Sacred Spaciousness

It's been a week since my sweet dog Maia died. I'm doing my best to carry on in her absence. There is a noticeable void in my world without her, an emptiness that can't be filled with just anything. The spaciousness that her death created feels sacred to me, like a holding tank of all the love and memories we shared. I don't want to fill it with anything else right now; I just want to feel the beauty of it.

I'm aware that her sudden death was just another one of her loving gifts to me. It's as if she said "It's time for me to go. It is not my intent or my purpose to burden you with slowly declining health, incontinence or neediness. It was my job to support you through some rough times, help you heal your heart and get you to the place where you could shine again. I've done that; my job with you is complete. And so I can go now so that you can go now too. My presence in your life was not about draining your energy; it was about helping you shine. So shine on..."

I sometimes wonder about some of the things she heard me talking about: "We can get her some doggy diapers and I can just take them off when she goes outside. It'll just mean that I won't sleep as much and she'll take more of my time and energy. I'll check on what other things we can do to deal with it. I'll feed her the vegetarian food she likes and give her the more expensive meat in between meals for a snack so it won't cost as much. She loves that meat! I'll make time to walk her every day. No, I don't want another dog; I love Maia but she has pushed me to my limits; I'm full-up..."

Sometimes I feel bad about these things. Did she take them to heart? Did she knowingly and lovingly spare me all the added stress by dying so suddenly? Was she ready to go or was she serving me yet again through even her death? I wonder...

I may never know for certain, yet I do feel that her death was a necessary part of what's next in my life. It's as if I couldn't take my next step forward and deal with her in the ways I wanted to. It would have created too much stress for us both. Wherever my life path is taking me, she couldn't go with me; that much feels clear.

I miss her every day and every night. I know the missing will soften, yet it's with me strongly now. I hear her noises all the time; I feel her presence. I mistakenly believe - just for a second - that she'll be in all her usual spots at the house as I move about it. I yearn for the touch of her soft fur and cold nose, and the way she pawed at me for attention. Oh what I'd give to feel that paw brushing against my leg now!

I miss looking into her eyes. It sounds like a lover, I know, but it's true! Her eyes were incredibly expressive with a depth and a sweetness to them that held sensitivity, compassion and raging love. They were forgiving, accepting, willing and allowing... What an incredible teacher she was; everything I strive to be as a person in this world was held and reflected in her eyes. She was a gift and a teacher. And I am truly blessed to have held such a gift and known such a teacher.

I've realized that she is the first death to me that was such an intimate part of my life. My grief around her death is more profound than it has been for other beloveds in my life who have died. But I've learned that my reaction to death has little to do with how long I've known someone or even how much I've loved them; it has to do with the nature of my relationship to them. The nature of my relationship to my dog Maia was deep, honest and unconditional. She was a big part of my daily life, and held a large part of my attention and energy. The void left in her absence is unmistakable. She is the first death I've experienced of this nature. I guess I can consider myself fortunate for that...

As I make my way through my grief at her death, I find myself feeling quiet, emotional, vulnerable and maybe even a bit empty outside of my typical busyness. I enjoy what I do but I enjoy the quiet of night even more now than before, so I can sit in the spaciousness of her love and memories, and honor the amazing beauty of the gift and the teacher she was to me, the extent of which are just barely beginning to sink in...

May my life become a more clear reflection of all the beauty she brought into it.

Surprise!!

Today I woke up early to see my sweetie off to a Saturday gig... I mean, early: 5 a.m.! That might not seem early to you, but it's early to my body, which is generally not ready to be up until there is a hint of sunrise outside.

Sometimes when I arise that early, I feel cranky and not quite awake. But today, I woke up feeling happy and full.  I saw my sweetie off and went back to bed to meditate and dream. I love dreaming just before sunrise because the content is rich and creative for me.

Maybe two hours or so later, I made my way into my meditation space. That's when I saw it: a beautiful surprise set up by my sweet Sweetie sometime outside of my awareness, which is a tricky thing to do because I spend the majority of my time in my office where my meditation space is, and I'm in and out of that space all day long until I go to sleep, generally.

But there it was - my Anniversary surprise: a vibrant yellow Marigold; a beautiful and sentimental card; a certificate acknowledging the day we met at a car wash; a red "Love" candle; a Chinese 6 Coin Hanger for abundance; and several of my favorite chocolates!

My heart burst open at the sight of all the love that was sneaked into my day...Oh - what a feeling it was! I cannot describe how such a simple yet deeply thought out gift touched me to the point of tears.

My sweetie got me; my sweetie got me really good with that surprise. My mind was not in the space of "anniversary" because we debated and ultimately agreed that our official anniversary would be what we both considered our first date: November 9th.

But we met on March 26th at a car wash. Yep, I was waiting for my car (which conveniently got "lost" in the back some place) and there we found ourselves sitting on a bench outside engrossed in conversation for an hour. My sweetie's car came out before mine even though I'd been there for some time before...

