The Quest for Authenticity

Black/White Heart 2011

One day several years ago, I opened a door and said to the Universe, “Hey, I’m ready to find whatever it is I’m seeking. I know it’s there, just show me how…”  That simple request started my life in a new direction that has become an amazingly rich adventure. Once I made that commitment, everything that might have kept me from moving my life forward came up and was in my face; and yet everything I needed to support me on my path also arose… teachers, friends, healers, opportunities, etc.

I’ve learned that this is how it works: once we make the commitment to “seek,” everything that is in our way comes forth for clearing so we can move beyond it. And, everything we need to support us on the journey also comes forth. There’s no turning back; we have no choice but to keep going. Well, that’s not exactly true. We always have choice. The thing is, if we stop, it’s like standing in the middle of the fires of change. And if we go back, we return to a life of self-denial and lies, only they feel bigger now because we know what we want. And that truth continues to eat away at us. In the silent spaces of our minds, we cry out and die a little bit more each day, not knowing how to get from where we are to where we want to go. All our energy gets used up in denying the truth as we do our best to pretend we’re happy, which isn’t a complete lie yet it’s also not the whole truth. For if it were, we wouldn’t be seeking in the first place.

We open that door because there’s a part of us that knows the truth. There’s a part of us that wants so desperately to remember who we are. There’s a call inside our hearts that says, “Hey, wake up! Remember!” We open that door – we make that commitment – because there’s a part of us that does remember, and the rest of us seeks the beauty, power and peace that is held in that part. We recognize that there’s more to our selves and our lives than we’ve been aware of, told or shown. And so we become seekers of the truth, like archeologists exploring the hidden world and history of our inner being, so we can gain a clearer understanding of the material remains in our outer lives.

As we align ourselves, our intention and our energy with this path, things begin to move and shift. We arrive at new levels of awareness, and dormant parts of ourselves begin to stir and awaken. It’s like taking a flashlight to the dark corners of a room we’ve lived in for years, but never fully explored. Suddenly, the light shines on things we had no idea were there, and we see them for the first time, and everything we thought we knew about that room and our life in it changes.

This is where the magic begins! Once we have a more clear perspective on our place in the world, we can navigate beyond the obstacles that keep us bound. We can dismantle the parts of our lives that aren't serving us and bring in new parts that do. And we can reclaim our personal power to inspire and fuel our future vision. I call this the spiritual quest for authenticity.
As the Fall season comes to a close, I realize that I have made this quest. The emptiness and disillusionment I felt years ago in my life as I began my quest have long since vanished. I have stepped firmly into my authenticity and I express my truth in the world as best as I can every day.

The approaching Winter Solstice marks our movement out of the longest, coldest and darkest nights of the year and into growing days. This seasonal shift is not only about the returning of the daylight but it is also about reconnecting with our own inner light - our essence. This year as I enjoy the colorful Christmas lights all around me, I celebrate that I am doing my best to express my own bright light - my authenticity - in the world. Living from my authenticity is a gift that I cherish and don't take lightly. It's a "Merry Christmas to me!" 

May your own bright light shine out into the world, a gift for all to receive.

[Adapted from the book The Six Sacred Gifts: A little book of wisdom for fellow seekers, which will be released in March 2012 as a part of Spirit Paths™: The Quest for Authenticity, a 6-month Circle I am co-facilitating with Gerry Starnes. This Circle is designed to support seekers along their spiritual journey and into a new place of authentic being in the world. It is an intensive and experiential journey of contemporary shamanic wisdom for living authentically. For more details, go to http://www.shamanicpassages.com/SpiritPaths/.]

A Shaman's Death

This year, I have the pleasure of "dying" twice: once last weekend as an ending to a shamanic intensive I've been involved with for most of 2011, and the other in December with a year-long circle I've been holding since January - my AWAKEN Circle. 

I had no agenda for last weekend's death, other than to be shown whatever was for me to see. The experience was quite surreal on several fronts. What I will share is that for the first time in my "dying" experiences, I was actually buried in the damp soil of the Earth - head to toe, all but my shrouded face covered over with dirt. It was a strangely wonderful experience. 

I loved digging my own grave; it was a tremendously sacred act. And I loved having someone so special to me cover me over with dirt; it was also a sacred act. The feeling of it cannot be put to words. I wished I would have the same pleasure upon my actual death...

I was buried between two huge old oak trees for some period of time. I could hear the wind blowing through the leaves above me as I laid in the dirt, dead. I could also hear flies checking me out, and the whisper of birds flying past and chirping their songs around me, creating moments of total peace and serenity. In contrast, every so often a battery of intense gunfire rang out nearby...as if taunting me with the reality of my death.

The soil was moist and rich and dark in color. I imagined while digging my grave that I would get damp and cold in there. But what happened was that I felt cozy and warm instead, completely held by the love of the Earth. Twice while buried, a wave of a damp coldness passed through me to the bone, but they were only waves, lasting only for what felt like moments...and then the warmth returned. 

At some point my awareness shifted into what I can only describe as a pureness of being. My senses heightened - specifically vibratory sensations. Everything became as a vibration - a wave of energy moving through my body as I laid in the dirt. There was no thought; only presence and vibration. My body opened until I felt fully expanded into all things... as one vibration of being...a vibration of Love in its purest form.

This was a different experience from my past deaths in which I felt an acute letting go of the physical - a sort of separation of my energy body from my physical one and from all things physical. Not so this time. This time, I felt a merging with - an expansion into - all things physical or vibratory. I had an acute sense of connectedness with rather than separation from the physical, even in death. It was beautiful. 

