Me and My Ego

Me and my ego are friends now. We weren't always friends but over the past several years, I've made it my mission to befriend my ego as much as possible. I spend much of my time watching it closely through reflection from others and through my own self-witnessing. For a time, it was a part of me that I resisted and tried to rid myself of, mistakenly believing that I could. In some circles, people speak about the ego as a kind of a Human curse to overcome or even "kill" from the Being. The ego is blamed for some not-so-pleasant aspects of being Human...

Yet, as a Human Being created by a Divine Source, I believe there must be a reason for the ego aspect of who I am. I could make all kinds of guesses as to what those reasons may be, but all that really matters in the end is that I accept it as a part of me. In all my resistance to my ego, I discovered that as long as I'm a Human Being, I'm part ego. If I were not a Human Being, I might not have ego; and certainly once this body dies, I will no longer be bound to the ego that lives within its makeup. But for now, I am an ego-linked Human Being. And so the old saying Keep your friends close and your enemies closer is my guide around my ego these days. Not that it's my enemy, but that it is a difficult part of myself to witness since my humanity is so entangled with it.

I don't enjoy being in servitude to my ego - blindly allowing it to dictate my choices and behaviors. To shift this dynamic, I accept that it is a part of who I am, and as with my other "dark sides," I seek to find its gifts. One of those gifts is its knack for independence and uniqueness. My ego is what separates me from everyone and everything else here. It is the part of me that identifies with "I am" and allows me to honor my individuality as I interact with the world. Granted, the ego's version of "I am" is always attached to something, so it is always "I am this" or "I am that." Eckhart Tolle points out that this is because our egos live in a constant sense of lack that leads them to seek to have or be something all the time. And yet, there is no one on the whole planet exactly like me, and my ego not only knows this, but celebrates it! I am a unique contribution to and expression of the Divine. The question is: Who is this "I am," really?

And herein lies the paradox of being Human: "I am" is a false separation because I believe that at my core, I am pure essence and united with all else. The quantum sciences are showing this to be true - that every part of this life is nothing more than energy at its core. And with that energy comes mass, awareness and consciousness. When we take away our physical aspects and drop down deep into the root of be-ing, we find only energy, mass, awareness and the possibility of consciousness. This means that at the quantum level, we live in a energetic soup without a sense of separation yet with pure awareness and possibly even consciousness. Wow - try and wrap your mind around that one!

Yet for now, with my pure essence housed in this physical, sacred vessel, there is ego present. I can do my best to be aware of my ego; to stop over-identifying with it or allowing it to rule my choices and behaviors; to connect more deeply with my pure essence beyond ego, and to live my life from that place more than from my ego. Yet in the end, until I die and shed this body, I have an intimate relationship with my ego, even if I can't identify exactly what my ego is.

I believe that ego and mind are infinitely linked. Language is what links me to my ego; thoughts are the energy that feeds the ego. With language and thoughts come stories and judgements, desires and resistances, attractions and repulsions... dualities. Dualities are a construct of the mind and its language. The dualistic language and stories that my mind creates generate emotions in my body, and if I believe those stories (if I attach meaning to them), I fall into drama and suffering...That is why some - myself included - often refer to it as "Ego Mind" or "Parasite Mind." Eckhart Tolle calls it "the Pain Body." The constructs, stories and attachments of the ego are a mental part of Human be-ing linked to our suffering.

The "non-ego" part of who I am is the part of me that strives to live beyond the mind with its constructs, stories and attachments and in what some call Unity Consciousness - no separation. Non-ego be-ing is based more in the essence of who I am - my purity of be-ing beyond the mind. It's that divine or loving witness part of my Being that is timeless, changeless, deathless and, according to certain Buddhist traditions, primordially pure.The non-ego part of me is the part that is considered my true nature - the part of me that remains after the body dies. Some people call this our "Original Face." This part of be-ing is not limited by a sense of separation, but instead is connected to the whole of the infinite energetic field out of which it is believed we are all born.

In my forthcoming book about our mystical journeys, I describe it this way: "Energy is the common factor in all things. When we distill life down to its roots, it is all energy and space. Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, a Tibetan Bon Buddhist master, explains that 'everything begins with primordial space, the Great Mother from which all things arise, in which all things exist, and into which all things dissolve.' He goes on to say that within this infinite primordial space, energy moves. This energy, also called lung, prana, chi or qui, is pure, boundless and pervasive. No one knows what causes this movement or flow of energy to arise; it simply does. Inseparably bound with this energy is what Rinpoche describes as a 'primordial awareness, pure and without identity.' Energy and awareness exist together, resting neutrally within the infinite space of the Mystery until 'there is movement' and something arises out of the Void - something is born and an energetic pattern emerges."