That's when I discovered that my car was "lost." When I asked about it, the college student girl with the drying towels in her hand said, "Oh - that blue Mazda back there is yours?? We were wondering who it belonged to!" Um, yes, that blue Mazda is mine. For some reason I'll never know, my Mazda wasn't driven up to the front like the rest of the cars. It had been sitting out back for over an hour, and I had been sitting at that car wash for two hours by that time, thoroughly enjoying the visit with my new sexy and sweet friend. I'm not sure who they thought that Mazda belonged to but it was parked out back, clean, dry and ready to go.

That "delay" gave me and my sweetie plenty of time to decide we kinda liked each other, and to make a date to reconnect in a month or so after I returned from some travels I had coming up. I like to believe that it was divine intervention so we could meet, but that's just the romantic in me...

So when I discovered this beautiful gift this morning, I was completely surprised. "Anniversary" was nowhere in my brain. Until I read the card, I had no idea what the surprise was for; and even then, I was a bit confused: "Anniversary? But we decided that was in November!" It was the perfect art of surprise.

I was reminded that love is simply that: a random expression that reaches out and unconditionally touches the heart of another, just to love. How blessed I feel to be the recipient....

I love love!!

Countdown

There are so many thoughts and sensations moving through my body these days as I approach the end of my "A Year To Live" adventure. Changing the death countdown from 10 to 9 today felt a bit like hitting the big red button for a shuttle lift-off. I could hear my own voice in my head saying with passion and maybe even excitement and a bit of anxiety: "Ten! Nine!..."

Last night I returned to my favorite labyrinth to walk it beneath the big bright moon. The sky was virtually clear all day and night until about 5 minutes before I walked when a thin cloud bank moved over it. It was interesting to see and feel the difference in the energy of this walk compared to the last. The last moon was bright and vibrant with energy and the contrast between the light and shadows was stark. This time, the moon was veiled and the light-shadow contrast was barely noticeable. The energy and the light was gentle and soft.

I felt my body relating to that shift. As I approach the end of this year, my own energy feels more gentle and soft. There is an urge to slow down, rest into what's here, and stop all the business so I can drop more deeply into connection with it all. It's an interesting contrast between the ending and a beginning. I feel the ending of this year approaching; I also feel the possibility of birth, newness and freshness on the other side of it. There's a sense of spaciousness hovering just beyond the surrender...

Yesterday a client struggled with whether or not her presence in life was helping or hurting the world; she questioned her own purpose for being here. I heard myself say: "There's no greater purpose or service to the Divine than raising our own vibration." This is a truth that I have come to hold. We spend so much time in our lives questioning our choices, our reasons for being here, our purpose. The answer is in the process of questioning...

What I believe is that we don't have to do anything special to make our journey here meaningful or purposeful; all we have to do is question. The questioning guides us to raise our own vibration. That is living a purposeful life.

Every day my question is: "How I can be of service today?" The rest of my day is spent paying attention to that - to what arises within that frame. It's a very simple question with no specific answer. And it unfolds in powerful and mysterious ways.

As I approach this death, I'm still asking that question every day: "How can I be of service today?" Maybe I already have...just by the asking.

Priscilla & The Way

Meet "Priscilla." Priscilla is a beautiful garden spider that set up house on the back  of my office wall outside. She has been there (to my noticing) for about a month. When I first saw her, she was big and vibrant, sitting in the center of a large, intricate web design. When I introduced myself to her, she shared that her name was "Priscilla," adding quite clearly that she was in no way prissy.

Beneath the roof above her was a large round egg sack. A few days later, a second egg sack appeared. I figure she must be pretty stout to create not one but two egg sacks... Priscilla stayed just below the sacks for weeks, diligently rebuilding her web whenever it got damaged. Then about a week ago she relocated herself around the corner of the building, leaving her egg sacks well sheltered and protected.

This week, I watched her slowly fade. Her body went from full and vibrant to shriveled, dull, and dark. Knowing that she was dying, I spoke to her daily, reassuring her that her egg sacks were healthy and safe, and that I would make sure they survived until birth.

Yesterday when I visited Priscilla, she looked and felt very weak in her web. An hour later, she abandoned her web for a single thread which she hoisted herself up onto. She clung there, weakly, for maybe half an hour until she dropped to the ground, nearly lifeless. I took the liberty of picking her up, showing her the safe, healthy egg sacks one last time, and placing her among flowers and greenery in my garden beneath my office window for her final rest.

Priscilla reminded me of the beauty and power of The Way. All things arise from the infinite field of energy, exist for a period of time, and then dissolve away again, having left something behind for those remaining. Although we grieve the surrendering, it is a gift and an integral part of the cycle of all things. Without the shedding of what's served it's purpose and expired, there would be no space or nourishment for the new to arise.

I am reminded of my own tiny deaths each day - the parts of me that I surrender for new parts to be born. From Priscilla's death will come hundreds of baby spiders! I am watching anxiously and excitedly for them to appear from their healthy egg sacks, and am wondering with as much excitement about what will arise in my own life from my upcoming death.

For in just 11 days, another cycle of my life will unfold: I will die and be reborn, free of what no longer serves my highest good and my ability to be of service to the Divine. This is the end of a conscious year of living and life - the end of my A Year To Live adventure. What is beyond it, I don't  know. That's the mystery of the other side: we don't know until we're there.