I do not hold anything around the meaning of this experience; I only cherish how it felt. At some point, I arose from the dirt as if on cue from some higher source of wisdom - fully alive, fully awake, fully vibratory, having dropped into an even deeper connection with something beyond the physical. Life and death, death and life: two sides of the same face. I am both of them; both of them are me. 

And so this journey continues: Adventures in Love - my personal exploration into the power of the vibration of Love.

You Can't Cheat Death

Maia's ashes.

When death visits, her touch is swift, unquestionable, unyielding and unavoidable. Even if there's a process to go through before we take our final breaths, there is no escaping the power of death's ultimate touch. One touch - however gentle, however harsh - and death happens...

The body goes cold and lifeless when its soul leaves. Stephen Levine describes death as "the shaking loose of the body." It's the mysterious soul that animates the body, gives it life and vibrancy. Without the soul, the body is as an empty vase from which all the flowers have been plucked and the water poured out.

But it's not necessarily death itself that is unsettling or even disturbing. It's all the fallout that comes after death. And I'm clear that aside from my emotional state of grief around losing my beloved companion Maia, my mind is the instigator of any suffering over it that I'm experiencing.

I hit the wall of anger yesterday. After feeling fairly numb for two weeks, yesterday I got mad. I awoke from an early morning dream about Maia. She'd been resurrected from death by a dear friend who brought her to me with joy in his heart. Maia came trotting over to me, bright-eyed and tail-wagging.

I was stunned! I squatted down to hug and love on her, happy to feel her touch again yet deeply aware that something was wrong: This is wrong; she's not supposed to be here. I'll have to go through all of this again; I don't want to go through this again! There was an interesting mix of emotions at her return: I was so happy to see her yet so confused by it too; it wasn't meant to be and some part of me knew that.

In the dream, it was moments before Maia coughed a couple of times (just as she'd done in this reality), took her few last breaths and died...again. You can't cheat death.

Now I have to do this all over again! The thought of restarting my grief was annoying and made me mad. The anger I felt was not at my dear friend for resurrecting my beloved dog; it was at myself for all the things I felt guilty for in relation to my dog: for forgetting to salt her food that morning; for thinking I should wait a few hours to give her a treat with salt on it instead of giving it to her immediately; for banning her from my home office space as I worked all day; for the way she laid herself against the outside of my office door, waiting sweetly, silently, patiently for me to come out; for not doing more research on her condition and how we were handling it; for not letting her eat whatever she wanted; for being gone with busyness so much of the time and leaving her behind at home... These things tear at my heart now.

And I know I cannot change them. To suffer over them is pointless, really, in the biggest sense of things. And yet I suffer; I'm not yet able to hold all of my human experiences within the biggest container possible. I'm allowing myself that; it's part of my growing and grieving process - the untangling of all my human emotions around our relationship and her death: Could I have done more? Should I have done more? Why didn't I (fill in the blank)? I wish I hadn't (fill in the blank)... 

If I could rewind our time together, what would I do differently? I ask myself this question over and over again, and yet the answer is always the same: Nothing. It wouldn't matter; you can't cheat death.

If I could bring my beloved back, would I? I ask myself this question, too, and the answer is always the same: No, I wouldn't; you can't cheat death.

At some point in our relationships, we say goodbye. This is inevitable. Death touches all things ultimately. Bringing back the dead doesn't change death; it just delays it. You can't cheat death. Death happens how and when it happens because it does. We can't change it, avoid it or control it. We can't even really completely understand it but we don't have to. All we need to know is that death happens.

And as we hold this reality close in our hearts, life deepens into something more precious than anything else. Love takes the lead. We open... and in our opening, death becomes our ally rather than our enemy. How? How is death our ally? Death (of something) is the only way to clear space for what's next. Without death, our lives and our Beings would be bursting open with old stuff that is no longer serving us to the fullest. And that's what I believe we all grow toward: our fullest be-ing. This is the greatest expression of the divine moving through us that we can offer: our fullest be-ing, which to me means living from a deep sense of love...

Death brings the ultimate transformation. Ultimately, it is the gateway to return to pure essence. Not every single death we experience (death of people, pets, ideas, dreams, thoughts, etc.) offers a return to our pure essence; I believe this is reserved for our physical death. But every death offers us the opportunity to take a tiny step toward connecting even more deeply with our pure essence... the vibration of Love.

We can fear death, hate death or love death but ultimately, we have death. Can I embrace even death with love in my heart? I'm still learning that yes I can, but I must honor my humanity and allow myself to grieve the letting go of my beloveds, too. It's a fine balance between being Human and being an expression of the Divine. By honoring my very human feelings - my grief - I clear the way for love to re-enter my wounded heart and refill it with light. The other option is to close, which doesn't appeal to me. In opening, I step even closer to what I believe is all of our divine essence - that of pure love.

So I grieve, and heal, and grow, and open in the face of death, which is ultimately all about love...

The Heart of the Matter

Warm Heart 2008

Our hearts are so strong and yet so fragile around love.

We can open or close them. We can expose or protect them. We can risk or guard them. Yet most often we forget about them until something happens that either cracks them open or slams them closed. What is it about the heart that is so significant? So magnificent?

The heart is our gateway to our essence - the part of us that is boundless, infinite and unafraid. Through opening the heart fully we find completeness - a sense of purity, wholeness and unity with something much greater than our mentally-constructed selves. Beyond the realm of our projections, beyond the realm of our minds we find... mystery.

