearly killed myself during an illness because I "did not want to bother anyone." I was too dizzy and weak to do anything but crawl on my hands and knees to get to the toilet, and food was out of the question. My head felt as though it might burst with pain and pressure. I was severely dehydrated.

When help showed up at my house one late night out of worry and fear for my welfare a week later, I was so out of my head with fever and illness that I got startled; and out of my fear, I got angry and yelled at them to leave. They did, but came back the next day and took me to a doctor.

After weeks of tests, no one could identify what was wrong with me. Two rounds of antibiotics later, I began to improve so they let me stay home rather than sending me to a hospital. My Mom came to stay with me to help with my recovery, after my sister called and told her that something was wrong because I wasn't making any sense on the phone. It was a very humbling experience and one that I learned a great deal from.

Months later as I returned to myself, I realized how traumatic that experience felt to me; I'd just been too out of my head to notice it. If my friends had not stopped by, I might have died right there in my own home, for no good reason other than my own internal obstacles. I promised myself I would not do anything like that again to myself, and that I would heal whatever it was in me that kept me from asking for help even in such desperate circumstances. 

Humble Woman: Paris 2004

And so, here is the result of that healing journey. This month I stepped beyond old stories and wounding, beyond embarrassment and shame, beyond fear and excuses, choosing instead to step into a vision of community that I hold - one that is supportive, loving, intimate and authentic - in which we are all held as family. And it's been absolutely beautiful.

Not only has my community shown up to offer financial support, but they have done so with complete joy and gratitude in their hearts. They hold the vision for my expansion just as brightly as I do. They honor my journey just as deeply as I do. They are as happy as I am about this opportunity. The blessings of joy and fullness on this adventure continue to show up in my email and snail mail boxes. And every one of them is sent with pure love and a "Thank you!" to me for the opportunity to help...

My heart is bursting!! This is the kind of community I want to live in. This is the vision of community that I hold. And through this simple, heartfelt request, I've gotten to feel it and watch it in action. And it is SO humbling and wonderful. It has renewed my spirit in the community of Humankind.

And my friends, this is what it's all about: boundary-free, heart-felt love, love love just because you can...

PS: The request was for blessings and/or financial help for Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training so I can take advantage of a scholarship I was awarded and get officially certified. I think after 12 years of practicing and 4 years of teaching, it's time :) With all the loving support from my community, the rather large investment fairly quickly went from impossible to affordable. Thank You Community from the bottom of my heart!

Mid-Summer Magic

Summer Sunflowers 2011

It is Mid-Summer of 2011 and for once, I'm taking it easy. I'm still doing the things that must be done, yet I am doing them with more presence, ease and a slower pace overall. I'm taking time to play in the sun and water, to nourish and refill myself.

Summer is the perfect time to shake up your habits and routines as you take time to step out of the ordinary and into the playfulness of the season. Take stock of your Being and make space to nourish yourself to more vibrancy. This is a powerful act of divine service!

Mid-Summer is a great time to notice what areas of your life are asking for more attention. Seasonally, this part of the cycle is for nurturing and nourishing what has already been planted. Now is the time to put energy behind what you are growing in your life, and to make changes to your crop that will bring the richest Fall harvest. Take steps now to reap more later!

One way to do this is by reviewing the five aspects of your Being to check how balanced and vibrant they feel: your body, thoughts, feelings, connection to Divine and your energy. These five aspects make up who you are and impact your interactions with the world. When one area is too weak or too strong, the others must compensate for it, which compromises your overall state of Being. Keeping them singly vibrant and collectively balanced means you experience life with more presence, energy and vitality. Now is the perfect time to take stock and begin making changes to support your fullest Being!

Here is a road map of 10 steps to get you going:

1. Begin by exploring which area of your Being is asking for a bit more nurturing:

• Physical - Body, Strength, Health, Wellness
• Mental - Thoughts, Words, Self-Talk
• Emotional - Heart, Feelings, Mood, Relationships To Self/Others
• Spiritual - Sense of Wholeness, Passion, Inspiration, Compassion, Joy
• Energetic - Stamina, Vibrancy, Vitality, Life-Force

2. Once you choose an area, write down 5 actions you might take that would serve you more than what you are currently doing in that area. Choose actions that are easy to do, observe and track. Be honest and keep your choices realistic - things that you can do and are willing to do. Pick some that feel easy and at least one that feels like more of a challenge.

3. Then, pick one of the easier actions and commit to doing it. See if you can break it down into smaller steps. If not, it's probably small enough. 

4. Pick your starting date and time. 

5. Choose how often you will do it each day or week. 

6. Decide how you will measure your success. Set your initial goal within easy reach. Then, build on it as you successfully move forward. 

