Heart Matters

For the past few weeks there's been a drama happening in a dear family I know. One of the women discovered that her husband had "cheated" on her. First I will say that when someone leaves "evidence" in a vulnerable place, maybe it's true that some part of them wanted it to be found, perhaps to end the sneaking, guilt, fear and discomfort that goes with being out of your own integrity and living a lie every day. Perhaps as a catalyst for something to change that was well past its time. Perhaps as a chicken's way out of admittance. Who can really say, but somehow, some way, these types of secrets always surface.

Once when I was going through a similar situation of feeling deeply betrayed by a partner, someone said to me "Well, isn't it better to know the truth?" My answer was "Yes" although I would have preferred that the truth had always been exposed rather than it slipping through a crack in the foundation to knock me off my feet after months of what felt like secrecy and lies by omission. When you have a heart agreement with someone, to find out that they disregarded it is deeply wounding. Everything you might initially feel toward them winds up being used against yourself: the disappointment, loathing, doubt, judgement, anger, hurt, blame, etc. It's a tangled up emotional mess.

As the story of this particular situation continues to unfold, more and more drama arises. Details are being uncovered that shine a bright light on the lies that have been told; emotions are blazing; gossip is stirring... This beautiful family has been flung head-first into an ocean of confusion, anger, hurt and fear. They are all in what I call high reaction.

There's a question of whether a lie detector test should be used on the husband. "Really? Why?" I asked. Their answer: Because she wants to know how many other lies there have been.

Huh. I had a lot of questions about this choice. What difference would a lie detector test make (especially with all the false readings they give)? She already knows he is capable of lying (we all are) and that he has lied to her on several occasions now. What will the lie detector test add? Does she want an exact count of the number of times he's lied? Does she want to know how recently he lied? Does she want to know just how big of a liar he is? Does she want to know just how false her idea of their marriage is? Does she want to be right? Is she looking for some kind of validation or justification?

But my biggest question is: Should we really trust the technology of a lie detector test above the truth of a human heart?


To me, the only question to ask now is "How willing is she to risk trusting him again?" Maybe that's what she's trying to decide based on just how big of a liar she finds him to be...

Then the conversation turned to the concept of love. The husband says he still loves his wife and that the "other" doesn't mean anything. Really? Then why did he do it (and more than once)? Why did he lie about it? Why didn't he speak to his wife about their marriage before things reached the point of betrayal? None of us can really answer these questions with any certainty. While it may be true that the human heart is a dynamic and mysterious part of our Being whose trappings we can't always predict, things like honesty, openness and integrity are things we choose. As it is possible to be swept up in the emotion or energy of a moment, isn't it just as possible not to be?

How much choice do we really have in love? And is love nothing more than what we make it?