A Shaman's Death

This year, I have the pleasure of "dying" twice: once last weekend as an ending to a shamanic intensive I've been involved with for most of 2011, and the other in December with a year-long circle I've been holding since January - my AWAKEN Circle. 

I had no agenda for last weekend's death, other than to be shown whatever was for me to see. The experience was quite surreal on several fronts. What I will share is that for the first time in my "dying" experiences, I was actually buried in the damp soil of the Earth - head to toe, all but my shrouded face covered over with dirt. It was a strangely wonderful experience. 

I loved digging my own grave; it was a tremendously sacred act. And I loved having someone so special to me cover me over with dirt; it was also a sacred act. The feeling of it cannot be put to words. I wished I would have the same pleasure upon my actual death...

I was buried between two huge old oak trees for some period of time. I could hear the wind blowing through the leaves above me as I laid in the dirt, dead. I could also hear flies checking me out, and the whisper of birds flying past and chirping their songs around me, creating moments of total peace and serenity. In contrast, every so often a battery of intense gunfire rang out nearby...as if taunting me with the reality of my death.

The soil was moist and rich and dark in color. I imagined while digging my grave that I would get damp and cold in there. But what happened was that I felt cozy and warm instead, completely held by the love of the Earth. Twice while buried, a wave of a damp coldness passed through me to the bone, but they were only waves, lasting only for what felt like moments...and then the warmth returned. 

At some point my awareness shifted into what I can only describe as a pureness of being. My senses heightened - specifically vibratory sensations. Everything became as a vibration - a wave of energy moving through my body as I laid in the dirt. There was no thought; only presence and vibration. My body opened until I felt fully expanded into all things... as one vibration of being...a vibration of Love in its purest form.

This was a different experience from my past deaths in which I felt an acute letting go of the physical - a sort of separation of my energy body from my physical one and from all things physical. Not so this time. This time, I felt a merging with - an expansion into - all things physical or vibratory. I had an acute sense of connectedness with rather than separation from the physical, even in death. It was beautiful. 

I do not hold anything around the meaning of this experience; I only cherish how it felt. At some point, I arose from the dirt as if on cue from some higher source of wisdom - fully alive, fully awake, fully vibratory, having dropped into an even deeper connection with something beyond the physical. Life and death, death and life: two sides of the same face. I am both of them; both of them are me. 

And so this journey continues: Adventures in Love - my personal exploration into the power of the vibration of Love.

Mid-Summer Magic

Summer Sunflowers 2011

It is Mid-Summer of 2011 and for once, I'm taking it easy. I'm still doing the things that must be done, yet I am doing them with more presence, ease and a slower pace overall. I'm taking time to play in the sun and water, to nourish and refill myself.

Summer is the perfect time to shake up your habits and routines as you take time to step out of the ordinary and into the playfulness of the season. Take stock of your Being and make space to nourish yourself to more vibrancy. This is a powerful act of divine service!

Mid-Summer is a great time to notice what areas of your life are asking for more attention. Seasonally, this part of the cycle is for nurturing and nourishing what has already been planted. Now is the time to put energy behind what you are growing in your life, and to make changes to your crop that will bring the richest Fall harvest. Take steps now to reap more later!

One way to do this is by reviewing the five aspects of your Being to check how balanced and vibrant they feel: your body, thoughts, feelings, connection to Divine and your energy. These five aspects make up who you are and impact your interactions with the world. When one area is too weak or too strong, the others must compensate for it, which compromises your overall state of Being. Keeping them singly vibrant and collectively balanced means you experience life with more presence, energy and vitality. Now is the perfect time to take stock and begin making changes to support your fullest Being!

Here is a road map of 10 steps to get you going:

1. Begin by exploring which area of your Being is asking for a bit more nurturing:

• Physical - Body, Strength, Health, Wellness
• Mental - Thoughts, Words, Self-Talk
• Emotional - Heart, Feelings, Mood, Relationships To Self/Others
• Spiritual - Sense of Wholeness, Passion, Inspiration, Compassion, Joy
• Energetic - Stamina, Vibrancy, Vitality, Life-Force

2. Once you choose an area, write down 5 actions you might take that would serve you more than what you are currently doing in that area. Choose actions that are easy to do, observe and track. Be honest and keep your choices realistic - things that you can do and are willing to do. Pick some that feel easy and at least one that feels like more of a challenge.