To unite with this part of my Being or what I call my essential self - the pure essence of who I am - I must detach from my identification with the mind and its antics, and instead, identify with this essential self, even though I cannot completely separate the two while I'm living this Human life.  This is my greatest challenge: To reach toward a place of living in non-ego, I must go about the practice of "un-egoing" myself!

Non-ego be-ing has little to do with the mind and everything to do with the heart. Non-ego be-ing is about shifting my awareness away from identification with my thoughts and feelings, and into identification with my pure essence - that primordially pure part of my Being that is my Original Face. How? How do I do this? Well, this is the journey, isn't it? Life is - if we choose it to be - a process of un-egoing ourselves. The task as I've come to see it is not about purging my ego from my Being, but about befriending my ego within my Being. As a friend, the ego informs me of where my work is to move beyond my fears and into a greater sense of wholeness and love. It shows me where the obstacles to identifying with my Original Face are, so I can do practices to overcome them. Each time I find, heal and release one of those obstacles, I get clearer and clearer in my relationship to my Original Face.

Un-egoing myself means that as a friend, my ego becomes my ally rather than my enemy. I undo it's hidden hold of my thoughts, choices and behaviors, and step into a collaborative and supportive relationship with it instead of a power struggle. By undoing it's hold on me, I un-ego myself, giving my personal power back to my essential self rather than mistakenly giving it to my ego. Eventually, I might reach a time when I am living completely in non-ego. That's the dream though I'm not convinced it can be the reality 100% while I am a Human Being.

My latest challenge at un-egoing myself led me once again down the road to don Miguel Ruiz's four agreements, particularly don't make assumptions and don't take things personally. Yes, these old friends of mine resurfaced in a big way! I recently witnessed myself taking things personally from friends, colleagues and my sweetie, so I brought my attention fully to each experience to see what I could discover. And right there in full view I caught my mind taking their statements and making them about me, filling in gaps with assumptions and stories, wanting to be right, and then judging and criticizing myself for what it created. Oh, my ego is a stinky little devil...

Now, it's true that a creative and active mind can easily jump into assumptions about what these folks really meant by what they said - dissecting and adding to the words between the words that were spoken and making inferences about their true meaning about me. And an even slier mind can use spiritual lingo and concepts to prove its point. And still, these are only assumptions, inferences and stories. In the end, it doesn't matter what their meaning was. All that matters is that I am clear about my own dream and how I choose to live it. I have no control over the perceptions, preferences, needs, desires or repulsions of others. I only have choice around how I hold my own and how I respond to theirs.


 And so I move steadily onward in my journey to un-ego myself along this endless road to liberation. I've learned to keep a close eye on this sly friend, and to appreciate the ego's company for what it offers me: clarity and endless opportunity to clean my Being even more deeply than before.

Fickle Truth

INRI Paris. Copyright 2004.

I watched an amazing documentary last week called Fall From Grace about a well-known preacher man in Topeka, Kansas. He has a church but his family are the only ones who attend. From what I can tell, they believe they preach the word of God straight out of the Bible, and that God elected them to point out the sinning nature of our corrupt American society so that we can all have an opportunity to be saved.

They believe that their message - filled with hate, fear and threats - is affirmed and supported by God Himself because it's written right there in the pages of the Bible in black and white. Apparently the God they believe in condemns, punishes, judges, name-calls, shames, blames, threatens and even kills in the name of righteous indignation, and gives them permission to do the same. (As far as I know, they haven't directly killed anyone yet they strongly and openly support the death of those they condemn.)

This family - under the strong will and loud, demanding voice of their dad - view themselves as devout Christians following the Word and call of God. They believe it is their duty to preach God's truth to the people of this Nation, and apparently they are the only ones who really know what God's truth is, as written in the Bible and interpreted by their dad... as if God Himself hand-selected dear old dad for this hate-filled mission. In their view, the rest of us Americans - including other devout Christians and religious scholars - are blindly missing God's point and they are the only ones who get it...

So I wonder: What is God's Truth and how do we know it? And for that matter, with so many different Words of God out there, who has the right One? Who's interpretation is THE correct one?