7. Begin when your starting date and time arrives. Do your action for a day or a week and track how it goes. Notice what arises that supports you in doing it or stops you from doing it. This is valuable information! Use what you learn to keep moving forward around obstacles rather than giving up. Each bit of information can help you refine your plan so it's doable. Everything you learn is fuel for making changes that will lead to your success. Some of what arises may be a surprise because you are challenging your usual habits and beliefs. Notice these places of discomfort and make a conscious choice to carry on. Open to finding out something new and different by challenging the status quo of your life!

8. If you find that you picked something too challenging at first, scale it down or revisit your list and pick something different. Bring self-compassion to the places where you don't meet your goal and do some problem-solving around them: How might you find a gentle way beyond them? If you try to force yourself to do something you really don't want to do, that you're not ready for, or that's too big or challenging, you will lose motivation fast and wind up giving up, feeling hopeless or like a failure. This will only serve to keep you stuck where you are rather than moving you forward. And the intent of making changes in your life is to move yourself forward. So approach both your successes and challenges with openness, love and compassion. Be your own greatest fan and cheerleader!

9. Watch what your mind tells you about it. Your Inner Judge (and we all have one!) may try to sabotage your initiative. Don't let it! Bring compassion and love to yourself rather than judgement. You will move farther faster with encouragement and support; you may not move at all if you listen to your Inner Judge. Question everything your inner judge spews at you. Most of it will not hold up under rigorous questioning. Trust me when I say that everything your Inner Judge says is a distortion of what's true, if it's not a flat-out lie! (For more information about that, check out don Miguel Ruiz's books: The Voice of Knowledge, The Four Agreements or The Fifth Agreement.) To soften your inner judge and reclaim your personal power, simply say to it, "Possibly, and I'm choosing this anyway..."

10. Celebrate every success you make each day and simply note the places where you were challenged.  If you eat 5 cookies rather than 10, celebrate it! If you drink 1 soda instead of 8, celebrate it! If you do 5 minutes of exercise rather than none, celebrate it! For inspiration, keep your eye on your intent and imagine your success! The body doesn't know the difference between what's imagined and what's not, so imagine how it will feel when you succeed! Imagine yourself celebrating! Let your body use that feeling as an anchor for your success.

Red Hot Tulips, Holland 2004

It feels good to achieve a goal and it feels even better to notice the difference it makes in your life. You'll feel stronger, more vibrant and proud of yourself for taking direct action to return to a place of balance and higher integrity within your Being. When you feel more alive, not only do other people notice but so does The Universe, and things begin to change to support you in your new way of being - a way that values you as a unique, divine person. This kind of self love is a gift to yourself worth giving. You can do it, and now is the perfect time to start! 

Surprise!!

Today I woke up early to see my sweetie off to a Saturday gig... I mean, early: 5 a.m.! That might not seem early to you, but it's early to my body, which is generally not ready to be up until there is a hint of sunrise outside.

Sometimes when I arise that early, I feel cranky and not quite awake. But today, I woke up feeling happy and full.  I saw my sweetie off and went back to bed to meditate and dream. I love dreaming just before sunrise because the content is rich and creative for me.

Maybe two hours or so later, I made my way into my meditation space. That's when I saw it: a beautiful surprise set up by my sweet Sweetie sometime outside of my awareness, which is a tricky thing to do because I spend the majority of my time in my office where my meditation space is, and I'm in and out of that space all day long until I go to sleep, generally.

But there it was - my Anniversary surprise: a vibrant yellow Marigold; a beautiful and sentimental card; a certificate acknowledging the day we met at a car wash; a red "Love" candle; a Chinese 6 Coin Hanger for abundance; and several of my favorite chocolates!

My heart burst open at the sight of all the love that was sneaked into my day...Oh - what a feeling it was! I cannot describe how such a simple yet deeply thought out gift touched me to the point of tears.

My sweetie got me; my sweetie got me really good with that surprise. My mind was not in the space of "anniversary" because we debated and ultimately agreed that our official anniversary would be what we both considered our first date: November 9th.

But we met on March 26th at a car wash. Yep, I was waiting for my car (which conveniently got "lost" in the back some place) and there we found ourselves sitting on a bench outside engrossed in conversation for an hour. My sweetie's car came out before mine even though I'd been there for some time before...

That's when I discovered that my car was "lost." When I asked about it, the college student girl with the drying towels in her hand said, "Oh - that blue Mazda back there is yours?? We were wondering who it belonged to!" Um, yes, that blue Mazda is mine. For some reason I'll never know, my Mazda wasn't driven up to the front like the rest of the cars. It had been sitting out back for over an hour, and I had been sitting at that car wash for two hours by that time, thoroughly enjoying the visit with my new sexy and sweet friend. I'm not sure who they thought that Mazda belonged to but it was parked out back, clean, dry and ready to go.

That "delay" gave me and my sweetie plenty of time to decide we kinda liked each other, and to make a date to reconnect in a month or so after I returned from some travels I had coming up. I like to believe that it was divine intervention so we could meet, but that's just the romantic in me...