3. Then, pick one of the easier actions and commit to doing it. See if you can break it down into smaller steps. If not, it's probably small enough. 

4. Pick your starting date and time. 

5. Choose how often you will do it each day or week. 

6. Decide how you will measure your success. Set your initial goal within easy reach. Then, build on it as you successfully move forward. 

7. Begin when your starting date and time arrives. Do your action for a day or a week and track how it goes. Notice what arises that supports you in doing it or stops you from doing it. This is valuable information! Use what you learn to keep moving forward around obstacles rather than giving up. Each bit of information can help you refine your plan so it's doable. Everything you learn is fuel for making changes that will lead to your success. Some of what arises may be a surprise because you are challenging your usual habits and beliefs. Notice these places of discomfort and make a conscious choice to carry on. Open to finding out something new and different by challenging the status quo of your life!

8. If you find that you picked something too challenging at first, scale it down or revisit your list and pick something different. Bring self-compassion to the places where you don't meet your goal and do some problem-solving around them: How might you find a gentle way beyond them? If you try to force yourself to do something you really don't want to do, that you're not ready for, or that's too big or challenging, you will lose motivation fast and wind up giving up, feeling hopeless or like a failure. This will only serve to keep you stuck where you are rather than moving you forward. And the intent of making changes in your life is to move yourself forward. So approach both your successes and challenges with openness, love and compassion. Be your own greatest fan and cheerleader!

9. Watch what your mind tells you about it. Your Inner Judge (and we all have one!) may try to sabotage your initiative. Don't let it! Bring compassion and love to yourself rather than judgement. You will move farther faster with encouragement and support; you may not move at all if you listen to your Inner Judge. Question everything your inner judge spews at you. Most of it will not hold up under rigorous questioning. Trust me when I say that everything your Inner Judge says is a distortion of what's true, if it's not a flat-out lie! (For more information about that, check out don Miguel Ruiz's books: The Voice of Knowledge, The Four Agreements or The Fifth Agreement.) To soften your inner judge and reclaim your personal power, simply say to it, "Possibly, and I'm choosing this anyway..."

10. Celebrate every success you make each day and simply note the places where you were challenged.  If you eat 5 cookies rather than 10, celebrate it! If you drink 1 soda instead of 8, celebrate it! If you do 5 minutes of exercise rather than none, celebrate it! For inspiration, keep your eye on your intent and imagine your success! The body doesn't know the difference between what's imagined and what's not, so imagine how it will feel when you succeed! Imagine yourself celebrating! Let your body use that feeling as an anchor for your success.

Red Hot Tulips, Holland 2004

It feels good to achieve a goal and it feels even better to notice the difference it makes in your life. You'll feel stronger, more vibrant and proud of yourself for taking direct action to return to a place of balance and higher integrity within your Being. When you feel more alive, not only do other people notice but so does The Universe, and things begin to change to support you in your new way of being - a way that values you as a unique, divine person. This kind of self love is a gift to yourself worth giving. You can do it, and now is the perfect time to start! 

Me and My Ego

Me and my ego are friends now. We weren't always friends but over the past several years, I've made it my mission to befriend my ego as much as possible. I spend much of my time watching it closely through reflection from others and through my own self-witnessing. For a time, it was a part of me that I resisted and tried to rid myself of, mistakenly believing that I could. In some circles, people speak about the ego as a kind of a Human curse to overcome or even "kill" from the Being. The ego is blamed for some not-so-pleasant aspects of being Human...

Yet, as a Human Being created by a Divine Source, I believe there must be a reason for the ego aspect of who I am. I could make all kinds of guesses as to what those reasons may be, but all that really matters in the end is that I accept it as a part of me. In all my resistance to my ego, I discovered that as long as I'm a Human Being, I'm part ego. If I were not a Human Being, I might not have ego; and certainly once this body dies, I will no longer be bound to the ego that lives within its makeup. But for now, I am an ego-linked Human Being. And so the old saying Keep your friends close and your enemies closer is my guide around my ego these days. Not that it's my enemy, but that it is a difficult part of myself to witness since my humanity is so entangled with it.

