The Heart of the Matter

Warm Heart 2008

Our hearts are so strong and yet so fragile around love.

We can open or close them. We can expose or protect them. We can risk or guard them. Yet most often we forget about them until something happens that either cracks them open or slams them closed. What is it about the heart that is so significant? So magnificent?

The heart is our gateway to our essence - the part of us that is boundless, infinite and unafraid. Through opening the heart fully we find completeness - a sense of purity, wholeness and unity with something much greater than our mentally-constructed selves. Beyond the realm of our projections, beyond the realm of our minds we find... mystery.

I call it "mystery" because we can't define it with our minds. It's a spaciousness that defies what the mind can grasp. It's not based in the past or the future. It rests in the expansiveness of the present moment which is infinite. It is only our minds that define the present moment as "finite time" in a limiting way when beyond our mental projections, there is no time, only presence.

Beyond the mind we find freedom. In the Toltec tradition, they describe the antics of our mind as "dreaming," or a mental projection, a concept or interpretation of our experiences that is not the experiences themselves. Thinking about our experiences is not the same as having them; thinking about them is a reflection of the experience, not the experience itself. Yet all too often we believe that our thoughts about our experiences are the truth when actually, they are only mental reflections of the truth.

Distortion & Reflection 1: Chicago 2008

This is what leads us to an over-identification with our minds. We believe that what the mind tells us is the truth, yet we forget that it is merely a reflection of the truth, which leaves room for personal projection and distortion. When we believe our minds, our thoughts, projections and distortions stimulate all kinds of drama and suffering in our lives, especially around matters of the heart.

Consider that having an emotion is a movement of energy through the body. The mind will enter and label the energy as something specific (e.g., pain, fear, sadness, anger, rage, joy...) and then judge whether the experience is OK or not - safe or not. When we attach labels of the mind to our experiences, we are left with stories about what's happening to us and at the deepest places within our being, our mind is assessing whether or not it's a threat to our survival so it can dictate what action to take next: fight, flight or freeze. It is also signaling the body to prepare for that action: our hormones, muscles, adrenalin, breath, etc. immediately respond to the signals of the mind.

Distortion & Reflection: Chicago 2008

The tricky part is that our physical bodies are geared to respond to the mind's signals, whether or not the mind's signals are accurate, relevant or true in the present moment. Remember that the mind is never operating in the present moment. It pulls up information from the past or projects information into the future based on the past, but it is never directly engaged with our present moment experiences.

Why? Because the mind does not directly experience anything. It gets information second-hand through our sensory and energy bodies and then interprets that information based on past experiences or future projections; but it does not directly experience anything. The mind's job is to interpret or reflect to the rest of the body what it believes is happening based on input from our sensory and energy bodies - what we see, hear, smell, taste, touch and perceive (energetically). The mind says "I recognize this sensation; it means blahblahblah and this is what we need to do next!"

Here's the problem: What the mind believes (based on history) may not apply in the present moment or the future, so it's signals limit our ability to act from the infinite field of possibilities that are available to us in each moment. This is important! By freeing ourselves from over-identifying with and believing in our mind's projections and stories about what it thinks is happening or going to happen, we open ourselves to the infinite and can move beyond old obstacles in our lives.

Over-identifying with the mind and turning our experiences into concepts and stories puts limitations on the vastness of what we truly are: the pure essence of mass, energy and consciousness. Many traditional spiritual practices are designed to create spaciousness between our mind and our pure essence so that we can become more of a witness to our mind's games rather than be driven by them. Meditative practices are a beautiful way to begin shifting away from over-identification with the mind and to build a trusting relationship with our pure essence.

Pathway to Mystery: Paris 2004

Connecting with and trusting in our pure essence is a pathway through the heart rather than the mind. When we build a stronger relationship with our pure essence, our hearts open and take rest into something much greater than what our minds can comprehend - something boundless, infinite and beyond the mind's reflections - the mystery of Being.