I call it "mystery" because we can't define it with our minds. It's a spaciousness that defies what the mind can grasp. It's not based in the past or the future. It rests in the expansiveness of the present moment which is infinite. It is only our minds that define the present moment as "finite time" in a limiting way when beyond our mental projections, there is no time, only presence.

Beyond the mind we find freedom. In the Toltec tradition, they describe the antics of our mind as "dreaming," or a mental projection, a concept or interpretation of our experiences that is not the experiences themselves. Thinking about our experiences is not the same as having them; thinking about them is a reflection of the experience, not the experience itself. Yet all too often we believe that our thoughts about our experiences are the truth when actually, they are only mental reflections of the truth.

Distortion & Reflection 1: Chicago 2008

This is what leads us to an over-identification with our minds. We believe that what the mind tells us is the truth, yet we forget that it is merely a reflection of the truth, which leaves room for personal projection and distortion. When we believe our minds, our thoughts, projections and distortions stimulate all kinds of drama and suffering in our lives, especially around matters of the heart.

Consider that having an emotion is a movement of energy through the body. The mind will enter and label the energy as something specific (e.g., pain, fear, sadness, anger, rage, joy...) and then judge whether the experience is OK or not - safe or not. When we attach labels of the mind to our experiences, we are left with stories about what's happening to us and at the deepest places within our being, our mind is assessing whether or not it's a threat to our survival so it can dictate what action to take next: fight, flight or freeze. It is also signaling the body to prepare for that action: our hormones, muscles, adrenalin, breath, etc. immediately respond to the signals of the mind.

Distortion & Reflection: Chicago 2008

The tricky part is that our physical bodies are geared to respond to the mind's signals, whether or not the mind's signals are accurate, relevant or true in the present moment. Remember that the mind is never operating in the present moment. It pulls up information from the past or projects information into the future based on the past, but it is never directly engaged with our present moment experiences.

Why? Because the mind does not directly experience anything. It gets information second-hand through our sensory and energy bodies and then interprets that information based on past experiences or future projections; but it does not directly experience anything. The mind's job is to interpret or reflect to the rest of the body what it believes is happening based on input from our sensory and energy bodies - what we see, hear, smell, taste, touch and perceive (energetically). The mind says "I recognize this sensation; it means blahblahblah and this is what we need to do next!"

Here's the problem: What the mind believes (based on history) may not apply in the present moment or the future, so it's signals limit our ability to act from the infinite field of possibilities that are available to us in each moment. This is important! By freeing ourselves from over-identifying with and believing in our mind's projections and stories about what it thinks is happening or going to happen, we open ourselves to the infinite and can move beyond old obstacles in our lives.

Over-identifying with the mind and turning our experiences into concepts and stories puts limitations on the vastness of what we truly are: the pure essence of mass, energy and consciousness. Many traditional spiritual practices are designed to create spaciousness between our mind and our pure essence so that we can become more of a witness to our mind's games rather than be driven by them. Meditative practices are a beautiful way to begin shifting away from over-identification with the mind and to build a trusting relationship with our pure essence.

Pathway to Mystery: Paris 2004

Connecting with and trusting in our pure essence is a pathway through the heart rather than the mind. When we build a stronger relationship with our pure essence, our hearts open and take rest into something much greater than what our minds can comprehend - something boundless, infinite and beyond the mind's reflections - the mystery of Being.

This is what makes our hearts both strong and fragile: in opening them to the mystery, we may feel vulnerable yet through this act we become stronger in our connection to our pure, infinite essence. It takes strength and courage to allow our hearts to open beyond the limitations and fears of the mind. And yet through that strength and courage - through opening ourselves to the mystery - we may experience what I can only describe as "pure love" (which is only a limited description and reflection of what is really an indescribable experience of what I feel to be pure love)...

Touched By Grace

On Saturday, I met a beautiful angel. I didn't catch her name because in looking at her, to name her seemed inappropriate for such an ethereal Being. To "name" her seemed somehow dishonoring of her magnificence.

I met her in a store. She was in the arms of her Nanny, a very loving woman who was enjoying this bright Being as much as the rest of us were. This angel looked at me with her clear blue eyes and in them I saw looking back at me... well, I saw me, in a way that I never have before: the undiluted, essential me. I could tell it was me because I felt it to the heart of my Being.

I looked back at her, feeling a subtle urge to bow my recognition, respect and gratitude to her. The more I looked at her, the more I felt something; the more I felt something, the harder it was to identify. Then it came to me: purity. This angel was the purest, most bright light I've ever encountered in this physical world. She was as close to Divine Source energy as I've ever gotten, and in her eyes, the truth was radiating out. My encounter with her touched me deeply, even if only for  a few moments through her eyes. (She looked a lot like this picture, although this is not her.)

 It was pure, unadulterated love that she radiated and that touched me so deeply. There was nothing whatsoever attached to her gaze; just pure and simple light and love radiating out - joyful and present. It was the kind of love that I aspire to achieve this year through my A Year To Love journey. Can I? Will I ever reach that place of innocence to the point of holding only light, love and joyful presence?

Ahhhhh. My teachers come in interesting packages these days and I am grateful to all of them :)

Love and Ego

So, this is my year to really, really pull love into my being as the foundation of my interactions with the world around me. I'm keeping a close eye on it, as they say. I'm opening my awareness to all the places in my life where my heart closes and I separate myself from love.