I don't enjoy being in servitude to my ego - blindly allowing it to dictate my choices and behaviors. To shift this dynamic, I accept that it is a part of who I am, and as with my other "dark sides," I seek to find its gifts. One of those gifts is its knack for independence and uniqueness. My ego is what separates me from everyone and everything else here. It is the part of me that identifies with "I am" and allows me to honor my individuality as I interact with the world. Granted, the ego's version of "I am" is always attached to something, so it is always "I am this" or "I am that." Eckhart Tolle points out that this is because our egos live in a constant sense of lack that leads them to seek to have or be something all the time. And yet, there is no one on the whole planet exactly like me, and my ego not only knows this, but celebrates it! I am a unique contribution to and expression of the Divine. The question is: Who is this "I am," really?

And herein lies the paradox of being Human: "I am" is a false separation because I believe that at my core, I am pure essence and united with all else. The quantum sciences are showing this to be true - that every part of this life is nothing more than energy at its core. And with that energy comes mass, awareness and consciousness. When we take away our physical aspects and drop down deep into the root of be-ing, we find only energy, mass, awareness and the possibility of consciousness. This means that at the quantum level, we live in a energetic soup without a sense of separation yet with pure awareness and possibly even consciousness. Wow - try and wrap your mind around that one!

Yet for now, with my pure essence housed in this physical, sacred vessel, there is ego present. I can do my best to be aware of my ego; to stop over-identifying with it or allowing it to rule my choices and behaviors; to connect more deeply with my pure essence beyond ego, and to live my life from that place more than from my ego. Yet in the end, until I die and shed this body, I have an intimate relationship with my ego, even if I can't identify exactly what my ego is.

I believe that ego and mind are infinitely linked. Language is what links me to my ego; thoughts are the energy that feeds the ego. With language and thoughts come stories and judgements, desires and resistances, attractions and repulsions... dualities. Dualities are a construct of the mind and its language. The dualistic language and stories that my mind creates generate emotions in my body, and if I believe those stories (if I attach meaning to them), I fall into drama and suffering...That is why some - myself included - often refer to it as "Ego Mind" or "Parasite Mind." Eckhart Tolle calls it "the Pain Body." The constructs, stories and attachments of the ego are a mental part of Human be-ing linked to our suffering.

The "non-ego" part of who I am is the part of me that strives to live beyond the mind with its constructs, stories and attachments and in what some call Unity Consciousness - no separation. Non-ego be-ing is based more in the essence of who I am - my purity of be-ing beyond the mind. It's that divine or loving witness part of my Being that is timeless, changeless, deathless and, according to certain Buddhist traditions, primordially pure.The non-ego part of me is the part that is considered my true nature - the part of me that remains after the body dies. Some people call this our "Original Face." This part of be-ing is not limited by a sense of separation, but instead is connected to the whole of the infinite energetic field out of which it is believed we are all born.

In my forthcoming book about our mystical journeys, I describe it this way: "Energy is the common factor in all things. When we distill life down to its roots, it is all energy and space. Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, a Tibetan Bon Buddhist master, explains that 'everything begins with primordial space, the Great Mother from which all things arise, in which all things exist, and into which all things dissolve.' He goes on to say that within this infinite primordial space, energy moves. This energy, also called lung, prana, chi or qui, is pure, boundless and pervasive. No one knows what causes this movement or flow of energy to arise; it simply does. Inseparably bound with this energy is what Rinpoche describes as a 'primordial awareness, pure and without identity.' Energy and awareness exist together, resting neutrally within the infinite space of the Mystery until 'there is movement' and something arises out of the Void - something is born and an energetic pattern emerges."

To unite with this part of my Being or what I call my essential self - the pure essence of who I am - I must detach from my identification with the mind and its antics, and instead, identify with this essential self, even though I cannot completely separate the two while I'm living this Human life.  This is my greatest challenge: To reach toward a place of living in non-ego, I must go about the practice of "un-egoing" myself!

Non-ego be-ing has little to do with the mind and everything to do with the heart. Non-ego be-ing is about shifting my awareness away from identification with my thoughts and feelings, and into identification with my pure essence - that primordially pure part of my Being that is my Original Face. How? How do I do this? Well, this is the journey, isn't it? Life is - if we choose it to be - a process of un-egoing ourselves. The task as I've come to see it is not about purging my ego from my Being, but about befriending my ego within my Being. As a friend, the ego informs me of where my work is to move beyond my fears and into a greater sense of wholeness and love. It shows me where the obstacles to identifying with my Original Face are, so I can do practices to overcome them. Each time I find, heal and release one of those obstacles, I get clearer and clearer in my relationship to my Original Face.