This is what makes our hearts both strong and fragile: in opening them to the mystery, we may feel vulnerable yet through this act we become stronger in our connection to our pure, infinite essence. It takes strength and courage to allow our hearts to open beyond the limitations and fears of the mind. And yet through that strength and courage - through opening ourselves to the mystery - we may experience what I can only describe as "pure love" (which is only a limited description and reflection of what is really an indescribable experience of what I feel to be pure love)...

Surprise!!

Today I woke up early to see my sweetie off to a Saturday gig... I mean, early: 5 a.m.! That might not seem early to you, but it's early to my body, which is generally not ready to be up until there is a hint of sunrise outside.

Sometimes when I arise that early, I feel cranky and not quite awake. But today, I woke up feeling happy and full.  I saw my sweetie off and went back to bed to meditate and dream. I love dreaming just before sunrise because the content is rich and creative for me.

Maybe two hours or so later, I made my way into my meditation space. That's when I saw it: a beautiful surprise set up by my sweet Sweetie sometime outside of my awareness, which is a tricky thing to do because I spend the majority of my time in my office where my meditation space is, and I'm in and out of that space all day long until I go to sleep, generally.

But there it was - my Anniversary surprise: a vibrant yellow Marigold; a beautiful and sentimental card; a certificate acknowledging the day we met at a car wash; a red "Love" candle; a Chinese 6 Coin Hanger for abundance; and several of my favorite chocolates!

My heart burst open at the sight of all the love that was sneaked into my day...Oh - what a feeling it was! I cannot describe how such a simple yet deeply thought out gift touched me to the point of tears.

My sweetie got me; my sweetie got me really good with that surprise. My mind was not in the space of "anniversary" because we debated and ultimately agreed that our official anniversary would be what we both considered our first date: November 9th.

But we met on March 26th at a car wash. Yep, I was waiting for my car (which conveniently got "lost" in the back some place) and there we found ourselves sitting on a bench outside engrossed in conversation for an hour. My sweetie's car came out before mine even though I'd been there for some time before...

That's when I discovered that my car was "lost." When I asked about it, the college student girl with the drying towels in her hand said, "Oh - that blue Mazda back there is yours?? We were wondering who it belonged to!" Um, yes, that blue Mazda is mine. For some reason I'll never know, my Mazda wasn't driven up to the front like the rest of the cars. It had been sitting out back for over an hour, and I had been sitting at that car wash for two hours by that time, thoroughly enjoying the visit with my new sexy and sweet friend. I'm not sure who they thought that Mazda belonged to but it was parked out back, clean, dry and ready to go.

That "delay" gave me and my sweetie plenty of time to decide we kinda liked each other, and to make a date to reconnect in a month or so after I returned from some travels I had coming up. I like to believe that it was divine intervention so we could meet, but that's just the romantic in me...

So when I discovered this beautiful gift this morning, I was completely surprised. "Anniversary" was nowhere in my brain. Until I read the card, I had no idea what the surprise was for; and even then, I was a bit confused: "Anniversary? But we decided that was in November!" It was the perfect art of surprise.

I was reminded that love is simply that: a random expression that reaches out and unconditionally touches the heart of another, just to love. How blessed I feel to be the recipient....

I love love!!

A Pain-Filled Lesson

It's been an interesting couple of days following an injury on Saturday. I'm deepening into the spiritual teachings I've been practicing for a few years now around opening to pain, particularly those of Stephen Levine: "...resistance turns pain into suffering; soften and explore the constant state of change within the sensations; watch the unfolding of sensation as a process; when we begin to respond to discomfort instead of reacting to it, an enormous change occurs. We begin to experience it not as just 'our' pain but as 'the' pain. And it becomes accessible to a level of compassion perhaps previously unknown; (and we begin to experience) the personal in its universal aspect."

The practice I'm focused on now through the Awaken series on conscious living is to reprogram the body's response to pain, including and especially the reaction of the mind to pain. Most of us grow up learning to avoid pain. It starts very young when we hurt ourselves. If you watch small children fall on a playground, they generally show a short-lived reaction to pain until or unless the adults around them react. Then it becomes a big drama! But if they are not critically hurt and the adults either don't notice or respond calmly, kids express their pain with some startled sounds and then get up within seconds and keep playing.