In her book A Return To Love, Marianne Williamson says "Any situation that pushes our buttons is a situation where we don't yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving." Hmmmm - that's powerful food for thought! In the past week, I found two places where I shut myself down to love:

The first was around a phone call I received from an ex of mine. Having no active relationship with this person today, I had a reaction to the call that was inviting me to an art opening in which they had four new pieces. My ego got angry and said "What - I don't hear from you EVER and now you just call to invite me to see your new art? No 'Hey, how are you? What'cha been up to? etc...' Just 'Come see my new art!'" 

 Oh boy, did my ego want to run away with that one! I heard a resounding "F--- you!" in my head, and it surprised me. How strange it felt to hear my mind scream this out about someone that I love, because the truth is that I do love this person, despite years of separation and limited communication. When I explored what was beneath the "F--- you!" I found that the truth is I miss this person; I miss sharing life with them, connecting about what's going on in our lives, and there's a part of me that still grieves the loss of that closeness and my "importance" in their life. This is not about anger or hatred; it's love... It may not look like love on the surface expression of it, but it is love.

So my question became: "What keeps me from responding from my deeper truth of love rather than the surface reactions of anger, blame, resentment or whatever else?" The truth is, it's only my ego and my ego's attachment to things other than love that keep me from being able to open to love in all of its expressions. And the reality is that this ex who called to invite me to the art opening was inspired by love - love of the art pieces, of the inspiration to create them, of the show itself, and of me. It wasn't their closure, but mine that kept me from responding from a place of love in that situation.

The second place I shut myself down to love was with my partner during an interaction we had this weekend. When I was called on to listen, I jumped in and took the first opportunity to "speak my mind" instead. I didn't allow the space they needed to feel complete before I launched into my own perspective... which, when I'm radically honest with myself, was about some unconscious part of me that felt right and wanted to make my point so that my partner "would understand; would get it; would agree with me; blah blah blah...."

 Whew - that was hard to admit to myself and even harder to admit to my partner! But I did: I told myself first and then told them that it was not my intent to shut them down, that I would explore this more deeply within myself, work to be more aware of it, and that I loved them. In essence, I opened to love and was able to reconnect to myself from a place of self-love and acceptance, and then express myself from that place of honesty, which allowed me to reconnect to them. My closure was actually to myself because I felt guilty and ashamed for shutting them down (however unintentionally it was done...). It was only after shutting down to myself that I shut down to them. What a beautiful mirror for me to learn and grow from! 

 Today I sit on the other side of these discoveries, determined to shift the dynamics that led to them. And that is the beauty of this journey: endless opportunities to open my heart to love even more!

Countdown

There are so many thoughts and sensations moving through my body these days as I approach the end of my "A Year To Live" adventure. Changing the death countdown from 10 to 9 today felt a bit like hitting the big red button for a shuttle lift-off. I could hear my own voice in my head saying with passion and maybe even excitement and a bit of anxiety: "Ten! Nine!..."

Last night I returned to my favorite labyrinth to walk it beneath the big bright moon. The sky was virtually clear all day and night until about 5 minutes before I walked when a thin cloud bank moved over it. It was interesting to see and feel the difference in the energy of this walk compared to the last. The last moon was bright and vibrant with energy and the contrast between the light and shadows was stark. This time, the moon was veiled and the light-shadow contrast was barely noticeable. The energy and the light was gentle and soft.

I felt my body relating to that shift. As I approach the end of this year, my own energy feels more gentle and soft. There is an urge to slow down, rest into what's here, and stop all the business so I can drop more deeply into connection with it all. It's an interesting contrast between the ending and a beginning. I feel the ending of this year approaching; I also feel the possibility of birth, newness and freshness on the other side of it. There's a sense of spaciousness hovering just beyond the surrender...

Yesterday a client struggled with whether or not her presence in life was helping or hurting the world; she questioned her own purpose for being here. I heard myself say: "There's no greater purpose or service to the Divine than raising our own vibration." This is a truth that I have come to hold. We spend so much time in our lives questioning our choices, our reasons for being here, our purpose. The answer is in the process of questioning...

What I believe is that we don't have to do anything special to make our journey here meaningful or purposeful; all we have to do is question. The questioning guides us to raise our own vibration. That is living a purposeful life.

Every day my question is: "How I can be of service today?" The rest of my day is spent paying attention to that - to what arises within that frame. It's a very simple question with no specific answer. And it unfolds in powerful and mysterious ways.

As I approach this death, I'm still asking that question every day: "How can I be of service today?" Maybe I already have...just by the asking.

Moon Walk

Thursday night I walked my favorite labyrinth under the full moon. I've been visiting this particular labyrinth for maybe 12 years. The stones it is made up of are white and they glow in the moonlight, giving a magical feel to the place and space, especially on a clear full moon night.

As I enter my last month to live on this "A Year To Live" adventure, things are becoming extra poignant. Walking around the labyrinth between the darkened shadows cast by oak trees and the clear white light cast by Grandmother Moon, I experienced in a very concrete way how light exists within shadows and shadows exist within light. There is no separation; the two exist among each other in a beautiful balance of light and dark. Without both, who would really know either one?

I think my experience with this balance was in answer to an intent I sent out to Grandmother Moon before walking the labyrinth: "I ask for your support in releasing any and all attachment or resistance I have to the suffering of myself or anyone and anything else." While dancing among the light and the shadows cast by the trees and the moon, I realized - I felt - that it is all a perfect balance of energies and that both are necessary; both are a part of life and living. Without both, there would be no wholeness or balance.