Un-egoing myself means that as a friend, my ego becomes my ally rather than my enemy. I undo it's hidden hold of my thoughts, choices and behaviors, and step into a collaborative and supportive relationship with it instead of a power struggle. By undoing it's hold on me, I un-ego myself, giving my personal power back to my essential self rather than mistakenly giving it to my ego. Eventually, I might reach a time when I am living completely in non-ego. That's the dream though I'm not convinced it can be the reality 100% while I am a Human Being.

My latest challenge at un-egoing myself led me once again down the road to don Miguel Ruiz's four agreements, particularly don't make assumptions and don't take things personally. Yes, these old friends of mine resurfaced in a big way! I recently witnessed myself taking things personally from friends, colleagues and my sweetie, so I brought my attention fully to each experience to see what I could discover. And right there in full view I caught my mind taking their statements and making them about me, filling in gaps with assumptions and stories, wanting to be right, and then judging and criticizing myself for what it created. Oh, my ego is a stinky little devil...

Now, it's true that a creative and active mind can easily jump into assumptions about what these folks really meant by what they said - dissecting and adding to the words between the words that were spoken and making inferences about their true meaning about me. And an even slier mind can use spiritual lingo and concepts to prove its point. And still, these are only assumptions, inferences and stories. In the end, it doesn't matter what their meaning was. All that matters is that I am clear about my own dream and how I choose to live it. I have no control over the perceptions, preferences, needs, desires or repulsions of others. I only have choice around how I hold my own and how I respond to theirs.


 And so I move steadily onward in my journey to un-ego myself along this endless road to liberation. I've learned to keep a close eye on this sly friend, and to appreciate the ego's company for what it offers me: clarity and endless opportunity to clean my Being even more deeply than before.

The Heart of the Matter

Warm Heart 2008

Our hearts are so strong and yet so fragile around love.

We can open or close them. We can expose or protect them. We can risk or guard them. Yet most often we forget about them until something happens that either cracks them open or slams them closed. What is it about the heart that is so significant? So magnificent?

The heart is our gateway to our essence - the part of us that is boundless, infinite and unafraid. Through opening the heart fully we find completeness - a sense of purity, wholeness and unity with something much greater than our mentally-constructed selves. Beyond the realm of our projections, beyond the realm of our minds we find... mystery.

I call it "mystery" because we can't define it with our minds. It's a spaciousness that defies what the mind can grasp. It's not based in the past or the future. It rests in the expansiveness of the present moment which is infinite. It is only our minds that define the present moment as "finite time" in a limiting way when beyond our mental projections, there is no time, only presence.

Beyond the mind we find freedom. In the Toltec tradition, they describe the antics of our mind as "dreaming," or a mental projection, a concept or interpretation of our experiences that is not the experiences themselves. Thinking about our experiences is not the same as having them; thinking about them is a reflection of the experience, not the experience itself. Yet all too often we believe that our thoughts about our experiences are the truth when actually, they are only mental reflections of the truth.

Distortion & Reflection 1: Chicago 2008

This is what leads us to an over-identification with our minds. We believe that what the mind tells us is the truth, yet we forget that it is merely a reflection of the truth, which leaves room for personal projection and distortion. When we believe our minds, our thoughts, projections and distortions stimulate all kinds of drama and suffering in our lives, especially around matters of the heart.

Consider that having an emotion is a movement of energy through the body. The mind will enter and label the energy as something specific (e.g., pain, fear, sadness, anger, rage, joy...) and then judge whether the experience is OK or not - safe or not. When we attach labels of the mind to our experiences, we are left with stories about what's happening to us and at the deepest places within our being, our mind is assessing whether or not it's a threat to our survival so it can dictate what action to take next: fight, flight or freeze. It is also signaling the body to prepare for that action: our hormones, muscles, adrenalin, breath, etc. immediately respond to the signals of the mind.