So when I discovered this beautiful gift this morning, I was completely surprised. "Anniversary" was nowhere in my brain. Until I read the card, I had no idea what the surprise was for; and even then, I was a bit confused: "Anniversary? But we decided that was in November!" It was the perfect art of surprise.

I was reminded that love is simply that: a random expression that reaches out and unconditionally touches the heart of another, just to love. How blessed I feel to be the recipient....

I love love!!

Sacred Intent for the New Year

We're four days into the new year and folks are all about new year's resolutions. Personally, I turned in my resolutions years ago for intentions. My dictionary says that resolution is "boldness and firmness of purpose" while intention is  "an aim or purpose." Call it semantics if you want, but it feels like a softer, gentler, more focused way to hold my energy for the year.

When we set intentions, we are putting things into motion on an energetic level. This is why it is so important to hold intentions in a sacred way. They are powerful acts of creation. When we set an intent, we are, in fact, creating a movement of energy in the infinite field of energy that we live in. We are asking for something new and specific to arise, and we are saying no to what no longer serves us. This is a sacred act not to be taken lightly. In taking such things lightly, we risk creating chaos in our lives.

This is a great time to take stock of our past resolutions or intentions, to choose again what we want to carry forward and what we want to let go of, and then to consciously cut from what we're leaving behind. Consciously cutting from what we no longer want in life is as important as choosing what we want. It frees up the energy we had invested in the old thing to feed the new thing we want today.

 We are allowed to change our minds and change our direction; things change all the time. To ignore the changes means we are not present with what is. We can drag all the old stuff forward if we want, but all it does is weigh us down, slow our movement and add confusion to our journey. Now is the perfect time to review our old intentions and revise them, updating them to the newest version of who we are.

The funny thing about intentions is that they are a two-part process: we have them, we hold them with 100% commitment and yet we surrender them at the same time. Well, we don't really surrender them; we surrender how we think they should look. Usually when we set an intent, our mind butts in and tells us how it should look when the intent is met - how we will know we've succeeded. But the reality is that our mind doesn't see past our nose, so the picture it gives us is very limited and limiting. The mind wants us to believe that what we want is impossible or unobtainable for whatever reasons it conjures up. If we let it, it can stop us in our tracks...

That's why it's important to let go of the image the mind creates as the measure of whether or not we've been successful in our intentions. It's about releasing attachment to the outcome and opening up to the infinite possibilities. The feeling state of what we want to achieve seeds the Universe with what we are asking for; it's the vibration that the Universe responds to. So we let go of the how ("How will this happen? How will this look? How is this possible?") and focus our energy on the what. What is it that we want to feel when we meet our intent?

This is a great year to open up to the infinite possibilities surrounding our intents and invite the Universe to be creative in supporting their expression in our lives. We must open the eyes of our hearts to see the possibilities most clearly. They may not look at all like our mind imagines them, but that doesn't mean they didn't show up. If we limit our view to that of our mind and to what it thinks things are supposed to look like or how they're supposed to happen, we might easily miss what it is when it actually shows up!

I am reminded of how powerful it is to celebrate each intent and hold gratitude for each step we make toward it. Even the ones we let go of and cut from are important markers along our journey. What we don't choose is just as significant as what we do choose. Each choice is an expression of our being; each thing we accept or reject is a reflection of who we are in this moment. Take nothing for granted.

It's easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves for not meeting our new year intentions. Be aware of this trap! Instead of judging yourself this year, take time to reflect on and decide if each intent you set is really what you want, and then celebrate your freedom to choose anew as you move your life forward.

Happy New Year, my friends. May you be inspired by the infinite possibilities of life.

Honoring a Promise

 Many of you read about Priscilla, the beautiful Garden Spider that set up her home outside my office window late last summer. She created two egg sacs that hung beneath the soffit just above her web  a few months before she died. Priscilla and I formed a sweet relationship during the months she hung out there watching over her babies. Her vibrancy, stamina, determination and especially the love she clearly showed for her babies touched my heart deeply.

When she died, I promised her I would make sure that her babies stayed safe until they emerged from their protective sacs. Just one problem: late Summer rains created flooding in our yard with a gully-washer that swept around the base of the same wall Priscilla had made her home. Deterioration of the bottom of the wall means that we must replace it and deal with drainage issues in the yard around it. Otherwise, we'll get water in the house each time we have a hard rain.

I panicked when I heard this because of Priscilla's babies. I knew they would either be knocked down to their deaths or have to be moved. I searched online for a way to move them but found nothing....So, my own brain began to work it out. I had to find a way to move them to a secure location before the wall was scheduled to be repaired.

I decided that I would use a thin piece of cardboard (of which I have many stashed in my "art supply center") with a piece of fabric glued to it, hoping the webbing would adhere to the fabric. I would (easily) slide the fabric-covered cardboard along the top of the webbing to "grab" the egg sacs (which of course would be dangling freely and happily beneath it), carefully transport them to their new location, and attach the cardboard to the soffit with nails, where the sacs would safely hang until the babies emerged.