Following the path to the center, there were moments when my shadow was cast directly in front of me - just like a person - a body double. I connected with this shadowy body double of me and held her as the residue of me that will remain in this physical plane after I'm dead. There she was, a mere shadow of what used to be me; a footprint; a reflection of my energy; neutral space where I once was; someone's fading memories. "How long will she remain?" I wondered, "How long will I be remembered and in what ways?"

I got to thinking about who I am, really. "Am I me or is that shadow the real me? Who is the me that people will remember? Who do I want them to remember and why? What am I leaving behind in my wake?" In one generation or less, any memory of me can be completely erased, my life here dissolved. Every adventure, every experience, every breath completely erased - my existence here forgotten, irrelevant history...

What I realized is that this journey is not about bringing all the things in my life to completion before I die - all the relationships, projects, paper work, teachings, etc. It is about bringing ME to completion before I die. "How much of what keeps me separate from love and divinity can I surrender and release before I die? Because what's left is the real me."

Yes: How much?

A Song For The Dying

These days I'm not sure what's related to what. Am I feeling physically tired and fatigued because of some nutritional or hormonal issue? Or because I'm busier with writing, teaching, and presenting? Or because I'm not sleeping very well? Or because my neck has been giving me grief so I haven't been able to exercise regularly? Or because of the energetic shifts that are happening Universally and within my being? Or because I'm coming close to my death date?


52 DAYS is a very short time that I have left in this experience. I'm contemplating the details of my death and how I want to approach it. Do I want to have a big celebration or a quiet, intimate exit? How important is it that I finalize all the details of how to handle my body? Who do I want to contact and in what way before I die? How do I really want to spend this last 52 days?

Of all the questions flowing through, the one arising the most is What is my death chant? Somehow this one piece feels most important to my process. I feel that it would be comforting to have one rehearsed and intimately familiar when I die. There is something beautiful about the vibration of sound in and out of the body...

Levine describes the healing/death chant as "a familiar path into the unfamiliar - a sacred path." He writes: "A death chant can act as a refuge from the storm, or an open window to the sun. Whatever the chant is it will bring us closer to grace, our original nature, the Kingdom of Heaven that is within."

For all of those that I have death-walked, I've sung to them for hours as they transitioned. It is a beautiful thing to watch the spirit of a being rest into the sounds of a song. I don't know if there will be anyone by my side singing to me when I die, but I can be; I can sing to myself!

Aside from all the formal details of what will happen to me and my stuff, the death chant feels most significant as a bridge between this physical life and the ethereal one that I'll be shifting into. This is the piece to focus on; this is the way forward. The rest feels like looking back, which I've spent lots of time doing already, cleaning up and preparing things.

Yes - my death chant is calling...

Altared States

 This morning I took the time to do some spiritual practices that I used to do daily, but have fallen out of the habit: 9 Breaths of Purification, Tsa Lung, Seed Syllables, Grand Circuit Breathing... It felt SO good! While doing the Grand Circuit Breathing, I reached that place of simple awareness, meaning that I dropped out of my physical being and slipped into a state of awareness that was beyond what I usually experience.

My mind popped forward and wanted to question it since it didn't take me long to get there. But this wasn't about my mind; it was about my energy and awareness, so I invited my mind to move to the background and be quiet... which it was willing to do for short periods of time. Each time it re-arose and wanted to be "scientific" and "inquisitive" and "blahblahblah-ing," I simply and lovingly sent it back to its space of silent observation; and I reassured it that I would take time to ponder the points it was stirring about later.

Now is the "later" I promised my mind, so here are my ponderings: That place I reached can best be described as emptiness and fullness at the same time. That's how it feels to me when I'm there - like I'm empty of everything and full of everything at the same time. There's no longing or desire or attachment to anything; there's just complete resting into what is. And what is feels like all and nothing at once. It's a sense of wholeness that is hard to put to words.

That sense of wholeness is what I had trouble connecting to in the experience I wrote about last week. I reminded myself that what I'm doing during this year to live - or at least part of what I'm doing - is preparing myself to die. What does that mean, exactly?

For me, there are at least three parts to this process:
1. Cleaning up my personal relationships - saying what I need to say to people so that I feel right and clear with them - so that there's no baggage there to leave behind.

2. Getting my life in order so that there's not a big mess for anyone to have to deal with when I die. My will and all my medical wishes are updated and in order. I've selected folks for specific jobs and they have agreed and signed off on the necessary legal papers for it. My partner and closest friends know my wishes and preferences surrounding what to do with my body and how to celebrate my transformation. And I've written a letter to my family and to those carrying out my wishes just to clarify what they are and to reassure everyone that these are indeed my wishes. Just to be certain, I had them notorized.

3. Most importantly, it means getting myself ready for the transformation. This year-long journey is founded in Stephen Levine's book A Year To Live. He does a beautiful job of giving practices to prepare the energy body for its departure out of the physical body, so that when the physical body dies (or stops functioning, completes its cycle...falls away), the energetic one can easily release into whatever is next. A big part of it seems to be getting the mind's  acceptance and cooperation around its powerlessness in this process. My belief is that when we die, the mind no longer functions as we know it in the physical sense, but our transcendent awareness does...or maybe that's my hope!

The state I reached today gives me hope that upon my physical death, I will surely be freed into the state of energy and awareness that so many enlightened beings speak of; that death of the physical will truly be birth of the Spirit; that release of the mind's fear is the pathway to true freedom; and that I will continue to exist yet not from ego, but from a purity of Energy, Awareness, and Love.

Today is a great day to live!