I was raised Catholic with a Christian foundation.  I no longer practice Catholicism because I found it lacking. But through the Catholic tradition, I learned about ceremony, ritual and faith. I learned about Jesus and "God" and love. I still don't understand the many contradictions I recognize in the way Catholicism is generally taught and practiced yet I respect those who find peace there, just as I respect other teachings and traditions that folks believe in. Who am I to suppose that my beliefs are the only correct ones in the world or that my God is the only and right God?

I recognize that there are people in the world who feel with all their hearts that the beliefs they've spent a lifetime living by are the right ones. Yet which belief system, which tradition in the world is really "the right one?" Can there be only one right one? And how would we know it; how would we distinguish it from the others? They all have ancient texts and teachings that have been passed down through generations of change and translation. And with so many different cultures out there, why would there be only one way to honor and align with our Divine Source? If we believe that there is one supreme God and that we are all born of this God, is it true that all roads really do lead to this One God?

Black Cross. Copyright 2009. 

Today I describe myself as a deeply spiritual Being but not religious. I am just as passionate about my beliefs as others are about theirs. I have my own relationship with God - that Divine Source of all things - and I honor it by living a life filled with as much love as possible. This doesn't mean that I always succeed but it means that I do my best to let love lead my thoughts, beliefs and actions. 

Today my beliefs rest in the notion of an All-Loving, All-Knowing (Omniscient), All-Powerful (Omnipotent) and Infinite (Omnipresent) God. To me, condemnation, separation, punishment, judgement, slander, shame, blame, hate, fear and threats are not a part of such a God. The way I understand it, we are created in God's likeness and image, not the other way around. To impose the limitations of humanity on an All-Loving, Omniscient, Omnipotent and Omnipresent Being is merely human error-thinking based in limited ego-mind.  

Thinking about God is different from feeling into God. For when we think about  God, all we find is the limited perspective and fears of our own human ego-mind; yet when we feel into God, we find the perfection of pure love that resides in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, infinite presence.

My wish for today is that every Human Being feel their heart filled with the Grace of God as pure, divine love.

Sacred Intent for the New Year

We're four days into the new year and folks are all about new year's resolutions. Personally, I turned in my resolutions years ago for intentions. My dictionary says that resolution is "boldness and firmness of purpose" while intention is  "an aim or purpose." Call it semantics if you want, but it feels like a softer, gentler, more focused way to hold my energy for the year.

When we set intentions, we are putting things into motion on an energetic level. This is why it is so important to hold intentions in a sacred way. They are powerful acts of creation. When we set an intent, we are, in fact, creating a movement of energy in the infinite field of energy that we live in. We are asking for something new and specific to arise, and we are saying no to what no longer serves us. This is a sacred act not to be taken lightly. In taking such things lightly, we risk creating chaos in our lives.

This is a great time to take stock of our past resolutions or intentions, to choose again what we want to carry forward and what we want to let go of, and then to consciously cut from what we're leaving behind. Consciously cutting from what we no longer want in life is as important as choosing what we want. It frees up the energy we had invested in the old thing to feed the new thing we want today.

 We are allowed to change our minds and change our direction; things change all the time. To ignore the changes means we are not present with what is. We can drag all the old stuff forward if we want, but all it does is weigh us down, slow our movement and add confusion to our journey. Now is the perfect time to review our old intentions and revise them, updating them to the newest version of who we are.

The funny thing about intentions is that they are a two-part process: we have them, we hold them with 100% commitment and yet we surrender them at the same time. Well, we don't really surrender them; we surrender how we think they should look. Usually when we set an intent, our mind butts in and tells us how it should look when the intent is met - how we will know we've succeeded. But the reality is that our mind doesn't see past our nose, so the picture it gives us is very limited and limiting. The mind wants us to believe that what we want is impossible or unobtainable for whatever reasons it conjures up. If we let it, it can stop us in our tracks...

That's why it's important to let go of the image the mind creates as the measure of whether or not we've been successful in our intentions. It's about releasing attachment to the outcome and opening up to the infinite possibilities. The feeling state of what we want to achieve seeds the Universe with what we are asking for; it's the vibration that the Universe responds to. So we let go of the how ("How will this happen? How will this look? How is this possible?") and focus our energy on the what. What is it that we want to feel when we meet our intent?