Sounds great in theory, but I had no idea if it would work. There was only one way to find out...

 The egg sacs in their original location

On Sunday, I got my sweetie (whom I'd already convinced of the importance of this) to help me with the "egg sac relocation." Step by step I proceeded with my plan: cardboard (Check!), fabric (Check!), fabric glued to cardboard (Check!), folded duck tape on back of cardboard to stick it up and hold it in place at the new location while tacking it (my smart sweetie's idea - Check!), hammer and nails (Check!)... Now all we need are the egg sacs...

...cardboard slipped above webbing under soffit to easily grab the egg sacs (with my sweeties hands underneath to catch them, just in case)...(Check??) "Wow, it's really sticky and dense. It's not really moving; it won't let go on it's own. I'll have to pull it down. It's YELLOW! It's so beautiful. It feels weird. OK, here I go....!"

So, I manually detached the webbing from the soffit, doing my best not to disturb the egg sacs as I dismantled their support system: "It's not sticking to the fabric. I'll have to wrap it around somehow so it will stay and they will keep hanging...Whoops! Sorry little babies! They just went sideways for a second; hang on! Oh, it's OK little babies; you're moving to a new home. Just hang in there!"

That's pretty much how it went for the 5 or so minutes it took to detach them while keeping them hanging freely in the beautiful and protective golden webbing Momma Priscilla had created for them. Oh, how I hated to pull that down! "I'm sorry little ones! Bear with me; this will just take a second! Almost there.... GOT IT!"

I was so happy to have them freely hanging below the fabric-cardboard bus of theirs, completely intact although a bit jumbled within the now-defunct golden webbing around them. My sweetie and I carefully carried them to their new location around the corner, set the cardboard in place and tacked it up. Then I worked to carefully rearrange their golden webbing so that it looked more as it did before I moved them, and so they were hanging down rather than sideways...

 The egg sacs in their new location

Then, we took a bit of man-made webbing from Halloween and I did my best to recreate the kind of protective "shield" Momma Priscilla had set over them from the soffit above to the wall below. I stretched it as thinly as I could to imitate her skillfully laid shielding. Hers was far more artistic and graceful than mine. I have a new-found respect for these amazing creatures and the webs they weave.

 Notice how visible my "webbing" is compared to Momma Priscilla's original webbing. I stretched it quite a bit to get it thin, although you can't really tell that in the picture. I may remove it once they are born. Somehow, these little egg sacs look much more vulnerable hanging here than they did where Momma Priscilla had set up house. Maybe that was part of why she put them where she did? Next time (if there is a next time), I'll pick a more camouflaged bus!

DONE! The beautiful egg sacs are now hanging just outside our back door where we can monitor them closely and send them lots of love until their birthdays... Looking at pictures of the babies online, I suspect we might regret this decision later...but hey, it works for now! (Shhhh! Don't tell my sweetie.)

 Baby Garden Spiders

At the end of it all, we felt rather pleased and proud of what we'd managed to do. We have no idea if it worked or not; we won't know until the Spring when it will be time for these tiny creatures to emerge from their egg sacs. What we can say is that we did our best and that we wait with excitement and anticipation for the big Springtime "due date" (whenever that is).

I'd say that was a pretty good adventure on this A Year To Love journey...

The Opening

 Ever have one of those days where everything just goes your way? The traffic lights turn green as you approach them; you see someone you've been meaning to call; you find the perfect parking spot; someone gifts you with something you've been wanting...? It's easy to hold love in my heart on those days.

But what about those other days when nothing seems to go your way? You're running late; the traffic lights go red as you approach; people are driving slow all around you; you miss important phone calls; you can't find a parking spot; you want something you can't afford...? What about on those days?

 Can I still hold love in my heart?

I'm finding myself practicing opening to everything around me - especially to the things that feel uncomfortable. I've done this type of practice before, but this time it feels different, deeper, more real.

To have a life here is a gift. To feel the things I can sense here is a gift: the warmth of the sun on my skin; the cool breeze; the beautiful sound of wind chimes; the touch of a friend; the wetness of a sip of water; the tickle of blowing hair; the gentle crunch of the grass beneath my feet; the weight of a blanket in bed...

These are all things I get to experience here, just because I am here. They are just a part of being here. Opening to these sensations is a joy; it brings tears to my eyes...

In balance with that are things like accidentally bending a fingernail back; stepping barefoot on a sharp sticker bur; the death of someone or something I love; burning my wrist on the oven; stubbing my toe; a distressing phone call; having a migraine; getting a paper cut... These are also incredible sensations, just not what the mind would label as pleasant ones. They can also bring tears to my eyes...

 Can I open to them too?

This is what I'm playing with more deeply: opening to all experiences and sensations... with love in my heart. Is it possible? Is it worth it? I believe that it is. It reminds me that everything is just a form of energy moving, some gently and some intensely... yet it is all just energy moving and expressing itself. I don't have to control or define any of it; I simply have to carry myself through it. I can do that in an open way or a closed way; I am choosing open this year.

