Sounds of Silence - Part 2

Wow - what an experience silence was! It did not unroll as I intended. In fact, I broke my silence completely on Friday... Yep - just one day after I started it. I'm still unraveling everything that arose for me during that time, but here's what I got so far:

I am angry... Yep - angry. Part of me has risen up in protest to all the things that are asked of me every day. It says "I don't ask for much from people, and all I asked for was one day of silence - just one!"And even that was not possible.


People pulled at me all day long, asking for things - things that required words. One friend even asked "Are you really not talking or just...." Just what? Pretending to be in silence? What kind of a question is that? Would I have been wearing a sign around my neck that said "I am in Silence" if I weren't really in silence?

So I talked. I talked just about whenever someone asked me to. This is not being in silence. There were moments when I tried to communicate with gestures; it just got too complicated. It was just easier to talk. And believe me - I know it's not because what I have to say is so important.

I found it interesting to watch how things unfolded in my silence, and how it felt to have the people around me getting frustrated and uneasy with me not talking. I felt them pulling at me for this or that; that's the best way I can describe it. They wanted me to do and be who I always was, not this silent person with nothing to offer. A couple of friends asked in frustration or confusion "Didn't you get the email?" because I was offline all day. I felt like they needed something from me that they weren't getting in my silence, and this made both of us uncomfortable.

This is valuable information for me! I get to look at what I thought would happen if I maintained silence despite their pulling. And I get to look at all the ways I work to keep things steady and stable around me... to feel comfortable myself I imagine... to live up to some kind of identity I have. So I ask myself now: "Who would I be without that identity?" That's a question worth exploring.

I really got to see how uncomfortable folks are with silence and even with the idea of silence. When I'd show them my sign, most people would whisper "Oh!" and tip-toe away as if they had to be silent around me too. It was hilarious! Two friends canceled a dinner meeting with me and my sweetie because they wanted to "talk and catch up," and felt uncomfortable with me in silence. Why? I can still listen and laugh and participate... just without my own words. So what? What's the big deal about that? I sensed their judgement around my choice and could practically hear them joking about it even though I never saw them that day. It felt disrespectful; that's all I know.

So overall, I'd say that the part of my experience that was around being silent failed for the most part. But the experience itself was a huge success. I learned so many things about my self and my life that I hadn't quite seen in the way I did that day. Now I am determined to go into silence again, but this time for real, some time before I die in November. I don't know for how long, but I know I will revisit this practice; only this time, I will not break it for the comfort or convenience of myself or anyone else. This time, I will move beyond the discomfort to see what's there.

Mind Games

This morning I took my dog for a walk. On the way home while stopped at a light, I had an interesting impulse: "Use the visor to block the sun..." I heard my mind say, and my hand went habitually to pull the visor over to the window. But a half-instant later I realized that this mental impulse was contrary to what I felt, which was to turn my face to the sun and enjoy its warmth on my skin. So I returned the visor to its storage place, closed my eyes and turned my face to the sun, smiling as I took in its beautiful light and warmth.

"How many times a day," I thought, "do mental impulses like this one lead me to do things that I don't really want to do? Out of habit? Or unconsciousness? Or from a lack of presence?" This one small incident of "catching my mind in the act" raised a whole new level of awareness for me.

Sometimes I call that kind of mental rambling "a runaway train." I've learned that if I focus on even one of those thoughts - one of those cars on that train - my thoughts go running away along the rest of the train until I am so far down the tracks from the present moment that I miss it completely.

The trick, I've learned, is not to follow even one of those cars beyond its usefulness. It might be helpful for me to attend to the thought, "Did I turn off the hose?" but it's not useful for me to then go running through every car on that train: "If I didn't, the water bill is going to be SO high! I can't believe I didn't turn off the hose. I can't believe that I forgot again! No - maybe I DID turn off the hose... did I? I can't remember. Maybe I should run home and check after I finish this? It's so hot; what a waste of water! We're trying so hard to conserve and then I leave the hose on again! Stupid me! Maybe I could call someone to check it for me...." and on and on and on.