Distortion & Reflection: Chicago 2008

The tricky part is that our physical bodies are geared to respond to the mind's signals, whether or not the mind's signals are accurate, relevant or true in the present moment. Remember that the mind is never operating in the present moment. It pulls up information from the past or projects information into the future based on the past, but it is never directly engaged with our present moment experiences.

Why? Because the mind does not directly experience anything. It gets information second-hand through our sensory and energy bodies and then interprets that information based on past experiences or future projections; but it does not directly experience anything. The mind's job is to interpret or reflect to the rest of the body what it believes is happening based on input from our sensory and energy bodies - what we see, hear, smell, taste, touch and perceive (energetically). The mind says "I recognize this sensation; it means blahblahblah and this is what we need to do next!"

Here's the problem: What the mind believes (based on history) may not apply in the present moment or the future, so it's signals limit our ability to act from the infinite field of possibilities that are available to us in each moment. This is important! By freeing ourselves from over-identifying with and believing in our mind's projections and stories about what it thinks is happening or going to happen, we open ourselves to the infinite and can move beyond old obstacles in our lives.

Over-identifying with the mind and turning our experiences into concepts and stories puts limitations on the vastness of what we truly are: the pure essence of mass, energy and consciousness. Many traditional spiritual practices are designed to create spaciousness between our mind and our pure essence so that we can become more of a witness to our mind's games rather than be driven by them. Meditative practices are a beautiful way to begin shifting away from over-identification with the mind and to build a trusting relationship with our pure essence.

Pathway to Mystery: Paris 2004

Connecting with and trusting in our pure essence is a pathway through the heart rather than the mind. When we build a stronger relationship with our pure essence, our hearts open and take rest into something much greater than what our minds can comprehend - something boundless, infinite and beyond the mind's reflections - the mystery of Being.

This is what makes our hearts both strong and fragile: in opening them to the mystery, we may feel vulnerable yet through this act we become stronger in our connection to our pure, infinite essence. It takes strength and courage to allow our hearts to open beyond the limitations and fears of the mind. And yet through that strength and courage - through opening ourselves to the mystery - we may experience what I can only describe as "pure love" (which is only a limited description and reflection of what is really an indescribable experience of what I feel to be pure love)...

Fickle Truth

INRI Paris. Copyright 2004.

I watched an amazing documentary last week called Fall From Grace about a well-known preacher man in Topeka, Kansas. He has a church but his family are the only ones who attend. From what I can tell, they believe they preach the word of God straight out of the Bible, and that God elected them to point out the sinning nature of our corrupt American society so that we can all have an opportunity to be saved.

They believe that their message - filled with hate, fear and threats - is affirmed and supported by God Himself because it's written right there in the pages of the Bible in black and white. Apparently the God they believe in condemns, punishes, judges, name-calls, shames, blames, threatens and even kills in the name of righteous indignation, and gives them permission to do the same. (As far as I know, they haven't directly killed anyone yet they strongly and openly support the death of those they condemn.)

This family - under the strong will and loud, demanding voice of their dad - view themselves as devout Christians following the Word and call of God. They believe it is their duty to preach God's truth to the people of this Nation, and apparently they are the only ones who really know what God's truth is, as written in the Bible and interpreted by their dad... as if God Himself hand-selected dear old dad for this hate-filled mission. In their view, the rest of us Americans - including other devout Christians and religious scholars - are blindly missing God's point and they are the only ones who get it...

So I wonder: What is God's Truth and how do we know it? And for that matter, with so many different Words of God out there, who has the right One? Who's interpretation is THE correct one?

I was raised Catholic with a Christian foundation.  I no longer practice Catholicism because I found it lacking. But through the Catholic tradition, I learned about ceremony, ritual and faith. I learned about Jesus and "God" and love. I still don't understand the many contradictions I recognize in the way Catholicism is generally taught and practiced yet I respect those who find peace there, just as I respect other teachings and traditions that folks believe in. Who am I to suppose that my beliefs are the only correct ones in the world or that my God is the only and right God?

I recognize that there are people in the world who feel with all their hearts that the beliefs they've spent a lifetime living by are the right ones. Yet which belief system, which tradition in the world is really "the right one?" Can there be only one right one? And how would we know it; how would we distinguish it from the others? They all have ancient texts and teachings that have been passed down through generations of change and translation. And with so many different cultures out there, why would there be only one way to honor and align with our Divine Source? If we believe that there is one supreme God and that we are all born of this God, is it true that all roads really do lead to this One God?