If you want to take a peek to the other side, consider joining me for a fun and full Dia de los Muertos workshop (http://www.myinnerscapes.com/workshops/) on November 29th, perfectly timed when the veils are thinnest. Learn about the special energy of Day of the Dead, glimpse into the other realm through a psychic medium, make objects for your own altar, and leave with a fun goodies bag to get you in the spirit.

Death is not our enemy but our ally. Celebrate The Way!

This is my life... for 20 more days

Wow - just 20 days left! Suddenly a part of me panics at the thought..."OK. You have 20 days left. What are you going to do with them? 20 days isn't very long..."

Of course the truth is that although I have 20 days left to live in this A Year To Live experiment, I may really only have a few minutes or hours.... The Angel of Death can tap on our shoulder at any moment of any day. That is the truth. So why am I worrying about 20 days?

There's a part of me that would have loved to go to Italy, France, Holland, Spain and all those other places before I died. And there's the part of me that has been completely full and happy just being right here, living my life and loving the people and things that are a part of it.

This weekend I went to the Texas Renaissance Fest with my sweetie and a couple of friends. I walked into the fest dressed in jeans and a t-shirt but walked out dressed in a gypsy outfit complete with a jingle-jangly belt around my waist. Oh boy, did we have a blast! We danced and laughed and flirted and ate strange food and got henna tattoos and saw all kinds of great things happening around us. It occurred to me while we were there that it would be my last fest in this year to live, and who knows... maybe ever. So I played hard and felt free.

This is my life: filled with service work that I love; a sacred partnership that fills me with such sweetness; friendships that are true, intimate and playful; and a heart filled with joy at all of it. I look at my life and it makes me happy to see what I've created. It didn't always feel this great, but it does now...

If the Angel of Death tapped on my shoulder right now, I would leave this life feeling full and happy in my heart. So don't be too sad to see me go; celebrate the gifts that life offers in every moment and claim them in their fullest expression for yourself.

Moon Walk

Thursday night I walked my favorite labyrinth under the full moon. I've been visiting this particular labyrinth for maybe 12 years. The stones it is made up of are white and they glow in the moonlight, giving a magical feel to the place and space, especially on a clear full moon night.

As I enter my last month to live on this "A Year To Live" adventure, things are becoming extra poignant. Walking around the labyrinth between the darkened shadows cast by oak trees and the clear white light cast by Grandmother Moon, I experienced in a very concrete way how light exists within shadows and shadows exist within light. There is no separation; the two exist among each other in a beautiful balance of light and dark. Without both, who would really know either one?

I think my experience with this balance was in answer to an intent I sent out to Grandmother Moon before walking the labyrinth: "I ask for your support in releasing any and all attachment or resistance I have to the suffering of myself or anyone and anything else." While dancing among the light and the shadows cast by the trees and the moon, I realized - I felt - that it is all a perfect balance of energies and that both are necessary; both are a part of life and living. Without both, there would be no wholeness or balance.

Following the path to the center, there were moments when my shadow was cast directly in front of me - just like a person - a body double. I connected with this shadowy body double of me and held her as the residue of me that will remain in this physical plane after I'm dead. There she was, a mere shadow of what used to be me; a footprint; a reflection of my energy; neutral space where I once was; someone's fading memories. "How long will she remain?" I wondered, "How long will I be remembered and in what ways?"

I got to thinking about who I am, really. "Am I me or is that shadow the real me? Who is the me that people will remember? Who do I want them to remember and why? What am I leaving behind in my wake?" In one generation or less, any memory of me can be completely erased, my life here dissolved. Every adventure, every experience, every breath completely erased - my existence here forgotten, irrelevant history...

What I realized is that this journey is not about bringing all the things in my life to completion before I die - all the relationships, projects, paper work, teachings, etc. It is about bringing ME to completion before I die. "How much of what keeps me separate from love and divinity can I surrender and release before I die? Because what's left is the real me."

Yes: How much?

Not Doing

Yesterday I did two unusual things - one that I haven't done since high school and another that I've never done. I chose to do them as part of the "winding down" phase of this A Year To Live process noting that I have just over two months left until my symbolic death.

First, I committed to spending my morning "not doing." The funny part of it was that I got up at 5:30 a.m. and did the usual morning things I do (like feed and water the pets, empty the A/C water bucket, put out mail, wash dishes, see my sweetie off, etc.) so that I could create the space to "not do." It was as if my mind said "OK; you can not do after you do these things! That will buy you some time!" How funny that is!

 But I guess it worked because by 6:30 a.m. I was back in bed determined to not do anything - not even meditate or sleep - for an unknown period of time... just lay there and not do. And that's what I did. I laid there and listened for a world on the move without me. My mind was sure I would hear it and feel frustrated. Only I didn't hear anything, which is extremely unusual; the world outside sounded and felt silent.

I spent the next block of space slipping in and out of dreaming though my mind did not retain any details of them. When I felt it was time for me to get up, I did; it was 10:30 a.m.! I had been laying there for four hours not doing... or at least not intentionally doing. I hadn't stayed in bed that long since high school!

What I noticed from this practice was how many things would not get done without me here to do them. Other people would be stuck doing them instead; or they simply would not get done. Even the tiniest of things like petting the cat or emptying the trash might not get done or at least not when they are usually done. Will that really matter when I'm not here? Or will these things be forgotten?