Not only does the mind take off down the train tracks, but it judges me in the process, making me feel doubly bad. It doesn't say "Well, if the hose IS on, the grass and trees are getting a good soak!" No, it creates a disaster. And the humor is that I probably did turn off the hose! And even if I didn't, it's not the end of the world, but that's what the mind wants me to believe. It goes into what some folks call "disaster mind" and makes a huge deal out of a silly little thing like maybe leaving the hose on.

Today I was gently reminded of the games my mind plays so habitually at times that it's easy for me to miss, opening the door for disaster mind and a lack of presence. I caught it this morning; I'm happy for that. I've been practicing feeling my way through the world rather than thinking it so much. Today I got a clear view of the difference between the two, and I'm definitely more interested in the feeling of it...

Counting my way down to "my final hour" is bringing much more of this type of presence into my life. I am grateful for that. I have 109 days left to live now; I really want to be present for all of them...

Fire Speaks

I took a walk in the woods this afternoon to clear my head of computer work and prepare my spirit for writing. There is a nice breeze today although it's a warm, summer one. The sun is shining hot between spotty clouds.

As I walked along the trail, I fell into some energetic practices of clearing the circuits in my body. Then I  connected deeply with the Elements in and around me: Air - the breeze and my breath;  Fire - the sun and my spirit; Earth - the ground beneath my feet and my body; and Water - puddles from recent rains and my sweat. Between the breeze on my skin, the sweat on my body, and the spotty shade from cedar trees and clouds, I actually experienced some moments of feeling cool as I walked, even though it was nearly 90 degrees.

I sent out a question to the Sun and to the Element of Fire asking for guidance on how to best serve them for a particular post I hold with the Toltec Center, and the answer I got was a perfectly shaped heart rock. I spotted it on the path just as I took my next step; in fact, I nearly stepped on it. And then, the message came: "Open your heart even bigger than you already have. Yes - even BIGGER!"

I smiled at this answer and walked on with delight. Not two steps later came the most gorgeous little snake - a pretty little fellow with a bold pattern and no rattle. Knowing a bit about Texas snakes, I decided it was (probably) not a threat to me. So unless it was a "rattle-less rattlesnake" (and I've learned that there is such a beast), I figured it was harmless. It had stopped along the edge of the path, barely visible among the grasses and shadows there.

We checked each other out quickly and hesitantly, he more than I. I moved in for a closer look; he didn't move. I felt his nervousness with my size and I thought, "Geez, I must feel HUGE to you!" So I gave him some space and he turned to slither off into the grass.

"Thanks for the message, you beauty!" I offered as he left. And then I set about to retrieve whatever it was I was thinking about when I saw the little guy, knowing that in the shamanic world, this is significant information. "What was it? Oh yes - it was about opening my heart even bigger."

Yet there was another piece that had already slipped my awareness, which returned to me when I went back over it. It was about using more energy to open my heart even bigger, and to hold that task just as importantly as I hold all the others. I might have missed that piece altogether had I not taken a moment to reflect upon it. So "Thank you" again, dear snake friend.

Just returning to the thought of that brings a smile to my face. Living with an open heart is freedom. It's joy, passion, love and truth. It's integrity and authenticity. Sometimes it's even scary, hard and sad, yet it's what's real to me anymore. The rest just feels like lies - distortions of the truth of who I am, who we all are - as part of a divine, whole Source.

So that's my latest challenge on this year to live: to open my heart up even bigger and to live from that place in all I do...

143 days ... Is that enough time??

This Is It

Last night I finally watched the DVD This Is It about Michael Jackson. What I learned is that I didn't know the man at all; nor did I understand him. He was an American Icon, and The King of Pop is certainly a valid title to give him. Yet, he was - is - so much more than that.

To society, Michael Jackson was a controversial figure that got pushed from one extreme of "Beloved Superstar" to the other of "Rejected Weirdo." And to some, he was even labeled a pervert, based on nothing more than carefully spun lies, accusations, and media dramatization.