This adventure is about deepening into the experience of carrying myself through life with an open heart to every bit of it...not only opening to what is, but loving what is. I don't know if I can, but this is the year to try!

FIVE...!!

Five days left before my death... Oh boy, is my mind racing. Part of me wants to panic, feeling rushed to complete lots of projects and ideas ("Have I forgotten anything??"). Part of me wants to rest, feeling peaceful and full from all the things I've experienced here ("Wow. What a ride!"). And part of me wants to have a huge party with all the people who have been a part of it in celebration of a life begun in innocence, lived to my best ability, and now surrendered...for better or worse ("Thank you all. I love you all. Celebrate my transformation!").

I remember participating in a specific death ceremony not too many years ago at a sacred site down in Mexico with a couple of my spiritual teachers. Part of the ceremony meant gathering up a "double" of all parts of your self and your life, and offering it to The Angel of Death in gratitude. I remember being hesitant to do so, thinking to myself "I wouldn't wish this mess on anyone! I have nothing positive to offer. Do I really want to give this to the Angel of Death? It doesn't feel like an offering; it feels like a burden..."

Recalling that now makes me chuckle. My life today feels so different; I've come to appreciate every stinking bit of it...the good, the bad and the ugly, as I like to say. I've achieved many of the things I hoped to: survived high school, went to college, got my Ph.D., had a career, published a book, created an intimate circle of friends and seekers, and felt a full spectrum of things along the way.

Now I can say I'm living my dream - doing things that I love in service to the Divine - teaching Kundalini Yoga, counseling and spiritual life coaching, writing, and offering workshops to heal, open and inspire the heart. I am blessed to share a sacred partnership with a beautiful human being that supports, loves, accepts and expands me. I live in authenticity and feel good about who I am, continually seeking opportunities to get bigger in service. I love where I live and I love my pets. In fact, there is nothing about my life today that I am unhappy with; it is all potential to expand. Today, I happily offer the fullness of my life up to the Angel of Death with tremendous gratitude. I believe I've found heaven in my heart.

And I have aspirations and visions for more in my being - something even bigger than what I've already created. I feel it around the corner yet I don't quite know what's there yet... Oh Angel of Death, be merciful. May the transition be filled with light and grace, opening gateways to the vast and infinite beyond; and may I simply step up...

Priscilla & The Way

Meet "Priscilla." Priscilla is a beautiful garden spider that set up house on the back  of my office wall outside. She has been there (to my noticing) for about a month. When I first saw her, she was big and vibrant, sitting in the center of a large, intricate web design. When I introduced myself to her, she shared that her name was "Priscilla," adding quite clearly that she was in no way prissy.

Beneath the roof above her was a large round egg sack. A few days later, a second egg sack appeared. I figure she must be pretty stout to create not one but two egg sacks... Priscilla stayed just below the sacks for weeks, diligently rebuilding her web whenever it got damaged. Then about a week ago she relocated herself around the corner of the building, leaving her egg sacks well sheltered and protected.

This week, I watched her slowly fade. Her body went from full and vibrant to shriveled, dull, and dark. Knowing that she was dying, I spoke to her daily, reassuring her that her egg sacks were healthy and safe, and that I would make sure they survived until birth.

Yesterday when I visited Priscilla, she looked and felt very weak in her web. An hour later, she abandoned her web for a single thread which she hoisted herself up onto. She clung there, weakly, for maybe half an hour until she dropped to the ground, nearly lifeless. I took the liberty of picking her up, showing her the safe, healthy egg sacks one last time, and placing her among flowers and greenery in my garden beneath my office window for her final rest.

Priscilla reminded me of the beauty and power of The Way. All things arise from the infinite field of energy, exist for a period of time, and then dissolve away again, having left something behind for those remaining. Although we grieve the surrendering, it is a gift and an integral part of the cycle of all things. Without the shedding of what's served it's purpose and expired, there would be no space or nourishment for the new to arise.

I am reminded of my own tiny deaths each day - the parts of me that I surrender for new parts to be born. From Priscilla's death will come hundreds of baby spiders! I am watching anxiously and excitedly for them to appear from their healthy egg sacks, and am wondering with as much excitement about what will arise in my own life from my upcoming death.

For in just 11 days, another cycle of my life will unfold: I will die and be reborn, free of what no longer serves my highest good and my ability to be of service to the Divine. This is the end of a conscious year of living and life - the end of my A Year To Live adventure. What is beyond it, I don't  know. That's the mystery of the other side: we don't know until we're there.

If you want to take a peek to the other side, consider joining me for a fun and full Dia de los Muertos workshop (http://www.myinnerscapes.com/workshops/) on November 29th, perfectly timed when the veils are thinnest. Learn about the special energy of Day of the Dead, glimpse into the other realm through a psychic medium, make objects for your own altar, and leave with a fun goodies bag to get you in the spirit.

Death is not our enemy but our ally. Celebrate The Way!