Black Cross. Copyright 2009. 

Today I describe myself as a deeply spiritual Being but not religious. I am just as passionate about my beliefs as others are about theirs. I have my own relationship with God - that Divine Source of all things - and I honor it by living a life filled with as much love as possible. This doesn't mean that I always succeed but it means that I do my best to let love lead my thoughts, beliefs and actions. 

Today my beliefs rest in the notion of an All-Loving, All-Knowing (Omniscient), All-Powerful (Omnipotent) and Infinite (Omnipresent) God. To me, condemnation, separation, punishment, judgement, slander, shame, blame, hate, fear and threats are not a part of such a God. The way I understand it, we are created in God's likeness and image, not the other way around. To impose the limitations of humanity on an All-Loving, Omniscient, Omnipotent and Omnipresent Being is merely human error-thinking based in limited ego-mind.  

Thinking about God is different from feeling into God. For when we think about  God, all we find is the limited perspective and fears of our own human ego-mind; yet when we feel into God, we find the perfection of pure love that resides in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, infinite presence.

My wish for today is that every Human Being feel their heart filled with the Grace of God as pure, divine love.

Heart Matters

For the past few weeks there's been a drama happening in a dear family I know. One of the women discovered that her husband had "cheated" on her. First I will say that when someone leaves "evidence" in a vulnerable place, maybe it's true that some part of them wanted it to be found, perhaps to end the sneaking, guilt, fear and discomfort that goes with being out of your own integrity and living a lie every day. Perhaps as a catalyst for something to change that was well past its time. Perhaps as a chicken's way out of admittance. Who can really say, but somehow, some way, these types of secrets always surface.

Once when I was going through a similar situation of feeling deeply betrayed by a partner, someone said to me "Well, isn't it better to know the truth?" My answer was "Yes" although I would have preferred that the truth had always been exposed rather than it slipping through a crack in the foundation to knock me off my feet after months of what felt like secrecy and lies by omission. When you have a heart agreement with someone, to find out that they disregarded it is deeply wounding. Everything you might initially feel toward them winds up being used against yourself: the disappointment, loathing, doubt, judgement, anger, hurt, blame, etc. It's a tangled up emotional mess.

As the story of this particular situation continues to unfold, more and more drama arises. Details are being uncovered that shine a bright light on the lies that have been told; emotions are blazing; gossip is stirring... This beautiful family has been flung head-first into an ocean of confusion, anger, hurt and fear. They are all in what I call high reaction.

There's a question of whether a lie detector test should be used on the husband. "Really? Why?" I asked. Their answer: Because she wants to know how many other lies there have been.

Huh. I had a lot of questions about this choice. What difference would a lie detector test make (especially with all the false readings they give)? She already knows he is capable of lying (we all are) and that he has lied to her on several occasions now. What will the lie detector test add? Does she want an exact count of the number of times he's lied? Does she want to know how recently he lied? Does she want to know just how big of a liar he is? Does she want to know just how false her idea of their marriage is? Does she want to be right? Is she looking for some kind of validation or justification?

But my biggest question is: Should we really trust the technology of a lie detector test above the truth of a human heart?


To me, the only question to ask now is "How willing is she to risk trusting him again?" Maybe that's what she's trying to decide based on just how big of a liar she finds him to be...

Then the conversation turned to the concept of love. The husband says he still loves his wife and that the "other" doesn't mean anything. Really? Then why did he do it (and more than once)? Why did he lie about it? Why didn't he speak to his wife about their marriage before things reached the point of betrayal? None of us can really answer these questions with any certainty. While it may be true that the human heart is a dynamic and mysterious part of our Being whose trappings we can't always predict, things like honesty, openness and integrity are things we choose. As it is possible to be swept up in the emotion or energy of a moment, isn't it just as possible not to be?

How much choice do we really have in love? And is love nothing more than what we make it?

Imagine...

https://mail.google.com/mail/?shva=1#inbox/12e1aba720d8708a

 IMAGINE...

That's all we have to do: IMAGINE.

A  knowing of divine truth.

A heart of One.

A life of presence.

A world of peace. 

A Being of love.