The DVD gave me a bit of an inside peek at the man that was Michael. And as I watched the unfolding documentary of what was to be his final concert tour, I realized that I was seeing the man for the first time - not through the distortions of society, but through a clear and undistorted camera lens without agenda...nothing more. And there he was: Michael. And he was beautiful.

Not that I ever held anything against him; no. It's just that I never took the time to see beyond all the hype to the true man. All I was privy to came through the distorted filters of the media or even at times, his own family. I chose not to give any of it much attention or energy, but what that left me with was a shadowy concept of who Michael Jackson really was.

Watching him last night - looking deeply into his energy -  I saw a man struggling to express the fullness of his beauty, yes; yet also a man emanating nothing but pure love for all the people - the dancers, musicians,  managers, stagehands, techs, and on and on and on - that were working for him. He held them like family, so they weren't working for him, but with him. The manager said it beautifully when he told the newly chosen dancers, "The dancers are an extension of MJ," and they were. Everyone was. They were all held as an extension of Michael, for him, with him. Like family. It was truly beautiful.

 The other thing I saw was a man with a vision - a vision of a world free of separation.... separation from ourselves, from each other, from the Earth... Through Michael's eyes, I could see a world of one loving family among all things. He was a perfectionist to be sure, yet this tendency supported the depth of his vision -  the vision he was trying to convey to the masses - of a free world. Free of hate; free of distortion; free of separation; free of rejection; free of destruction... He could see it; he could feel it; and I understood last night how deeply he wanted to share it so that it might be created.

And I began to understand the depth of the man himself - Michael Jackson. Such a depth he had that few could grasp it. When something was out of alignment with his vision, he'd simply bring it back on track. There was never any yelling, blaming, accusing, chastising, etc... no drama at all. He'd simply state what his vision was and how the execution of it was lacking, and then give the tempo or a description of what he was wanting, and move on... no energy behind it; just conviction to meet his vision 100%. He'd simply snap his fingers to the proper tempo so folks could get it; or move into a brief example of the way the rhythm of the dance paused for a bit, off tempo; or he'd say something like, "You've got to let it simmer there. Just let it simmer." And the folks knew exactly what he was going for then, and would get right back on track with it. And then Michael would smile and say, "God bless you" and mean it - not just because they did what he wanted, but because to him, what they were doing was truly beautiful and he wanted it to be executed in as pure a way as possible.

And WOW what a master he was! So SMOOTH in both voice and movement; so completely expert in the art of his life, and as the artist of his life. When I realized that he had choreographed the entire show, I was beyond impressed. Yet, the man's heart and vision went so far beyond that, and that's what really impressed me. He was after the feeling state and the energetic perception of his audiences. That was clear. Every tiny little bit of that show was geared toward opening people up to a certain feeling and to connect them with his message on a deep and personal level. And in my view, his message was simple: LOVE. Love yourself, love each other, love the Planet.

I did love Michael Jackson. I felt sorry for him, too. I honored his journey and his soul. Yet now, with a clearer perspective of the man, I love him even more. I might even put him in the category of "unsung hero" or even "spiritual master" despite the reality that his teachings remained largely hidden through the eyes of society and within the dramas of his life. Yet that doesn't mean that they weren't there. Clearly they were and are, at least to those who look through the eyes of their heart rather than through the distorted lens of society.

How interesting it is to me that he called this tour "This Is It" and it was. It makes me wonder how broadly he held the meaning behind that title, how expansive the message was to him, and how personally it touched him. Even from the documentary, it is clear how intimately he felt the message, and how strongly he felt about conveying it, for it was a message of not only the man, but of the deepest part of the man's heart. And that is not something to be taken lightly.

Michael Jackson, I have learned from you, I have grown from you, and I have been touched by you. May you rest in the peace, grace, love, and light that you were born to shine for the rest of us. And may I have even a glimmer of that to offer the world when I die...

©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.