Huh - interesting: As I changed the count on my "Days Ahead" this morning, I found myself adding 8 days! What happened? I've been changing the count every day this week, one day at a time. How did I rob myself of 9 days yesterday? Or, how did I manifest 8 days today??

I don't know, but I'll take them :)

Things are shifting quickly and I'm doing my best to stay with it and follow what arises each day. Today I spotted the twin fawns in our front yard sleeping near their Mom in the wee morning hours. It felt good to feel them there, trusting and resting into the predawn calm.

And today I submitted a job application for a full-time 9 to 5 job. Wow - I haven't had one of those in years! The job sounds compelling though busy, and the pay is good. It could help stabilize some financial goals in my life, what's left of it anyway.

And today I prepared a package of information to take to one of my health care providers who requested a copy of my book - AD/HD Generation: Holistic Ways to Support Children - for their reception area. I signed the book and got bookmarks and business cards ready to send with it. It's an office that works with women and families, so parents are always sitting in the waiting room before appointments. I love the idea of them scanning through my book as they wait!

And today I'm finalizing materials for the Kundalini Yoga workshops I'm offering with the Texas Yoga Retreat at Barsana Dham this weekend. It's going to be amazing; I can already feel the energy of the space and the people. My body is completely tuned in to the energy of what I'm offering and it is (I am)  ready to go!

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for everything that Spirit is asking me to express in the world in support of our healing and expansion. And today, I have 128 more days to live!

Gifts from Angels

This little fawn was born in our yard yesterday morning. She followed Momma from the back field to the front yard and got tired. Momma parked the little tot in one of our flower beds, sheltered by a small Salvia bush, and then went about her business. She was gone for hours.

The fawn hardly moved and was fairly well camouflaged by the bush. She rested there all day before the Momma retrieved her in the late afternoon. At one point, we put a water bowl near her and she scampered off a few feet to a new spot at the foot of the Tiger Irises. I got a clear picture of her there...  adorable! I named her "Angel."

This fawn is such a great reminder of the natural cycle of all things: they arise, exist, and fall away again at some point. Everything obeys this law; nothing is immune to it... except our Essence. 

As this precious fawn was born into the physical realm, it obeyed this cycle, arising from Essence into physical existence. When my body takes its last breath here, "I" will fall away from physical existence and into Essence, also obeying this cycle. It is an infinite cycle, and I'm grateful for it. 

Check the message on the clay pot in the flower bed; how perfect. The Angel of Death is an Angel, after all. What she brings us is a gift, one of the grandest: true freedom.  

Celebrate - Part 4

“We are infinite, boundless, energetic somethings using a human body here. Oh the joy I will feel when I am free of this body!”

If you read Celebrate - Part 3, you recognize that quote. It is my hope that it is true. And now I see that it is also my attachment. It's what I'd like death to mean or be. And what if it's not? That is part of what I must surrender during what’s left of my Year to Live. It’s just an idea of what physical death may bring, yet I cannot know if it is the truth.

And what if it’s not? What if there’s something strange, uncomfortable, uncontrollable, or empty after this? Or what if there’s nothing after this? Then what? Will I know it? Will I have consciousness and know that what’s happening is not what I imagined or wanted or hoped for? Will I care? Will anyone care?

That's something to consider; not necessarily what comes next, but rather, my attachment to what comes next. Can I simply open to whatever it is without holding an idea of what I think it is or what I want it to be? Can I really get to a place of neutrality around what comes next?

How many days do I have left??????????

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

It's a matter of perception

Yesterday I got a clear reflection of where I am today when an old "thorn" thrust itself into my beautiful day...

"Wow, he's really PISSED!" I thought, as this person raged over the phone. What was different for me this time is that I did not identify with it; I did not take it personally, take it on, or take it in... well, that's not exactly true.  I held my energy centered, listened to the energy of what he was expressing, felt the intensity of his body as he tried to navigate his way through the emotional eruption, and then, when he was done and said he was going to hang up, I simply said, "I love you" and hung up. And then I felt compassion for him, for the suffering he creates in his life and for the poison he spews out to those who love him.

I had an instant - well, maybe a few moments really - of questioning myself, of doubting and scolding myself ("How could I have missed that? I was so careful! I can't believe I did it again; I pissed him off again..."), and of judging him ("He's made up all these stories about me in his head, and now he's searching for proof that he's right! He just looks for data to validate his perception of me, and that's all he sees.") It's that part of me that, after all these years, still wants him to see me the way I see myself; still wants him to like me, respect me, appreciate me, love me. I don't like the stories or the person he's created me into; I want him to see the real me!

And then I see it: I'm just like him: I want to be right - about me. There's the "hook!" The game I'm playing is really no different from his. I see myself a certain way and I want him to see me that way too, instead of the way he does. I've made up my own stories of me and am searching for proof that I'm right; and all I see are the things that support my perception of myself; and I reject the things that don't... Wow. My game is no different from his; it just looks a bit different.

So there's a piece of work to be done - clearing old fears and beliefs that drive that train. What parts of this energy do I own and how can I shift them? "Yay!" I say to myself: "That's great information!" And then, I realize just how far I've come since I began this journey years ago. Used to, an incident like that would have floored me - dropped me right down to my knees in emotional pain. It would have knocked the breath right out of me and I would have taken it all in and on as somehow my fault, judging myself as not good enough, not worthy, and not lovable...never even considering that his perception really has little to do with me because it's nothing more than his story of me.