I noticed my mind asking "Where are the places that I will be missed?" and then trying to find them among the things that were tugging at me for doing. Ah - ego identity. That's something worth clearing before I die...

As to the second thing I did, check my next blog...

Fawn Wisdom

I've learned that I really, really love watching the baby fawns grow up this season. They are playful and present, aware and willing, brave and respectful. Who would have thought that such tiny little spotted beings could hold so much wisdom??

They hide in our bamboo forest when it rains, generally not showing themselves until it drops to a very soft drizzle or stops altogether. Their hair gets frizzy after a rain, just like mine!

They grow up pretty fast. I'm watching how they adapt to the noise and activity around them. For the newborns: at first they are curious and open; then, lots of glances to the adults for cues; then, uncertainty and caution that ultimately shifts into a scamper for the safety of their Momma's underbelly or the cover of brush.

 

 As they get a bit older, maybe 2 weeks, they hang with the uncertainty a bit longer and generally wait for the adults to make a move before they follow. Yet when they do follow, it's with complete dedication and vigor. Once they are about a month old, they are right in there with all the adults; no hesitation, just trusting their own signals.

They have nothing to fear in life; they simply indulge in it fully, moment by moment, in whatever manner is called for, unattached to stories about what things might mean. I am learning to embrace myself in a whole new way through these babies.

They touch me with their delicacy and gentleness. They entertain me with their playfulness and innocence. They teach me with their grace and wisdom. They surprise me with their courage and strength. They move me with their spirit and precision.

It's amazing to witness how complete they are at each phase of their development. They have everything they need inside; they just have to access it and then follow it. They are born beautiful, powerful, wise, and whole, reminding me that I was, too; I just have to remember...that I am.

Today is a great day to live!

Huh - interesting: As I changed the count on my "Days Ahead" this morning, I found myself adding 8 days! What happened? I've been changing the count every day this week, one day at a time. How did I rob myself of 9 days yesterday? Or, how did I manifest 8 days today??

I don't know, but I'll take them :)

Things are shifting quickly and I'm doing my best to stay with it and follow what arises each day. Today I spotted the twin fawns in our front yard sleeping near their Mom in the wee morning hours. It felt good to feel them there, trusting and resting into the predawn calm.

And today I submitted a job application for a full-time 9 to 5 job. Wow - I haven't had one of those in years! The job sounds compelling though busy, and the pay is good. It could help stabilize some financial goals in my life, what's left of it anyway.

And today I prepared a package of information to take to one of my health care providers who requested a copy of my book - AD/HD Generation: Holistic Ways to Support Children - for their reception area. I signed the book and got bookmarks and business cards ready to send with it. It's an office that works with women and families, so parents are always sitting in the waiting room before appointments. I love the idea of them scanning through my book as they wait!

And today I'm finalizing materials for the Kundalini Yoga workshops I'm offering with the Texas Yoga Retreat at Barsana Dham this weekend. It's going to be amazing; I can already feel the energy of the space and the people. My body is completely tuned in to the energy of what I'm offering and it is (I am)  ready to go!

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for everything that Spirit is asking me to express in the world in support of our healing and expansion. And today, I have 128 more days to live!

Flourish

In the wave of Spring energy and the growing light of day from Beltane, I make space to step outside and enjoy the gorgeous weather. On Sunday - Beltane - I participated in a day-long workshop for women about honoring and feeding energy to the things in our lives that we are birthing. Spring and in particular, Beltane are all about birth, fertility, the Earth, abundance, planting and blossoming, sexuality, and the balance between the energies of the Earth/Feminine and the Sky/Masculine within our beings, in alignment with the balanced need for both female and male energies in creating life in general.

In preparing for the very sacred day to begin, we were invited to find a word or a phrase that held the energy of what we were wanting to grow in our lives. Instantly, the word that arose in my mind was "Flourish." What a perfect word for my day, considering that I am smack-dab in the middle of "growing" several things: my books, my yoga classes, my workshop offerings, and my personal support/life coaching practice.

Over the course of the day, we entered into deep relationship with each the Elements to find support around our intent. Every time I met one of the Elements, I asked "What can you offer around my intent to flourish?" and without pause, each shared a beautiful gift. By the end of the day, I had some wonderful wisdom to rest into and contemplate around my intent.

In the shadow of having a mere 178 days left to live, I sit with my intentions and my life dreams for these remaining days. And I find myself asking: "Is THIS what I REALLY want to be doing, or W'OULD do if I really only had 6 more months to live?? And then another powerful question arose: "WHY CHANGE ANYTHING?" In that statement lies the key to this whole adventure: This is the opportunity to move toward death - or more precisely, to move through life - with consciousness rather than pretending that I have all the time in the world to do whatever... This is the opportunity to create the best dream of life that I can! "Is that what I'm doing? Am I succeeding?" Most of me says, "YES!" and yet, an additional question arises: "How can I reach a place of feeling completely complete with what IS - no matter what stage of evolution it's in - when I die?? 

 As I write that, I ask myself: "What needs to happen for me to feel complete with the things I'm creating right now? What IS 'complete' and what does that mean, really? And is THAT the goal here - to feel 'complete?' Or what IS the goal - MY goal - before I die??"