Usually what happens in our growing up years is we get message after message from adults to avoid pain, that pain means something is wrong, and that pain is something to be scared about. These adults are well-intended; it's their job to care for and protect us. They are responsible for our welfare and survival. Yet what we carry into adulthood from these experiences is a belief that pain is bad.

Believing that pain is bad as adults, we avoid and resist pain, which means we close our energy body around it. But what if we could stay open through pain? What if we could simply experience it as fully as we allow ourselves to experience other sensations in life? What if pain was not something bad to be avoided, but just an intense sensation instead? How might that change our experiences of it?

That is my practice. It's a practice in moving beyond the mind to open the energy body no matter what the sensations. In the realm of dying and death (as we are exploring in the Awaken series), it is a way to reprogram the body and mind to respond openly to pain rather than closing around it, so that as we die we can experience peace no matter what. When we master this,  a level of separation develops between us and 'the pain' that offers spaciousness to find joy and peace despite the sensations that may be running through the body. Since none of us know what our dying or death experiences will be, this is a great practice to master! Ultimately, it allows us to create and hold a container of bliss through the transitions of the body.

I got to practice this yesterday. I can describe how much pain I was in by saying it was tremendous! I (carefully) taught two yoga classes and interacted with people all day who had little idea what my body was experiencing (though the shiner around my left eye gave them an indication that something was different). My goal was to open my energy body so large that the pain would simply be a tiny part of my day's experiences, and to create enough space around the pain that I could bring in and hold joy.

I succeeded, mostly. I was aware of my pain yet not ruled by it; I acknowledged it instead of resisting or ignoring it; and I consciously opened beyond it to bring in joy. The pain was there and so was everything else; it didn't dominate my experiences. I shed some tears last night over the pain that felt linked to old body memory and energy that was ready to be released; it felt good to release it. In the end, I experienced a day filled with healing, joy and love instead of just pain.

Today I remember what it feels like to be in chronic pain. I remember experiencing chronic pain for two years following a serious car wreck in my thirties. Back then, I fell into a deep depression. Pain was the focus of my life as I took steps to find healing for my body. Although not the most pleasant part of my history, the experience led to a dramatic life change that I consider an awakening for me. 

Today, my body aches from my neck down to my hips and I still have a pretty nice shiner beneath my left eye. I know what to do for my body when it's healing, so I'm doing those things. And yet I notice myself leaning into the comfort of knowing that this pain is temporary. I wonder: "How might this experience be different for me if this were not a temporary condition?" I cannot answer that question, yet I do contemplate it.

Sometimes accepting what is gives us the opportunity to experience it without any temporal boundaries, since we can't know when or how what is in the present moment will change. But things in the present moment are always changing; that's the nature of energy and everything here is rooted in energy. I find comfort in that. When I attune myself to the subtleties of the pain in my body today, I notice the shifting sensations. The pain is not a static experience; it is a dynamic one in my body. As I deepen into that awareness, my body relaxes and opens, my breath softens and slows, and I find spaciousness within my being to expand around the pain and beyond it.

I could choose to view this experience as nothing more than a painful, unfortunate accident. My choice instead is to view it as a brilliant opportunity to reprogram my body and mind's experience of and response to pain. It is an opportunity to move toward mastery of opening big enough that I can find the spaciousness within my being to experience inner peace and joy no matter what... even tremendous pain and (ultimately) in the face of whatever my own dying and death may bring. Tonight I teach two classes, and I will teach them filled with joy, love and pain.

Every experience we have in life is an opportunity to grow and open. Today I am reminded of what a gift that is and my heart is full and happy despite the pain. I think that is pretty amazing...

Life's Poetry

Life fills me with breath. My body expands... and then empties, collapsing. One beautiful breath. One spectacular moment. This is it; this is it... the only moment that counts. "Take it!" screams my heart.