Dragons and Faeries and Wizards, oh my!

Well, I was mistaken: I only thought last weekend was my final trip to the Texas Renaissance Festival (fondly known as "TRF") in this year to live, when in fact, I went again this past Sunday... and yes, had an absolute ball being a faery in what can best be described as the land of magical fantasy.

You see, each weekend has a theme: last weekend (opening weekend) was Octoberfest so I dressed up like a gypsy; and this weekend was "1001 Dreams" so I dressed up like an Earth Faery and walked among the Wizards, elves, dragons, and Ents (check your Lord of the Rings history if you don't know what an Ent is...).

I even got to throw an axe at a target which I hit but not the bullseye. For some reason, this particular game inspires me more than any of the others... except that I had to take off my wings so as not to chop them up with the axe! I felt good for having stuck most of my axes firmly in the wooden wall while the big muscular dudes around me were only bouncing them off to the ground in dismay...

The Renaissance Festival gives everyone the chance to play like a kid on Halloween and be whoever you choose for a day. It's kinda like the whole Las Vegas thing: "What happens at TRF stays at TRF." For me, it's a chance to wear a fantasy skin and be among hundreds of other folks wearing different skins too - taking on a "new" persona from head to toe - and loving every minute of it.

At TRF, you get a taste of magical life at its best and most fun. But it's not all about the magic. You also get to see what it is that keeps you from opening up fully to life itself. If you can't open up in fantasy land then chances are good that you can't open up in life either. It's a great place to see what the internal obstacles are that keep you closed up to living life to the fullest and most vibrant degree. And why not? We're only here once in this particular human form.

Hey - time's a ticking. The TRF goes on every weekend through November 28th out near Plantersville, TX. What are you waiting for? Go have some fun!

This is my life... for 20 more days

Wow - just 20 days left! Suddenly a part of me panics at the thought..."OK. You have 20 days left. What are you going to do with them? 20 days isn't very long..."

Of course the truth is that although I have 20 days left to live in this A Year To Live experiment, I may really only have a few minutes or hours.... The Angel of Death can tap on our shoulder at any moment of any day. That is the truth. So why am I worrying about 20 days?

There's a part of me that would have loved to go to Italy, France, Holland, Spain and all those other places before I died. And there's the part of me that has been completely full and happy just being right here, living my life and loving the people and things that are a part of it.

This weekend I went to the Texas Renaissance Fest with my sweetie and a couple of friends. I walked into the fest dressed in jeans and a t-shirt but walked out dressed in a gypsy outfit complete with a jingle-jangly belt around my waist. Oh boy, did we have a blast! We danced and laughed and flirted and ate strange food and got henna tattoos and saw all kinds of great things happening around us. It occurred to me while we were there that it would be my last fest in this year to live, and who knows... maybe ever. So I played hard and felt free.

This is my life: filled with service work that I love; a sacred partnership that fills me with such sweetness; friendships that are true, intimate and playful; and a heart filled with joy at all of it. I look at my life and it makes me happy to see what I've created. It didn't always feel this great, but it does now...

If the Angel of Death tapped on my shoulder right now, I would leave this life feeling full and happy in my heart. So don't be too sad to see me go; celebrate the gifts that life offers in every moment and claim them in their fullest expression for yourself.

A Song For The Dying

These days I'm not sure what's related to what. Am I feeling physically tired and fatigued because of some nutritional or hormonal issue? Or because I'm busier with writing, teaching, and presenting? Or because I'm not sleeping very well? Or because my neck has been giving me grief so I haven't been able to exercise regularly? Or because of the energetic shifts that are happening Universally and within my being? Or because I'm coming close to my death date?


52 DAYS is a very short time that I have left in this experience. I'm contemplating the details of my death and how I want to approach it. Do I want to have a big celebration or a quiet, intimate exit? How important is it that I finalize all the details of how to handle my body? Who do I want to contact and in what way before I die? How do I really want to spend this last 52 days?

Of all the questions flowing through, the one arising the most is What is my death chant? Somehow this one piece feels most important to my process. I feel that it would be comforting to have one rehearsed and intimately familiar when I die. There is something beautiful about the vibration of sound in and out of the body...

Levine describes the healing/death chant as "a familiar path into the unfamiliar - a sacred path." He writes: "A death chant can act as a refuge from the storm, or an open window to the sun. Whatever the chant is it will bring us closer to grace, our original nature, the Kingdom of Heaven that is within."

For all of those that I have death-walked, I've sung to them for hours as they transitioned. It is a beautiful thing to watch the spirit of a being rest into the sounds of a song. I don't know if there will be anyone by my side singing to me when I die, but I can be; I can sing to myself!

Aside from all the formal details of what will happen to me and my stuff, the death chant feels most significant as a bridge between this physical life and the ethereal one that I'll be shifting into. This is the piece to focus on; this is the way forward. The rest feels like looking back, which I've spent lots of time doing already, cleaning up and preparing things.