Hmmmmmm.

Wild Onions & Fire Walks

Last night, the Toltec Center of Creative Intent offered a public fire walk in Austin. I didn't go because I spent my day having my own private fire walk at home....

You see, there's this BIG patch of wild onions growing in my backyard and in the past few years, they've begun to take over. They started to pop up everywhere. Have you ever tried to pick one? Their roots and onion bulbs rest 5-8 inches below the surface of the ground, while their stems and leaves sprout up to heights of 12+ inches above the ground. They are a challenge to retrieve, especially without leaving one of the "baby bulbs" behind to reproduce with wild abandon. Their roots cling to the soil like a leech on the skin. Their stems are hearty, yet their roots are even heartier; so when you tug on what seems to be a thick, solid stem, it breaks off at the bulb, out-muscled by the strength of the roots. Hmmm... a nice survival trick of nature.

So, I didn't arise yesterday morning with any desire or plan to pull up all those wild onions; I wanted to spend the day writing. Here's what happened: One moment I was sitting at the kitchen table, warm and dry, enjoying the birds and a hot cup of coffee; the next moment I found myself outside in the soft, cool rain, dressed in my "dirty jobs" garb, wheelbarrow and tools by my side, contemplating the wild onions. It was like my life movie skipped a frame or two, or fast-forwarded itself. What a strange sensation...just like a fire walk: You don't think about what's happening, you feel it instead; you feel the movement, and you go!

Anyway, I started with the smaller, rogue patches of wild onions scattered about the yard (and a few easy-to-retrieve bullnettle weeds) with our new handy-dandy weed-remover tool-thingy. I wanted to feel some success and gain some confidence before tackling the BIG onion patch. The tool worked great on the bullnettle; it didn't TOUCH the onions.

"Hmmm. Now what? I know: try the hand shovel." OK - that worked great on the smaller onions; not so great on the larger ones. In fact, about 25 minutes later, I broke the handle off the hand shovel trying to prey one of the onion's roots out of the ground. "Damn. That's no good." I stopped, took a breath, and contemplated my task again. "Damn, that's a lot of onions! This could take all day. I'm not sure I have the stamina to get it all done. What am I missing here? What needs to happen next?" And so, my own personal fire walk began.

I clarified my intent: "I want to get these wild onions out of the yard. I want it to be as easy as possible. I want to finish the job today. I want to surprise my sweetie."

I asked: "What needs to happen next?" and then I felt into that question with my heart rather than thinking into it with my mind. "Ah - I need the wild onions to cooperate. How do I get their cooperation?"

I came up with a plan: "I know! I'll have a little talk with them. I'll tell them that this is not their ending; it's just a relocation and a transformation. I'll use them as compost for the veggie garden I want to build this fall. I'll let them know that they have little purpose where they are, and that I am creating a new, higher purpose for them as food for the new garden (just like I will be one day - my body returning to the garden of the Earth). I'll let them know that their whole family must relocate together." Then, I set up the tarp where they would rest until it was time to build the garden beneath it.

And so I began (or continued) the job. Every time I stuck my (now large, narrow-bladed, nearly tall as me) shovel into the dirt around one of the wild onion bunches, I said aloud with excitement and passion in my heart: "Food for the new garden!" I thanked the compliant ones with love, and I talked encouragingly to the resistant ones, lovingly and (as it got later, somewhat pleadingly) asking for their compliance too. I reminded them (and myself) that this was not an ending, but a transformation, and that it would be easier if they just surrendered to it. I offered that I, too, would go through my own transformation one day.

It worked! Five labor-filled hours later, the wild onions were all resting in their new home on the tarp, preparing for their new job, and marking the spot of the new veggie garden. My heart was happy and full at the thought of my success, the planned veggie garden, the open yard space, and my sweetie's surprise later.

Reflecting on my "dirty job" morning, I realized that I had just completed my own personal fire walk: I saw the task before me; I felt the block; I set my intent; I stepped into my heart; I listened; I held my intent fully in my being; I acted.... Beautiful! The job pushed me to my edge for certain, and physically, a bit beyond my edge. But the wild onions tamed themselves when I opened my heart in collaboration rather than defiance. It was a great lesson and a wonderful experience, well worth the shovel-stomping bruises on the bottoms of my feet that remind me of how good it feels to successfully "walk through the fire."

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Time's a Ticking

I'm still feeling a bit "snotty in the head" today, but my energy is returning. I taught all my yoga classes this week, despite not feeling my best and having a minor surgery Tuesday afternoon. The doc said the stitches on my back are somewhat fragile, so ordered me off of yoga and exercise for two weeks until they come out. "What?? I just got back into the habit and my body is enjoying it again! I'm not stopping for two whole weeks. Nope. You say what you want doc, but I'm not listening..." Of course, I didn't say that with my outloud voice...

And, it was only partly true. I listened enough, and have made my choices with awareness. Doctors can be so black-and-white... Needless to say, neither my yoga classes nor my exercise time missed me.