And so I do.

"How? How do I take this moment and use it fully?" ... My mind wants to reason it's way through the moments of my life, yet I'm learning to soften my mind and enter my heart for direction instead. My heart has a guidance system of its own, but its system is not based on reason. Nope; it's based on something entirely different, something that can't be explained because it must be felt instead.

Inspiration; joy; love; compassion; equanimity: these are concepts, yes; and yet they reflect the vibrational fuel of a heart opened.

My heart yearns to be opened... more and more and more... to life, to each breath, to each moment as the blossoming of something grand and beautiful, even if perceived by the mind as painful or ugly to witness.

How does this work? How does one move beyond the mind's labels to witness what is with neutrality and beyond that, with inspiration, joy, love, compassion and equanimity?

My experiment of A Year To Love continues...

Sacred Intent for the New Year

We're four days into the new year and folks are all about new year's resolutions. Personally, I turned in my resolutions years ago for intentions. My dictionary says that resolution is "boldness and firmness of purpose" while intention is  "an aim or purpose." Call it semantics if you want, but it feels like a softer, gentler, more focused way to hold my energy for the year.

When we set intentions, we are putting things into motion on an energetic level. This is why it is so important to hold intentions in a sacred way. They are powerful acts of creation. When we set an intent, we are, in fact, creating a movement of energy in the infinite field of energy that we live in. We are asking for something new and specific to arise, and we are saying no to what no longer serves us. This is a sacred act not to be taken lightly. In taking such things lightly, we risk creating chaos in our lives.

This is a great time to take stock of our past resolutions or intentions, to choose again what we want to carry forward and what we want to let go of, and then to consciously cut from what we're leaving behind. Consciously cutting from what we no longer want in life is as important as choosing what we want. It frees up the energy we had invested in the old thing to feed the new thing we want today.

 We are allowed to change our minds and change our direction; things change all the time. To ignore the changes means we are not present with what is. We can drag all the old stuff forward if we want, but all it does is weigh us down, slow our movement and add confusion to our journey. Now is the perfect time to review our old intentions and revise them, updating them to the newest version of who we are.

The funny thing about intentions is that they are a two-part process: we have them, we hold them with 100% commitment and yet we surrender them at the same time. Well, we don't really surrender them; we surrender how we think they should look. Usually when we set an intent, our mind butts in and tells us how it should look when the intent is met - how we will know we've succeeded. But the reality is that our mind doesn't see past our nose, so the picture it gives us is very limited and limiting. The mind wants us to believe that what we want is impossible or unobtainable for whatever reasons it conjures up. If we let it, it can stop us in our tracks...

That's why it's important to let go of the image the mind creates as the measure of whether or not we've been successful in our intentions. It's about releasing attachment to the outcome and opening up to the infinite possibilities. The feeling state of what we want to achieve seeds the Universe with what we are asking for; it's the vibration that the Universe responds to. So we let go of the how ("How will this happen? How will this look? How is this possible?") and focus our energy on the what. What is it that we want to feel when we meet our intent?

This is a great year to open up to the infinite possibilities surrounding our intents and invite the Universe to be creative in supporting their expression in our lives. We must open the eyes of our hearts to see the possibilities most clearly. They may not look at all like our mind imagines them, but that doesn't mean they didn't show up. If we limit our view to that of our mind and to what it thinks things are supposed to look like or how they're supposed to happen, we might easily miss what it is when it actually shows up!

I am reminded of how powerful it is to celebrate each intent and hold gratitude for each step we make toward it. Even the ones we let go of and cut from are important markers along our journey. What we don't choose is just as significant as what we do choose. Each choice is an expression of our being; each thing we accept or reject is a reflection of who we are in this moment. Take nothing for granted.

It's easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves for not meeting our new year intentions. Be aware of this trap! Instead of judging yourself this year, take time to reflect on and decide if each intent you set is really what you want, and then celebrate your freedom to choose anew as you move your life forward.

Happy New Year, my friends. May you be inspired by the infinite possibilities of life.