This is a great year to open up to the infinite possibilities surrounding our intents and invite the Universe to be creative in supporting their expression in our lives. We must open the eyes of our hearts to see the possibilities most clearly. They may not look at all like our mind imagines them, but that doesn't mean they didn't show up. If we limit our view to that of our mind and to what it thinks things are supposed to look like or how they're supposed to happen, we might easily miss what it is when it actually shows up!

I am reminded of how powerful it is to celebrate each intent and hold gratitude for each step we make toward it. Even the ones we let go of and cut from are important markers along our journey. What we don't choose is just as significant as what we do choose. Each choice is an expression of our being; each thing we accept or reject is a reflection of who we are in this moment. Take nothing for granted.

It's easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves for not meeting our new year intentions. Be aware of this trap! Instead of judging yourself this year, take time to reflect on and decide if each intent you set is really what you want, and then celebrate your freedom to choose anew as you move your life forward.

Happy New Year, my friends. May you be inspired by the infinite possibilities of life.

Priscilla & The Way

Meet "Priscilla." Priscilla is a beautiful garden spider that set up house on the back  of my office wall outside. She has been there (to my noticing) for about a month. When I first saw her, she was big and vibrant, sitting in the center of a large, intricate web design. When I introduced myself to her, she shared that her name was "Priscilla," adding quite clearly that she was in no way prissy.

Beneath the roof above her was a large round egg sack. A few days later, a second egg sack appeared. I figure she must be pretty stout to create not one but two egg sacks... Priscilla stayed just below the sacks for weeks, diligently rebuilding her web whenever it got damaged. Then about a week ago she relocated herself around the corner of the building, leaving her egg sacks well sheltered and protected.

This week, I watched her slowly fade. Her body went from full and vibrant to shriveled, dull, and dark. Knowing that she was dying, I spoke to her daily, reassuring her that her egg sacks were healthy and safe, and that I would make sure they survived until birth.

Yesterday when I visited Priscilla, she looked and felt very weak in her web. An hour later, she abandoned her web for a single thread which she hoisted herself up onto. She clung there, weakly, for maybe half an hour until she dropped to the ground, nearly lifeless. I took the liberty of picking her up, showing her the safe, healthy egg sacks one last time, and placing her among flowers and greenery in my garden beneath my office window for her final rest.

Priscilla reminded me of the beauty and power of The Way. All things arise from the infinite field of energy, exist for a period of time, and then dissolve away again, having left something behind for those remaining. Although we grieve the surrendering, it is a gift and an integral part of the cycle of all things. Without the shedding of what's served it's purpose and expired, there would be no space or nourishment for the new to arise.

I am reminded of my own tiny deaths each day - the parts of me that I surrender for new parts to be born. From Priscilla's death will come hundreds of baby spiders! I am watching anxiously and excitedly for them to appear from their healthy egg sacks, and am wondering with as much excitement about what will arise in my own life from my upcoming death.

For in just 11 days, another cycle of my life will unfold: I will die and be reborn, free of what no longer serves my highest good and my ability to be of service to the Divine. This is the end of a conscious year of living and life - the end of my A Year To Live adventure. What is beyond it, I don't  know. That's the mystery of the other side: we don't know until we're there.

If you want to take a peek to the other side, consider joining me for a fun and full Dia de los Muertos workshop (http://www.myinnerscapes.com/workshops/) on November 29th, perfectly timed when the veils are thinnest. Learn about the special energy of Day of the Dead, glimpse into the other realm through a psychic medium, make objects for your own altar, and leave with a fun goodies bag to get you in the spirit.

Death is not our enemy but our ally. Celebrate The Way!

A moment of panic

Wow - I'm at an even 100 days left to live...

I had an interesting drive the other day while pondering my approaching death. I looked up into the sky and was touched by the beauty of the clouds, and in particular, an open spot that went through the clouds and seemed to go off into infinity.

Suddenly I became aware that my feelings had shifted from a place of beauty and openness to sadness.  

When I looked more deeply inside, I realized that the sadness was around the idea of no longer being here - of no longer being a part of all the physical beauty here. I was thrown backwards into an old question that used to plague my mind: "What happens after we die? Where will I go? Will I be aware of any of this? Connected to any of it? How sad that I won't be able to feel things the way I do now."

I tried to calm my emotions and my mind by connecting to that sense of Oneness, interconnectedness and bliss that I've touched beyond this physical life, yet I was unable to. I could not find the feeling state in my body; I could not remember it or connect with it in that moment. I tried recalling an experience when I felt it strongly, but I struggled to hold on to it. My mind panicked then, almost shouting at me: "Oh no! You can't remember! You've lost it! And what if it's all just a lie? What then? You'll be nothing! You won't be able to feel anything, do anything, experience any of this! What if it's nothingness after death? And just what IS nothingness??"