Tonight, I go to Austin to offer what I can to the Toltec talk HeatherAsh is giving at Marigold. I've already done more today than many days, having made time to do my energy practices this morning, answer emails, clean up bookkeeping records, write a blog for my website, deal with book marketing issues, actually eat a real breakfast, and now writing this blog before grabbing a quick snack and taking my dog for a walk so I can shower and head out soon to run a few errands before going to Austin.

Time's a ticking and I don't have all day; in fact, I don't have all year, either! Go baby, go!

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

A little love

Last Thursday afternoon, I felt a cold enter my body and settle in my head just enough for me to notice its presence. It was subtle, as if it was trying to sneak up on me. I began some offensive maneuvering, but it  took hold of me anyway by Friday afternoon. I spent the weekend feeling spacey and tired from the cold that filled my nose and brain with snot. I was pretty useless all weekend, bored with TV yet not having the energy to do much else but stare at it.

There were moments when I thought, "Great. I'm wasting two whole days because of this cold! I should get up and do something anyway." Yet, I didn't have the energy, so I didn't really do anything but lay around and eat every once in a while. I felt my body tighten at the lack of motion. I'd get up and stretch and move every so often; and then I'd slide back down onto the couch again with a big sigh and drift into the dullness of TV. But I was aware that I really couldn't do much else. I was too stuffy to sleep; too hot to snuggle under blankets; too dopey to read; too tired to go outside; and too numb to care.

I learned that rest was best for me those two days; the body would not have allowed for anything else anyway. So I caved in and allowed myself to do a whole-lot-a-nothin'. Part of me was irritated; part of me was relieved; part of me was really, really bored! And part of me was aware that I had just had a big week energetically, holding more than I have held in a long while. I'm wondering if part of me got "sick" to allow for a break and some rest, or maybe just in rebellion; but I'm not sure. I was fine moving through the week, and even jazzed by the flow and all the energy. It felt good! I was not conscious of a need for more rest than I gave myself, but I have taken note, and am exploring what else may have been linked to the "forced down time." Resistance in getting bigger? Fear? Lack of energetic balance? Or maybe sometimes a cold is just a cold. I'm still dissecting it.

Every so often over the weekend, I'd search around my A Year To Live "room" to see how it felt to basically "skip" two whole days of living, yet I found very little. It seemed just fine to do nothing. I find that odd on one level, and perfectly understandable on another: Odd because my time feels so limited; understandable because I was home with my sweetie, being pampered and loved and lazy... and that felt good. It was nice, despite feeling like dinosaur doo-doo.

Who'd a thought that feeling so bad could still feel so good with a little love on top? Maybe my death will be like that. Even if it's uncomfortable, maybe with a little love on top, it'll feel OK...

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Tick-Tock goes the clock

Just about every day, I sign onto my blog and change the count, adding one day to "DAYS BEHIND" and subtracting one day from "DAYS AHEAD." I could have put in an auto-counter, but I chose to do it manually so that I can very consciously attend to the movement of time during this Year To Live. And it's working. Every time I change the count, raising one number and lowering the other, I am acutely aware of time's passage from being before me to being behind me....

How strange it feels to be counting down my time here! Each time I change the numbers, I feel the energetic shift in my body as the "BEHIND" number grows and the "AHEAD" number shrinks.  "One more day gone," I think to myself, "What did I do with it? Am I happy with it? Is there something I might shift today?"


There are so many things calling for my attention and energy. Each one is as important to me as the others: writing, cleaning, walking, teaching yoga, connecting with friends and family, emailing, spiritual practices, cooking, eating, sleeping, playing, seeing clients, reading, sitting in the sun, watching the rain, sharing a movie with my sweetie, taking care of household projects, etc.... How do I choose?

In the end, it won't be so much how I SPENT my time during these final months, but how I HELD the time I spent in them. What I realize is that no matter what I do, it's how I hold it energetically that matters most. Each moment is an opportunity for something to blossom, heal, evolve, dissolve... I have little idea how each moment interconnects with all the others from before or after it; yet, I sense that it does somehow, on some level, intersect with the whole of time, and have an impact that is much more expansive than what I can hold in my own awareness. This sense makes each moment super valuable in my heart.

When I reflect back on these months during my final moments - as the clock ticks down to the final minute and second of this Year To Live - what will I feel? What do I want to feel? Now is the time for me to seed that feeling...is it not?


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Fire & Water

So it's done nothing but rain for two days here in Central Texas.... beautiful! Rain is the Element of Water - cleansing, purifying, washing away what no longer serves to make space for what does. Water through sweat, spit, urine, and tears purifies and detoxes the body, creating spaciousness in the being. And just as the rain supports and nourishes new plant and animal growth and life, water supports and nourishes human growth and life by quenching our thirst and washing us clean. On the microcosmic level, our bodies are primarily made up of water and space. What I love the most about the Element of Water is that it supports our integrity of expression, especially with our emotions. It teaches us how to be "fluid" with ourselves and in our expressions of ourselves as we move through this dynamic life. So I say "Welcome!" to the rain that is such a powerful Elemental ally. It graciously offers so many gifts to me...