Love and Ego

So, this is my year to really, really pull love into my being as the foundation of my interactions with the world around me. I'm keeping a close eye on it, as they say. I'm opening my awareness to all the places in my life where my heart closes and I separate myself from love.

In her book A Return To Love, Marianne Williamson says "Any situation that pushes our buttons is a situation where we don't yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving." Hmmmm - that's powerful food for thought! In the past week, I found two places where I shut myself down to love:

The first was around a phone call I received from an ex of mine. Having no active relationship with this person today, I had a reaction to the call that was inviting me to an art opening in which they had four new pieces. My ego got angry and said "What - I don't hear from you EVER and now you just call to invite me to see your new art? No 'Hey, how are you? What'cha been up to? etc...' Just 'Come see my new art!'" 

 Oh boy, did my ego want to run away with that one! I heard a resounding "F--- you!" in my head, and it surprised me. How strange it felt to hear my mind scream this out about someone that I love, because the truth is that I do love this person, despite years of separation and limited communication. When I explored what was beneath the "F--- you!" I found that the truth is I miss this person; I miss sharing life with them, connecting about what's going on in our lives, and there's a part of me that still grieves the loss of that closeness and my "importance" in their life. This is not about anger or hatred; it's love... It may not look like love on the surface expression of it, but it is love.

So my question became: "What keeps me from responding from my deeper truth of love rather than the surface reactions of anger, blame, resentment or whatever else?" The truth is, it's only my ego and my ego's attachment to things other than love that keep me from being able to open to love in all of its expressions. And the reality is that this ex who called to invite me to the art opening was inspired by love - love of the art pieces, of the inspiration to create them, of the show itself, and of me. It wasn't their closure, but mine that kept me from responding from a place of love in that situation.

The second place I shut myself down to love was with my partner during an interaction we had this weekend. When I was called on to listen, I jumped in and took the first opportunity to "speak my mind" instead. I didn't allow the space they needed to feel complete before I launched into my own perspective... which, when I'm radically honest with myself, was about some unconscious part of me that felt right and wanted to make my point so that my partner "would understand; would get it; would agree with me; blah blah blah...."

 Whew - that was hard to admit to myself and even harder to admit to my partner! But I did: I told myself first and then told them that it was not my intent to shut them down, that I would explore this more deeply within myself, work to be more aware of it, and that I loved them. In essence, I opened to love and was able to reconnect to myself from a place of self-love and acceptance, and then express myself from that place of honesty, which allowed me to reconnect to them. My closure was actually to myself because I felt guilty and ashamed for shutting them down (however unintentionally it was done...). It was only after shutting down to myself that I shut down to them. What a beautiful mirror for me to learn and grow from! 

 Today I sit on the other side of these discoveries, determined to shift the dynamics that led to them. And that is the beauty of this journey: endless opportunities to open my heart to love even more!

The Opening

 Ever have one of those days where everything just goes your way? The traffic lights turn green as you approach them; you see someone you've been meaning to call; you find the perfect parking spot; someone gifts you with something you've been wanting...? It's easy to hold love in my heart on those days.

But what about those other days when nothing seems to go your way? You're running late; the traffic lights go red as you approach; people are driving slow all around you; you miss important phone calls; you can't find a parking spot; you want something you can't afford...? What about on those days?

 Can I still hold love in my heart?

I'm finding myself practicing opening to everything around me - especially to the things that feel uncomfortable. I've done this type of practice before, but this time it feels different, deeper, more real.

To have a life here is a gift. To feel the things I can sense here is a gift: the warmth of the sun on my skin; the cool breeze; the beautiful sound of wind chimes; the touch of a friend; the wetness of a sip of water; the tickle of blowing hair; the gentle crunch of the grass beneath my feet; the weight of a blanket in bed...

These are all things I get to experience here, just because I am here. They are just a part of being here. Opening to these sensations is a joy; it brings tears to my eyes...