I haven't gotten stuck in such a state in years, so the feeling of it was uncomfortable. I held it, knowing that it might surely be possible; that such an ending might be true because I don't know what the truth is. And then I went back to holding open the possibility that it's more than that; that there is something after  death, but I just don't know what.

Then I was able to drop out of the panic I had generated and return to the present moment of enjoying the beautiful clouds and the sky. I thought about all the things I love in my life - the people, the places, the work I do, my home and pets, so many things about my life that I love these days - and I felt deeply for the first time in a while how empty I might feel without access to them in the physical way that I have now. And I wondered if I will miss them when I die as much as I imagine that I will while I'm alive...

Gifts from Angels

This little fawn was born in our yard yesterday morning. She followed Momma from the back field to the front yard and got tired. Momma parked the little tot in one of our flower beds, sheltered by a small Salvia bush, and then went about her business. She was gone for hours.

The fawn hardly moved and was fairly well camouflaged by the bush. She rested there all day before the Momma retrieved her in the late afternoon. At one point, we put a water bowl near her and she scampered off a few feet to a new spot at the foot of the Tiger Irises. I got a clear picture of her there...  adorable! I named her "Angel."

This fawn is such a great reminder of the natural cycle of all things: they arise, exist, and fall away again at some point. Everything obeys this law; nothing is immune to it... except our Essence. 

As this precious fawn was born into the physical realm, it obeyed this cycle, arising from Essence into physical existence. When my body takes its last breath here, "I" will fall away from physical existence and into Essence, also obeying this cycle. It is an infinite cycle, and I'm grateful for it. 

Check the message on the clay pot in the flower bed; how perfect. The Angel of Death is an Angel, after all. What she brings us is a gift, one of the grandest: true freedom.  

Death remains a mystery

A friend of mine shared an experience today that touched me deeply. It was about an upcoming move and how she will miss the people, places, and things she's become intimate with there. The crux of it was how strange it felt to know that they will all continue on without her when she's gone. She compared the feeling to how she imagined that of a dying person when visiting with folks for the last time: separate, disconnected, and "ghostly," knowing that you will soon be the only missing piece to the puzzle you are observing.

It opened my eyes to the truth that thinking, reading, studying, writing, and speaking about the kind of separation and disconnection that death brings is one thing; actually moving through it is a completely different thing...

Holding gratitude for what's come and gone from life is one thing; holding the loss of your own absence in death is another... Because it feels to me that although there is "instant" physical separation, there is not "instant" energetic disconnection in the purest sense. There always feels to be an energetic connection unless or until I break it, consciously, with a shamanic practice. And even then, in the most subtle realms of being, I feel we are all always energetically connected.

Will this feel different when we actually die? Will the energetic separation and "disconnection" be just as clear as the physical one, or will it feel in that realm - merged within the All, the One - the same as it feels in this realm... so that there is no true separation or disconnection in the end, energetically? Just physically? Or will it just not matter at that point? No body; no ego; no care...? It feels to me that this is just a non-issue in the energetic realm, but that's just a sense, not a knowing. I won't know until I get there.

What I do know is that in my own "Near Death Experience" several years ago, those kinds of things simply weren't a part of the mix. It was all about the beautiful feeling of whatever that Source was that was gently tugging at me... and it WAS beautiful. Part of me really didn't care about anything else but going there. I didn't though, so I can't say for certain what it is like once "there," wherever that is...

I am still here, in this physical realm, dancing with the concept of death, yet not able to really know what it is like until I die... So, onward through the fog of "life" I go.

A Teacher Commeth

Sunday morning when I awoke, I peered out into our back acre and saw "our" Momma deer with her precious spotty-skinned twins and another female deer. We've been watching them grow up all season, keeping them well fed with high protein pellets and chicken scratch, and keeping plenty of water in their bucket.

As I watched the babies frolic about in the field, I glimpsed something else moving amongst them. It was keeping a low profile, slipping through the tall grasses and nearby brush. Finally, it showed itself: it was a beautiful fox. Its face was white and its eyes were outlined in thick black lines making them stand out as if it were dolled up for an evening out on the town. Its tail was thick with red and black fur; its body was a smooth blend of brown, beige, and black fur. This fox was an absolute beauty.