And what a perfect compliment it is to what I did last weekend: Last Saturday, I participated in a ceremonial firewalk focused on naming intentions and then feeding energy into them: What do I want to create in this life I have left? Where am I now and where do I want to go from here? The facilitator of this walk is one of my spiritual teachers, guides, and mentors; he is particularly powerful when it comes to energy play, especially with the Element of Fire. So the small, private event was a powerful experience and I immediately began to see the effects of what I'd set in motion; I'm talking - THAT night!

The Element of Fire is about transformation. Fire burns away the old to make space for the new. It clears blocks to movement and then heals, nourishes and restores the space it purged. How beautiful is that? Fire is about our spirit, our life force energy and our passion. It is about our intention. It restores our sense of curiosity and innocence, bringing us fully present to appreciate each moment as a brand new opportunity to explore and engage with life and its mysteries.

I can "see" and track the movement of the energy I (we) awakened that night in my life. Opportunities are arising everywhere in support of the intentions that I set; they are unmistakable! And so I gratefully and respectfully say "YES!" to them. And I realize that in order for me to birth and hold these things, I must first purge what no longer serves my newest intentions, to create the spaciousness for what's arising now within my being. The initial purge was with fire; I left the firewalk with very clear messages of what internal and energetic blocks needed to be cleared for me to move forward with my intents. So, I have done ceremony and practices to clear them. Now, I have the beautiful, soothing rainwater as a gentle reminder of what residue still needs cleansing. Yes, today I celebrate the powerful gifts from the Elements of Fire and Water that so graciously support my expansion and movement along this journey of joy-filled Divine service.

"How much time do I have to see these things through before I die?" I ask myself; and the answer is: "About 9 months. Wow - that's not a whole lot of time. Is it? What can I do in 9 months?" And then I think, "Well, that's a silly question! New human life is grown in 9 months!" And that thought makes me feel really empowered and inspired! I may not be birthing human babies, but I am birthing babies of a different sort all the time: books, articles, blogs, classes, prayers, songs, ideas, friendships, openings for other people, and on and on and on...

In 9 months, I can create openings for brand new life to seed, develop, and emerge... How great is that??

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Won't it be nice

Yesterday I moved into "Month 4" of my last year to live... 3 months down; 9 to go...

As my Year to Live clock ticks its way down, won't it be nice to simply allow? To allow what is to be, and to allow it to be OK whatever it is, trusting that it is all in alignment and that it is all perfect for each one of us? Won't it be nice to use each moment left of my life for honesty, growth, and expansion, even the parts that feel uncomfortable? Even the parts that are hard to look at and feel? Even when my heart breaks or aches? Won't it be nice to die knowing that I did my best, and that I honored the Divine in myself, in each person, and in each moment that I had as best as I could? Won't it be nice to hold my heart full of love, compassion, equanimity, and joy all the time? Yes, won't that be nice?

Can I do that???


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

It's a matter of perception

Yesterday I got a clear reflection of where I am today when an old "thorn" thrust itself into my beautiful day...

"Wow, he's really PISSED!" I thought, as this person raged over the phone. What was different for me this time is that I did not identify with it; I did not take it personally, take it on, or take it in... well, that's not exactly true.  I held my energy centered, listened to the energy of what he was expressing, felt the intensity of his body as he tried to navigate his way through the emotional eruption, and then, when he was done and said he was going to hang up, I simply said, "I love you" and hung up. And then I felt compassion for him, for the suffering he creates in his life and for the poison he spews out to those who love him.

I had an instant - well, maybe a few moments really - of questioning myself, of doubting and scolding myself ("How could I have missed that? I was so careful! I can't believe I did it again; I pissed him off again..."), and of judging him ("He's made up all these stories about me in his head, and now he's searching for proof that he's right! He just looks for data to validate his perception of me, and that's all he sees.") It's that part of me that, after all these years, still wants him to see me the way I see myself; still wants him to like me, respect me, appreciate me, love me. I don't like the stories or the person he's created me into; I want him to see the real me!

And then I see it: I'm just like him: I want to be right - about me. There's the "hook!" The game I'm playing is really no different from his. I see myself a certain way and I want him to see me that way too, instead of the way he does. I've made up my own stories of me and am searching for proof that I'm right; and all I see are the things that support my perception of myself; and I reject the things that don't... Wow. My game is no different from his; it just looks a bit different.

So there's a piece of work to be done - clearing old fears and beliefs that drive that train. What parts of this energy do I own and how can I shift them? "Yay!" I say to myself: "That's great information!" And then, I realize just how far I've come since I began this journey years ago. Used to, an incident like that would have floored me - dropped me right down to my knees in emotional pain. It would have knocked the breath right out of me and I would have taken it all in and on as somehow my fault, judging myself as not good enough, not worthy, and not lovable...never even considering that his perception really has little to do with me because it's nothing more than his story of me.

Today, I get clarity, and through the clarity I can take action that is aligned with what I'm creating - with the me that I'm consciously becoming. I can feel compassion for him and for myself, for our shared journeys, and for our internal distortions. And I can thank him for being such a spectacular teacher for me, supporting me in moving my own soul ever closer to its truth. And I can smile, filled with love for each one of us, even if he doesn't know it. And I can breathe in the peace that comes with having an open, spacious heart no matter what.