In balance with that are things like accidentally bending a fingernail back; stepping barefoot on a sharp sticker bur; the death of someone or something I love; burning my wrist on the oven; stubbing my toe; a distressing phone call; having a migraine; getting a paper cut... These are also incredible sensations, just not what the mind would label as pleasant ones. They can also bring tears to my eyes...

 Can I open to them too?

This is what I'm playing with more deeply: opening to all experiences and sensations... with love in my heart. Is it possible? Is it worth it? I believe that it is. It reminds me that everything is just a form of energy moving, some gently and some intensely... yet it is all just energy moving and expressing itself. I don't have to control or define any of it; I simply have to carry myself through it. I can do that in an open way or a closed way; I am choosing open this year.

This adventure is about deepening into the experience of carrying myself through life with an open heart to every bit of it...not only opening to what is, but loving what is. I don't know if I can, but this is the year to try!

Sounds of Silence

In my last blog I said I'd done two things that were different and I wrote about the first: not doing. The second thing I did yesterday that I've never done before was to go into silence. I've done a couple of silent retreats for several days at a time where everyone is in silence, but I've never done silence out in the world just for the heck of it.

When I got up the first time this morning at 5:30 a.m., I forgot my intent to be in silence... So I spoke a few words to my sweetie before I remembered, who was puzzled when I suddenly stopped responding verbally ("What happened to your voice?"). When I gave the "locked lips" signal, it was clear; we'd talked about it the night before ("Ah - you're doing the silence thing."). I thought it was funny that my voice was missed because usually I believe I talk way too much!

After my sweetie left for the day I had the house to myself. I committed to staying offline, not texting, not watching TV and not listening to music too. I did have to respond to a couple of calls, texts and emails that required attention but after that I closed those doors. When I headed to Austin that afternoon for a meeting and to assist with a Toltec class, I gave myself permission to break the silence if necessary within those contexts. But for socializing, silence. 

Two weeks ago I made myself a sign to wear around my neck that says "I am in silence" in anticipation of whenever I decided to do this practice. It worked really well today. People are funny when they read it; they think they can't talk to you either!

But that's not true; I can listen really well and not talk at all. In fact, I can listen better. It's just that when you don't respond to people, they don't know what to do; they are looking for something habitual that's not present in your silence. It's a fabulous game!


I rediscovered yesterday that being in silence deepens your relationship to the whole world. Everything seems brighter, louder, sharper, clearer, more vibrant and more intense. A deeper level of presence, intimacy and love emerges naturally - at least on the silent end.

By midday I was prepared to stay in silence for at least four days; by nightfall, I knew it would be longer - indefinite. Why? Because of what's already emerging through the silence. I like it; no, I love it. Silence brings a freshness to things that gets overshadowed by talking.

But for me it's not just sounds necessarily; it's words. Words seem to create an artificial limitation to sound, giving it a feeling of sharpness or a quality of cutting through space in a disturbing way. But other sounds did not have this affect on me. Whereas I felt startled by my own words when I accidentally spoke a few to my dog this morning, I was not at all startled by the sound of the door closing, the A/C blowing, the chair squeaking or the birds chirping. And although I felt startled by the voices at meetings today, I was not at all startled by the night sounds on my drive home - the crickets, cars and wind... Interesting. This is something I will bring awareness to in my extended silence.

More on that later...

Not Doing

Yesterday I did two unusual things - one that I haven't done since high school and another that I've never done. I chose to do them as part of the "winding down" phase of this A Year To Live process noting that I have just over two months left until my symbolic death.

First, I committed to spending my morning "not doing." The funny part of it was that I got up at 5:30 a.m. and did the usual morning things I do (like feed and water the pets, empty the A/C water bucket, put out mail, wash dishes, see my sweetie off, etc.) so that I could create the space to "not do." It was as if my mind said "OK; you can not do after you do these things! That will buy you some time!" How funny that is!