Yes - my death chant is calling...

The Gifts of Life & Death

I traveled to Houston last weekend to celebrate my Dad's 78th birthday. While I was there, I found myself sitting back and watching everyone - my parents, sisters, brother-in-laws, nieces and nephews, friends, dogs - sharing and laughing together. I was filled with so much love for everyone there.

And I realized that I've spent so much time during this year to live focused on cleaning up my own life in preparation to die that I'd nearly overlooked the fact that I'm also letting go of everyone else's lives. My nieces and nephews are all in high school and college now; exciting things are happening in their lives! My sisters are close to being "empty nesters" and embarking on new realms in their own lives, too. My parents are aging and in need of unconditional love and compassionate care. I will not be here to experience these beautiful phases and stages of any of their lives...

I found myself feeling an interesting mix of a heart full of joyous love and deep, intimate grief for the letting go of it all. I realized that as I am surrendering the details of my own life to death, so I am surrendering the details of theirs, too.

This morning I sat with the remembering of a car accident I was involved in nearly 12 years ago. It occurred to me that at that time as I was faced with the possibility of dying, I was fully ready and willing to go. My life was filled with struggle and distress; I used to call myself "the walking dead." Plus, the feeling of following the pull to the other side was so glorious that there was not one bit of hesitation; I would have let my entire life go for the beauty of the pull I felt "over there." In the end, it was simply not time for me to go...

Yet today as I am faced with the same death, I am filled with an emotional mix of love and grief. I love my entire life now; there is not one single part of it that I don't like or enjoy. And so I grieve the letting go of it all - every crazy bit of it....

 That's not to say that my life does not have any struggle or distress in it today. It simply means that I have found a new level of relationship with life and myself as a part of it. And this new relationship is one of  curiosity, discovery, experimentation, opening, love, acceptance, celebration and joy. I am a drop in an ocean of divine life. And as that drop I enjoy every bit of experience that I get to have here; and as a part of the ocean, I enjoy every bit of the sense of unity that I feel here within the wholeness and fullness of living.

I have 78 days left to live. There are so many places I have not seen, so many things I have not done, so many people I have not finished with - finished enjoying and loving. I guess that's just a part of dying: my life may not be all wrapped up in a nice, neat package when I die. It may just be the crazy mix that it is. And I will have to leave it all anyway...

Release. Surrender. Open... Can my relationship with death be the same as my relationship with life - one of  curiosity, discovery, experimentation, opening, love, acceptance, celebration and joy? I wonder...

Mind Games

This morning I took my dog for a walk. On the way home while stopped at a light, I had an interesting impulse: "Use the visor to block the sun..." I heard my mind say, and my hand went habitually to pull the visor over to the window. But a half-instant later I realized that this mental impulse was contrary to what I felt, which was to turn my face to the sun and enjoy its warmth on my skin. So I returned the visor to its storage place, closed my eyes and turned my face to the sun, smiling as I took in its beautiful light and warmth.

"How many times a day," I thought, "do mental impulses like this one lead me to do things that I don't really want to do? Out of habit? Or unconsciousness? Or from a lack of presence?" This one small incident of "catching my mind in the act" raised a whole new level of awareness for me.

Sometimes I call that kind of mental rambling "a runaway train." I've learned that if I focus on even one of those thoughts - one of those cars on that train - my thoughts go running away along the rest of the train until I am so far down the tracks from the present moment that I miss it completely.

The trick, I've learned, is not to follow even one of those cars beyond its usefulness. It might be helpful for me to attend to the thought, "Did I turn off the hose?" but it's not useful for me to then go running through every car on that train: "If I didn't, the water bill is going to be SO high! I can't believe I didn't turn off the hose. I can't believe that I forgot again! No - maybe I DID turn off the hose... did I? I can't remember. Maybe I should run home and check after I finish this? It's so hot; what a waste of water! We're trying so hard to conserve and then I leave the hose on again! Stupid me! Maybe I could call someone to check it for me...." and on and on and on.

Not only does the mind take off down the train tracks, but it judges me in the process, making me feel doubly bad. It doesn't say "Well, if the hose IS on, the grass and trees are getting a good soak!" No, it creates a disaster. And the humor is that I probably did turn off the hose! And even if I didn't, it's not the end of the world, but that's what the mind wants me to believe. It goes into what some folks call "disaster mind" and makes a huge deal out of a silly little thing like maybe leaving the hose on.

Today I was gently reminded of the games my mind plays so habitually at times that it's easy for me to miss, opening the door for disaster mind and a lack of presence. I caught it this morning; I'm happy for that. I've been practicing feeling my way through the world rather than thinking it so much. Today I got a clear view of the difference between the two, and I'm definitely more interested in the feeling of it...

Counting my way down to "my final hour" is bringing much more of this type of presence into my life. I am grateful for that. I have 109 days left to live now; I really want to be present for all of them...