Ah - so that's what it feels like. That's how it feels to stand in my own integrity and to honor it, while honoring others as they stand in theirs too, however it looks and however it feels. I mean INTEGRITY with a capital 'I' - that inner truth that is uniquely mine based on my own perceptions, beliefs, etc. There's no right or wrong; there just is. He is and I am  - we both are doing our best in each moment with the information that we have at the time. And that's a beautiful thing because that's all we can really ever do.



©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Service

My prayer on many days is "How can I be of service today?" What I mean is: What can I do, how can I show up today in a way that is aligned with the Divine, in service to the Divine? That is my intent. I cannot say how that intent will show up or manifest in my life, yet I can say that I'm certain it will, and that I am committed to honoring whatever it is.

When my mind criticizes me for "not doing enough," I remember my true intent. My true intent is not necessarily to complete this or that from my long list of "to-dos," or produce this or that, or even to find and fulfill my life's purpose. These days, I recognize that being in service to the Divine is what gives my life purpose. The form that service takes will change and shift. Sometimes, publishing a book is being in service; other times, allowing myself a day of rest and contemplation is in service. And other times, maybe setting my lists aside and supporting a friend is in service.

Every day, my intent is to be in service to the Divine, yet I don't know what form that service will take until it arises. Following the energy of what arises is being in service to the Divine, because what arises is aligned with the Divine. Following the energy of what arises is a way of honoring my connection to the Divine. I am - we all are - a bridge between this physical realm and that energetic one; between the mundane and the sacred; between what we experience here and the Mystery that dwells beyond here. We are sacred vessels through which the energy of the Divine breaths...

Every step I take toward recognizing and realizing my own Divinity, I am in service. Years ago, spiritual author and teacher Marianne Williamson said: "We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” As I accept and allow my own "brilliance" to shine in the world as a unique Messenger of the Divine, the brilliance of others is enhanced. As I raise my own vibration, the vibration of others is raised... Wow! All I have to do is walk my own journey with authenticity and integrity and I am in service...

And although the term "God" has all kinds of symbology attached to it, we are speaking of the same Highest and Divine Power, or Life Force, or Energy behind all that is made manifest here. Every time I acknowledge the presence of that Divine Energy in myself or something else, I am in service. Because being in my integrity - standing in my own Divinity, honoring the Divine in all things, doing what is in alignment with the Divine as it moves through me from moment to moment - is one of the highest forms of service I can offer.

OK. I can handle that. I enjoy the fluidity of life, the magic of not knowing exactly what will be arising next. It's a curious, interesting, and fun surprise every day. It keeps me present and conscious. I couldn't always say that. Today as I count down my time here, I can say that.




©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Caterpillars & Butterflies

Tonight I took a moment to listen to a podcast by Marianne Williamson, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, called "Death to Life." In it she shared that we - the human race - are undergoing big transformation.  She likened this journey to that of the caterpillar. She said, "The caterpillar eats too much and it begins to literally decay and in the decay is what the biologists call the imaginal selves that form a cluster of imaginal soup. Out of that emerges an entirely new order of being. The butterfly is not just a caterpillar that has grown wings; not at all. The caterpillar dies and the butterfly is born. There's an actual discontinuity there; there's an actual phase shift, and that is what is occurring to us. One aspect of who we were is dying and out of the imaginal selves emerges someone new. We are moving from good to great; we are moving from caterpillar to butterfly; we are moving from who we used to be to who we can be. Look forward right into the eyes of the you that is waiting to be born." Wow....

So I took a moment to close my eyes and envision my imaginal self. Who would she be? What would she be like? What would she do? And I felt that imaginal self in my body, the self that I can be. I looked her right in the eyes and said, "Yes! That's the me I can be!" She was a few things that I already am, and a few things that I am not. And why not? What keeps me from being that person today?

I recall another, much older quote from Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do."

Ah- so that's it! We are afraid of our own light, our own brilliance. And all too often, when someone else shines, when someone else achieves what our soul longs to, we don't use it as an invitation to do the same; nope. We use it to compare, blame, judge or condemn them or ourselves or others for it. We are reminded of our own fears and blockages in bringing our imaginal selves forward. And so we find ways to separate ourselves and our experiences from theirs to reduce the pressure we feel inside.

But the pressure never dies, because our soul remembers. Our soul feels its Divinity, and that Divinity calls us forth, calls us forward. Each one of us carries within our being Divine gifts. Jane Goodall once said, "We have the choice to use the gift of our lives to make the world a better place." We have the opportunity to share our gifts with the world while we are here, to make it a place we can all be proud to live. Will we stay frightened little caterpillars or will we look our imaginal selves in the eyes and say Yes! to our butterflies? The time has arrived; the doorway of transformation is open...

Will we, will you, will I look through that doorway, or walk through it? That is the question of the day (number 276 to be exact).

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

A Waste - Part 1

The other day, I watched my cat eat a bird she'd caught: "Wow!" I thought, "That bird didn't know it was in its last moments of life...until it was." And I wondered what the bird's experience was like, and how it might be the same or different from my own. I felt happy that at least the bird brought my cat some play in her instinctual self and filled her belly so its death was not a waste. And then I thanked the beautiful bird for it's role in the cycle - The Way.

Then I thought about my own role in The Way, and wondered how many days I had left : 284, but that was two days ago...


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.