Today, I get clarity, and through the clarity I can take action that is aligned with what I'm creating - with the me that I'm consciously becoming. I can feel compassion for him and for myself, for our shared journeys, and for our internal distortions. And I can thank him for being such a spectacular teacher for me, supporting me in moving my own soul ever closer to its truth. And I can smile, filled with love for each one of us, even if he doesn't know it. And I can breathe in the peace that comes with having an open, spacious heart no matter what.

Ah - so that's what it feels like. That's how it feels to stand in my own integrity and to honor it, while honoring others as they stand in theirs too, however it looks and however it feels. I mean INTEGRITY with a capital 'I' - that inner truth that is uniquely mine based on my own perceptions, beliefs, etc. There's no right or wrong; there just is. He is and I am  - we both are doing our best in each moment with the information that we have at the time. And that's a beautiful thing because that's all we can really ever do.



©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

A Waste - Part 3

I've been thinking: Maybe what people really mean when we say "What a waste" is how sad it makes us when someone dies, because it reminds us of our own impermanence. Did you ever notice that even when you don't know the person, there's a compulstion to say or at least think, "I'm sorry..." and when you hear or see things like I described last week, to think "What a waste..." Why is that?

Maybe because we all experience loss and so we can connect to the grief that is a part of letting something we love go. Maybe we say "I'm sorry" to them because we need to hear it ourselves, for a loss that has not yet healed within our own being. Compassion for others is rooted in compassion for ourselves. Maybe someone else's loss is a reminder to bring compassion into our own life, so that our own heart can heal.

Maybe because deep down in our hearts, we recognize that every single person is our brother and sister, born of the same Source that we are - One Divine Source; they are us and we are them in the end. When a brother or sister dies, on some level it's a reflection of our own death. It reminds us that we are impermanent and that our time here is temporary. Some day, some time we will die too. What happens then, we can't be certain. Yet what we know is that we will no longer be in the form we are in at this moment. And maybe the part of us that enjoys this physical life is saying, "Oh - I'm sorry to think about letting that go."

Maybe what folks mean when we say "I'm sorry" or "What a waste" is that we hope our own life will not feel like a waste when we die, so we won't feel sorry for ourselves. Maybe the heart of who we are is, in that moment, screaming out for recognition. Maybe it sees an opportunity to say, "Hey - wake up! Your time is limited! Fulfill your dreams!" Maybe the death of someone else - even someone we don't personally know - is a wake up call for our own Soul. Maybe it's an opening for us to reflect on our time here so that we can stop denying our magnificence and start living it.

Maybe that's part of why "feeling more death" allows us to "find more life."


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Lady Death

Death happens. It's a part of the natural cycle, what some Native Americans call "The Way." Things arise, exist, and then fall away again. I wrote about that in my last blog.

At the start of this journey, in my journal I wrote: "I hear a bird, a car, some dishes clanking in the kitchen...signs of life all around me. My presence here in this moment is inconsequential. I am a silent observer and yet a full participant. Yellow leaves flutter gently to the ground, surrendering to Fall and their own tiny death, as I will soon. In its day, each leaf is spectacular and "makes the tree;" today those leaves are inconsequential, silent observers yet fully participating... like me. Will it be that easy - that gentle - for me? Will I - when it is my time to surrender - be just as silent, just as graceful, just as willing as these leaves? They sprout, and blossom, and live fully, and wilt, and die fully...as I will."

What I've come to is that life - and me as a part of it - is fragile and temporary: fragile because we often don't know when it's time for us to fall away again until we are looking Lady Death in the eyes; and temporary because we all look Lady Death in the eyes... no one and nothing escapes her reach. Well, that's not exactly what I believe...

Remember in "The Dying," I quoted Levine writing about our essence, or essential nature: "Remember that the ever-present luminosity into which our ever-impermanent density dissolves is the light of awareness by which consciousness is seen, our essential nature which never dies." TRANSLATION: Remember that our physical-ness is temporary and at some point will dissolve into the permanent energy from which it was born. That permanent energy is infinite; it has no beginning and no end. It is not, however, empty; it is embedded with awareness.  Awareness is part of what gives rise to our  consciousness when we are born into this physical life. Get it?

So, Lady Death wields the sword that puts an end to our physical experience here, but she can't touch our essential nature, no matter how far she reaches.  Somehow, I find comfort in that. So with that in mind, how can I make the most of my life while I am existing here? How can I be "spectacular and make my tree" before I fall away again? Those are the real questions behind this "A Year To Live" experience, which brings me back to New Year's Eve: Can we really find more life by feeling more death?

283 days and counting...


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

"The Way"

So part of the challenge of "We are all messengers; we are all Divine" is how to handle the "tough" parts of this life. Like - what if the leader of our country holds entirely different beliefs then me? Beliefs that I reject to my core? And then, what if that leader acts on those beliefs in the world - as a representative of me? Only it's not me; it's not at all aligned with what I believe, with the world I choose to create, support, and hold... What do I do with that?

I've spent time contemplating things of this nature in the past, extending the issue out to the community I live in. What about the person who acts out of integrity? Who is a rapist? A child molester? A thief? What about the tragic accident that killed my friends? What about natural disasters? What about the illness that killed my loved one? And on and on and on... Are these things Divine?

I bet most of us wonder about such things now and again, especially when faced with them personally. Yet here's the deal: The Divine Source that I believe in is dynamic; it is a catalyst for movement and change. It is founded in energy, and energy is not static; it's dynamic. The natural world created by this Source, then, is also dynamic; it moves and changes in cycles, and the cycles never fail. Things arise ("birth"), exist, and then fall away again ("death"). It's all temporary except for the Source. The Source is always present "behind the scenes" of this life. Quantum physics is proving this now, that this is an  energetically-based life, yet that's an entirely different blog...