Time's a Ticking

I'm still feeling a bit "snotty in the head" today, but my energy is returning. I taught all my yoga classes this week, despite not feeling my best and having a minor surgery Tuesday afternoon. The doc said the stitches on my back are somewhat fragile, so ordered me off of yoga and exercise for two weeks until they come out. "What?? I just got back into the habit and my body is enjoying it again! I'm not stopping for two whole weeks. Nope. You say what you want doc, but I'm not listening..." Of course, I didn't say that with my outloud voice...

And, it was only partly true. I listened enough, and have made my choices with awareness. Doctors can be so black-and-white... Needless to say, neither my yoga classes nor my exercise time missed me.

Tonight, I go to Austin to offer what I can to the Toltec talk HeatherAsh is giving at Marigold. I've already done more today than many days, having made time to do my energy practices this morning, answer emails, clean up bookkeeping records, write a blog for my website, deal with book marketing issues, actually eat a real breakfast, and now writing this blog before grabbing a quick snack and taking my dog for a walk so I can shower and head out soon to run a few errands before going to Austin.

Time's a ticking and I don't have all day; in fact, I don't have all year, either! Go baby, go!

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Celebrate - Part 4

“We are infinite, boundless, energetic somethings using a human body here. Oh the joy I will feel when I am free of this body!”

If you read Celebrate - Part 3, you recognize that quote. It is my hope that it is true. And now I see that it is also my attachment. It's what I'd like death to mean or be. And what if it's not? That is part of what I must surrender during what’s left of my Year to Live. It’s just an idea of what physical death may bring, yet I cannot know if it is the truth.

And what if it’s not? What if there’s something strange, uncomfortable, uncontrollable, or empty after this? Or what if there’s nothing after this? Then what? Will I know it? Will I have consciousness and know that what’s happening is not what I imagined or wanted or hoped for? Will I care? Will anyone care?

That's something to consider; not necessarily what comes next, but rather, my attachment to what comes next. Can I simply open to whatever it is without holding an idea of what I think it is or what I want it to be? Can I really get to a place of neutrality around what comes next?

How many days do I have left??????????

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Celebrate - Part 3

The grief we experience following a loved one’s death is for us, not them, because it is us who will miss them, not they who will miss us. We grieve because there’s a void we must fill now, where they once were in our hearts and lives; and because it’s sad and hard to say goodbye to someone we love so deeply and have held so closely for so long. It’s sad and it’s hard and it’s empty for a while, yet life goes on for all of us “poor schmucks” who remain behind…

Sometimes, I think they are the lucky ones; they are the ones with the expanded view – access to the mystery and the truth and the freedom. Yes, they – the dead ones – are the lucky ones, not us. They get to know in a way that we mere humans cannot. We are confined and restricted by these physical forms we wear like undersized coats for our essences. I love how Jill Bolte Taylor described this. She basically said that she wondered how she would ever fit her massive essence back into her tiny physical body as she shifted from “death” back to “life” following a stroke (See her book Stroke of Insight, and/or her TED conference presentation, which can be accessed at www.myinnerscapes.com).

That’s what I’m talking about; that’s the thing: I am – we are –  not these physical beings. We are infinite, boundless, energetic somethings using a human body here. Oh the joy I will feel when I am free of this body!

Celebrate my death, y’all; celebrate it!!

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Celebrate: Part 2

"I found myself squelching my desire to whoop and holler and celebrate each of their departures and newfound freedom; and I shifted my focus and shed tears instead. Yet I was aware that the tears I cried were genuine compassion for all the other grieving people in the room, and maybe even a few for myself; not for my Grandfather or Grandmother."

That's what I wrote in my last post. It felt so strange… so strange to feel the deep grief of all the other people in contrast to the magnificent sense of overwhelming joy and expansiveness I felt from each of my grandparents when they died. Each of them had health issues that led to drawn-out hospitalizations before their deaths. There was such a sense of freedom on the other side of that – for them – that my own energy was pulled there rather than to any grief I might have felt. Especially after my grandmother died; I thought “She did it! She finally got past her fear and surrendered her ego. She finally let go into the Divine, and now she is free!” Oh how I wanted to celebrate that for her, with her!

Yet in this society, we can’t; it’s not acceptable to celebrate at the moment of someone’s death. It’s viewed as disrespectful and cold or even callous. Folks start talking about wills and insurance claims and motives if you celebrate a death; it’s simply not done. Nope! You wear black, keep a somber face, turn off all music, cut off all joy, and stay in mourning until an appropriate period of time passes, whatever that is, so that everyone knows that you are truly aggrieved, as you rightly should be in their view. After all, your loved one just died!

Yet what is death? What does that mean – to die? Interestingly, the Buddhists see our physical birth as death to our Spirit form, and our physical death as birth to our Spirit form. So for them, birth is death and death is birth, since the ultimate goal is to connect as deeply and intimately as possible with our Divinity, which is more closely linked to our Spirit form than our physical one.

I’ve always liked that perspective…

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.