 But I guess it worked because by 6:30 a.m. I was back in bed determined to not do anything - not even meditate or sleep - for an unknown period of time... just lay there and not do. And that's what I did. I laid there and listened for a world on the move without me. My mind was sure I would hear it and feel frustrated. Only I didn't hear anything, which is extremely unusual; the world outside sounded and felt silent.

I spent the next block of space slipping in and out of dreaming though my mind did not retain any details of them. When I felt it was time for me to get up, I did; it was 10:30 a.m.! I had been laying there for four hours not doing... or at least not intentionally doing. I hadn't stayed in bed that long since high school!

What I noticed from this practice was how many things would not get done without me here to do them. Other people would be stuck doing them instead; or they simply would not get done. Even the tiniest of things like petting the cat or emptying the trash might not get done or at least not when they are usually done. Will that really matter when I'm not here? Or will these things be forgotten?

I noticed my mind asking "Where are the places that I will be missed?" and then trying to find them among the things that were tugging at me for doing. Ah - ego identity. That's something worth clearing before I die...

As to the second thing I did, check my next blog...

Altared States

 This morning I took the time to do some spiritual practices that I used to do daily, but have fallen out of the habit: 9 Breaths of Purification, Tsa Lung, Seed Syllables, Grand Circuit Breathing... It felt SO good! While doing the Grand Circuit Breathing, I reached that place of simple awareness, meaning that I dropped out of my physical being and slipped into a state of awareness that was beyond what I usually experience.

My mind popped forward and wanted to question it since it didn't take me long to get there. But this wasn't about my mind; it was about my energy and awareness, so I invited my mind to move to the background and be quiet... which it was willing to do for short periods of time. Each time it re-arose and wanted to be "scientific" and "inquisitive" and "blahblahblah-ing," I simply and lovingly sent it back to its space of silent observation; and I reassured it that I would take time to ponder the points it was stirring about later.

Now is the "later" I promised my mind, so here are my ponderings: That place I reached can best be described as emptiness and fullness at the same time. That's how it feels to me when I'm there - like I'm empty of everything and full of everything at the same time. There's no longing or desire or attachment to anything; there's just complete resting into what is. And what is feels like all and nothing at once. It's a sense of wholeness that is hard to put to words.

That sense of wholeness is what I had trouble connecting to in the experience I wrote about last week. I reminded myself that what I'm doing during this year to live - or at least part of what I'm doing - is preparing myself to die. What does that mean, exactly?

For me, there are at least three parts to this process:
1. Cleaning up my personal relationships - saying what I need to say to people so that I feel right and clear with them - so that there's no baggage there to leave behind.

2. Getting my life in order so that there's not a big mess for anyone to have to deal with when I die. My will and all my medical wishes are updated and in order. I've selected folks for specific jobs and they have agreed and signed off on the necessary legal papers for it. My partner and closest friends know my wishes and preferences surrounding what to do with my body and how to celebrate my transformation. And I've written a letter to my family and to those carrying out my wishes just to clarify what they are and to reassure everyone that these are indeed my wishes. Just to be certain, I had them notorized.

3. Most importantly, it means getting myself ready for the transformation. This year-long journey is founded in Stephen Levine's book A Year To Live. He does a beautiful job of giving practices to prepare the energy body for its departure out of the physical body, so that when the physical body dies (or stops functioning, completes its cycle...falls away), the energetic one can easily release into whatever is next. A big part of it seems to be getting the mind's  acceptance and cooperation around its powerlessness in this process. My belief is that when we die, the mind no longer functions as we know it in the physical sense, but our transcendent awareness does...or maybe that's my hope!

The state I reached today gives me hope that upon my physical death, I will surely be freed into the state of energy and awareness that so many enlightened beings speak of; that death of the physical will truly be birth of the Spirit; that release of the mind's fear is the pathway to true freedom; and that I will continue to exist yet not from ego, but from a purity of Energy, Awareness, and Love.

A moment of panic

Wow - I'm at an even 100 days left to live...

I had an interesting drive the other day while pondering my approaching death. I looked up into the sky and was touched by the beauty of the clouds, and in particular, an open spot that went through the clouds and seemed to go off into infinity.