And it doesn't matter what you call this Divine Source, what symbol or language you choose to use to describe it; it's the same Source in my opinion; and that's just my opinion. It can be God, Goddess, Gaia, Spirit, Allah, Great Creator, Divine Source, Buddha, etc.. Take your pick; they all point to the same mystical, energetic Source in the end.

So - if I believe that all things are of the same Source, and if I believe that this Source is Divine in its nature, then all things are of the Divine. And beyond that, if I believe that all things are of this Divine Source, and I believe that this Source is sacred, then all things are sacred. So, if I hold faith in these beliefs, then all things in this life are both sacred and Divine, even the tough ones.

Yet, how can that be? How can suffering, destruction, trauma and such be sacred and Divine? I may never have an answer to that question. But I can at least accept these things as part of the natural (sacred, Divine) flow of energy in life as we experience it. And I can at least accept that it is all part of the "arise-exist-fall away" cycle which is an essential part of this energetically-based life. Some Native Americans call this cycle "The Way."

From this perspective, suffering is the "falling away" of comfort and comfort is the "falling away of suffering; destruction is the "falling away" of creation and creation is the "falling away" of destruction; trauma is the "falling away" of safety and safety is the "falling away" of trauma. You get the picture. Everything arises, exists, and falls away again. These are all temporary states of being, just as everything else is, just as I am, because it's simply the way of energy...The Way. There is no time to the cycles; they simply happen when they happen. 

I arose into this form at conception; I exist; and at some point I will fall away again from this form. It's just "The Way" or the "Law" of energy, and I am, we all are, energy in the end.


©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

Words of Wisdom

So I went to see don Miguel Ruiz and his two sons (don Miguel Jr. & don Jose) speak at Unity in Wimberley earlier this week. It was a fabulous, big "energetic love fest." They are all very different in their delivery of wisdom, yet each one gracefully and powerfully shared it, reaching out with passion, integrity, honesty, and mostly love. As I sat in the room filled with people - other seekers like me - I not only felt the vibe of the energy that was happening in that room, but I saw it. Sometimes I can do that; sometimes Spirit blesses me with the ability to see the beautiful energy that radiates from people. Sometimes it's other colors yet mostly, like this night, it is a bright, sparkly whitish-yellow light surrounding everyone. It seems to rise out from the body anywhere from an inch to nearly a foot when folks are impassioned. When I go to talks like this one, I use the energy of the speaker and in the room to help me discern the integrity of the experience. For all the controversy that can attach itself to powerful teachers, masters, enlightened beings - whatever you choose to call them - this experience was, in my opinion, both inspired and inspiring.

I heard so many beautiful words of wisdom yet three gifts stood out to me. The first, spoken by don Jose, was: "When we hold ourselves as Angel, we don't need a heaven from outside ourselves." HELLO: REMEMBER YOUR DIVINE NATURE! I was reminded that we are all - each and every one of us - born of the same sacred womb of creation - One Divine Source. So I am - me - I am a part of that Divinity; yes, I am an "Angel" (my interpretation: messenger of the Divine; child of the Divine). With that energy behind me, oh the possibilities...

...which leads to the second thing I heard that stood out to me, also spoken by don Jose. It was the reminder that: "Every one of us is a messenger. What is your message?" What a powerful question for me to ask myself during this year to live. "WHAT IS MY MESSAGE?" When my physical body surrenders it's breath and my eternal energy body goes wherever it goes, what will my message to the world be? What will I leave behind in my wake? This is a stunning question, and the best answer I have at the moment is: "Well, I hope I leave behind something that folks can grow from..."

...which leads to the third thing I heard that caught my energy and attention, from the amazing HeatherAsh Amara, one of my Toltec teachers. She closed out the talk by declaring: "Life invites us all the time; create yourself!" Wow. CREATE MYSELF. This phrase rang in my head for quite some time: CREATE MYSELF. The third piece of an interesting puzzle fell into place when she spoke those words. The puzzle is this:

"I am an Angel - a messenger of the Divine (as we all are). What is my message? How can I create myself to reflect that message?" I have 290 days to figure it out.

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.

"The Dying"

So this week, one question that arose for me during this final year to live is: How can I support my energy body's graceful release from it's physical packaging during "the dying?"

I remind myself that I am not this body. This body is a sacred vessel within which my true essence resides. Levine wrote: "Remember that the ever-present luminosity into which our ever-impermanent density dissolves is the light of awareness by which consciousness is seen, our essential nature which never dies." I am - we are - none of this physicality. It's just a vessel; a package that we get to use to fully experience this beautiful material, sensory world. The senses are an avenue into a fullness of being, a wholeness of being, in this physical realm that would not be possible without them. They link us more closely to the subtle energy body that is our sacred and essential nature which never dies, as Levine describes it, that infinite light of awareness that is our essence; yet they also connect us more deeply to our physical nature in this realm. The senses, then, are a bridge between our sacred infinite essence and our sacred finite vessel.

To answer my own question, there seem to be several pathways into preparing oneself for "the dying." Exploring these pathways is a big part of my journey this year. For the moment, today, I simply remember to honor this sacred, sensory vessel as a bridge to my sacred essence. This body is serving me now, in the present, where I am still "alive." So I contemplate how to best support it. Somehow it seems contradictory to expend energy supporting a body that is in the midst of what I call its death walk, it's journey toward a final surrender. But from the moment we are born, aren't we all on a "death walk?"

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.