The deer weren't too concerned with it; the adults continued to eat and the babies continued to play, yet they all seemed to keep half-an-eye on it. The fox didn't seem interested in the deer at all. It was roaming through the grasses and brush as if looking for something, yet I'm not sure what. That might explain where the chickens went; there was a Momma hen with five chicks out there until about a week ago...

I walked out there to put some protein feed and chicken scratch down for the deer, and added some dry dog food for the fox, though I think the deer ate it all anyway. As I was putting out the feed, several adult deer (two young bucks with small, fuzzy antlers; two pregnant females; and a number of does) emerged from our bamboo forest and stood before me, staring, waiting. A couple of the more brave ones approached and began to eat while I was still pouring feed into small piles about the bare patches of dirt in our field. Once I moved into our nearby shed, the rest approached and all of them ate in silence for several minutes, completely engaged in their munching.

When the deer finished their meal and retreated once again to the cool shade and dense coverage of our bamboo forest, the fox appeared in the open field looking for leftovers. It was as if she'd just teleported herself to that spot; one minute the field was empty, the next minute she was there, sniffing about. I'm not sure she found any chow but I was heartily impressed with her ability to hide herself as she moved. Before I knew it, she was hidden again in the nearby brush...sly as a fox.

I don't know if she'll stick around and I'm not sure I want her to. Our cats might not appreciate that either. In fact, I went looking for the smallest of our two cats after I lost sight of the fox, having seen our bigger cat already that morning. As I scanned our yard for her, it occurred to me that the fox just might have eaten her for supper that night, although she is a fabulous hunter and climber herself, and generally easily eludes any predators.

I was surprised to notice that as much as I love my precious "Tooter" cat, the thought of her becoming fox food did not disturb me as much as it once would have. "Hmmm. That's odd," I thought, "Something like that would have set me into a panic before." As I looked about the yard, I imagined that I might find signs of her carcass there, so I prepared myself for such a discovery; yet I was not upset by the thought. What arose for me instead was, "Well, that's the natural cycle of things. A fox has got to eat!" And I knew that my little Tooter would have given that fox a run for its money, so that if in the end she'd "lost" the chase, she would have done so with vigor, pride, and honor. What an amazing role model for this journey - to live with all the fullness you can muster up to your very last breath...

I'm not sure why this beauty showed up in our yard Sunday, yet I am grateful for it. This fox showed me three things: First, how far I've come on this journey with Lady Death, as the thought of losing what I love no longer distresses me to the degree that it once did;

Second, how comfortable I'm becoming with the natural flow and cycle of things - that infinite rhythm of arising, existing, and falling away again;

And third, how unattached I can hold to the things in my life - even those things that I love with all my heart - unattached, yet fully committed and in deep, intimate relationship with them. That's a good thing, I think. It's something I've been striving for... to live with 100% passion and commitment to the gifts in my life, yet with 0% attachment to any of it. This beautiful fox gave me an opportunity to see how important that is, and how natural it feels, too. My body can feel the fluidity of and freedom from such a rhythm, though at times, part of me still wants to rebel against the letting go. Anymore, I ultimately pull in tremendous gratitude for those things that come and go from my life, for all of them are powerful teachers if I invite them to be.

And so this adventure though A Year To Live continues to roll forward, leaving me with only a few more months to learn and prepare for my very last breath.
 
Will I be able to live with all the fullness I can muster right up until that last breath releases my body?

Celebrate - Part 4

“We are infinite, boundless, energetic somethings using a human body here. Oh the joy I will feel when I am free of this body!”

If you read Celebrate - Part 3, you recognize that quote. It is my hope that it is true. And now I see that it is also my attachment. It's what I'd like death to mean or be. And what if it's not? That is part of what I must surrender during what’s left of my Year to Live. It’s just an idea of what physical death may bring, yet I cannot know if it is the truth.

And what if it’s not? What if there’s something strange, uncomfortable, uncontrollable, or empty after this? Or what if there’s nothing after this? Then what? Will I know it? Will I have consciousness and know that what’s happening is not what I imagined or wanted or hoped for? Will I care? Will anyone care?

That's something to consider; not necessarily what comes next, but rather, my attachment to what comes next. Can I simply open to whatever it is without holding an idea of what I think it is or what I want it to be? Can I really get to a place of neutrality around what comes next?

How many days do I have left??????????

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.