Suddenly I became aware that my feelings had shifted from a place of beauty and openness to sadness.  

When I looked more deeply inside, I realized that the sadness was around the idea of no longer being here - of no longer being a part of all the physical beauty here. I was thrown backwards into an old question that used to plague my mind: "What happens after we die? Where will I go? Will I be aware of any of this? Connected to any of it? How sad that I won't be able to feel things the way I do now."

I tried to calm my emotions and my mind by connecting to that sense of Oneness, interconnectedness and bliss that I've touched beyond this physical life, yet I was unable to. I could not find the feeling state in my body; I could not remember it or connect with it in that moment. I tried recalling an experience when I felt it strongly, but I struggled to hold on to it. My mind panicked then, almost shouting at me: "Oh no! You can't remember! You've lost it! And what if it's all just a lie? What then? You'll be nothing! You won't be able to feel anything, do anything, experience any of this! What if it's nothingness after death? And just what IS nothingness??"

I haven't gotten stuck in such a state in years, so the feeling of it was uncomfortable. I held it, knowing that it might surely be possible; that such an ending might be true because I don't know what the truth is. And then I went back to holding open the possibility that it's more than that; that there is something after  death, but I just don't know what.

Then I was able to drop out of the panic I had generated and return to the present moment of enjoying the beautiful clouds and the sky. I thought about all the things I love in my life - the people, the places, the work I do, my home and pets, so many things about my life that I love these days - and I felt deeply for the first time in a while how empty I might feel without access to them in the physical way that I have now. And I wondered if I will miss them when I die as much as I imagine that I will while I'm alive...

Mind Games

This morning I took my dog for a walk. On the way home while stopped at a light, I had an interesting impulse: "Use the visor to block the sun..." I heard my mind say, and my hand went habitually to pull the visor over to the window. But a half-instant later I realized that this mental impulse was contrary to what I felt, which was to turn my face to the sun and enjoy its warmth on my skin. So I returned the visor to its storage place, closed my eyes and turned my face to the sun, smiling as I took in its beautiful light and warmth.

"How many times a day," I thought, "do mental impulses like this one lead me to do things that I don't really want to do? Out of habit? Or unconsciousness? Or from a lack of presence?" This one small incident of "catching my mind in the act" raised a whole new level of awareness for me.

Sometimes I call that kind of mental rambling "a runaway train." I've learned that if I focus on even one of those thoughts - one of those cars on that train - my thoughts go running away along the rest of the train until I am so far down the tracks from the present moment that I miss it completely.

The trick, I've learned, is not to follow even one of those cars beyond its usefulness. It might be helpful for me to attend to the thought, "Did I turn off the hose?" but it's not useful for me to then go running through every car on that train: "If I didn't, the water bill is going to be SO high! I can't believe I didn't turn off the hose. I can't believe that I forgot again! No - maybe I DID turn off the hose... did I? I can't remember. Maybe I should run home and check after I finish this? It's so hot; what a waste of water! We're trying so hard to conserve and then I leave the hose on again! Stupid me! Maybe I could call someone to check it for me...." and on and on and on.

Not only does the mind take off down the train tracks, but it judges me in the process, making me feel doubly bad. It doesn't say "Well, if the hose IS on, the grass and trees are getting a good soak!" No, it creates a disaster. And the humor is that I probably did turn off the hose! And even if I didn't, it's not the end of the world, but that's what the mind wants me to believe. It goes into what some folks call "disaster mind" and makes a huge deal out of a silly little thing like maybe leaving the hose on.

Today I was gently reminded of the games my mind plays so habitually at times that it's easy for me to miss, opening the door for disaster mind and a lack of presence. I caught it this morning; I'm happy for that. I've been practicing feeling my way through the world rather than thinking it so much. Today I got a clear view of the difference between the two, and I'm definitely more interested in the feeling of it...

Counting my way down to "my final hour" is bringing much more of this type of presence into my life. I am grateful for that. I have 109 days left to live now; I really want to be present for all of them...