Yesterday I got a clear reflection of where I am today when an old "thorn" thrust itself into my beautiful day...
"Wow, he's really PISSED!" I thought, as this person raged over the phone. What was different for me this time is that I did not identify with it; I did not take it personally, take it on, or take it in... well, that's not exactly true. I held my energy centered, listened to the energy of what he was expressing, felt the intensity of his body as he tried to navigate his way through the emotional eruption, and then, when he was done and said he was going to hang up, I simply said, "I love you" and hung up. And then I felt compassion for him, for the suffering he creates in his life and for the poison he spews out to those who love him.
I had an instant - well, maybe a few moments really - of questioning myself, of doubting and scolding myself ("How could I have missed that? I was so careful! I can't believe I did it again; I pissed him off again..."), and of judging him ("He's made up all these stories about me in his head, and now he's searching for proof that he's right! He just looks for data to validate his perception of me, and that's all he sees.") It's that part of me that, after all these years, still wants him to see me the way I see myself; still wants him to like me, respect me, appreciate me, love me. I don't like the stories or the person he's created me into; I want him to see the real me!
And then I see it: I'm just like him: I want to be right - about me. There's the "hook!" The game I'm playing is really no different from his. I see myself a certain way and I want him to see me that way too, instead of the way he does. I've made up my own stories of me and am searching for proof that I'm right; and all I see are the things that support my perception of myself; and I reject the things that don't... Wow. My game is no different from his; it just looks a bit different.
So there's a piece of work to be done - clearing old fears and beliefs that drive that train. What parts of this energy do I own and how can I shift them? "Yay!" I say to myself: "That's great information!" And then, I realize just how far I've come since I began this journey years ago. Used to, an incident like that would have floored me - dropped me right down to my knees in emotional pain. It would have knocked the breath right out of me and I would have taken it all in and on as somehow my fault, judging myself as not good enough, not worthy, and not lovable...never even considering that his perception really has little to do with me because it's nothing more than his story of me.
Today, I get clarity, and through the clarity I can take action that is aligned with what I'm creating - with the me that I'm consciously becoming. I can feel compassion for him and for myself, for our shared journeys, and for our internal distortions. And I can thank him for being such a spectacular teacher for me, supporting me in moving my own soul ever closer to its truth. And I can smile, filled with love for each one of us, even if he doesn't know it. And I can breathe in the peace that comes with having an open, spacious heart no matter what.
Ah - so that's what it feels like. That's how it feels to stand in my own integrity and to honor it, while honoring others as they stand in theirs too, however it looks and however it feels. I mean INTEGRITY with a capital 'I' - that inner truth that is uniquely mine based on my own perceptions, beliefs, etc. There's no right or wrong; there just is. He is and I am - we both are doing our best in each moment with the information that we have at the time. And that's a beautiful thing because that's all we can really ever do.
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
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