Not Doing

Yesterday I did two unusual things - one that I haven't done since high school and another that I've never done. I chose to do them as part of the "winding down" phase of this A Year To Live process noting that I have just over two months left until my symbolic death.

First, I committed to spending my morning "not doing." The funny part of it was that I got up at 5:30 a.m. and did the usual morning things I do (like feed and water the pets, empty the A/C water bucket, put out mail, wash dishes, see my sweetie off, etc.) so that I could create the space to "not do." It was as if my mind said "OK; you can not do after you do these things! That will buy you some time!" How funny that is!

 But I guess it worked because by 6:30 a.m. I was back in bed determined to not do anything - not even meditate or sleep - for an unknown period of time... just lay there and not do. And that's what I did. I laid there and listened for a world on the move without me. My mind was sure I would hear it and feel frustrated. Only I didn't hear anything, which is extremely unusual; the world outside sounded and felt silent.

I spent the next block of space slipping in and out of dreaming though my mind did not retain any details of them. When I felt it was time for me to get up, I did; it was 10:30 a.m.! I had been laying there for four hours not doing... or at least not intentionally doing. I hadn't stayed in bed that long since high school!

What I noticed from this practice was how many things would not get done without me here to do them. Other people would be stuck doing them instead; or they simply would not get done. Even the tiniest of things like petting the cat or emptying the trash might not get done or at least not when they are usually done. Will that really matter when I'm not here? Or will these things be forgotten?

I noticed my mind asking "Where are the places that I will be missed?" and then trying to find them among the things that were tugging at me for doing. Ah - ego identity. That's something worth clearing before I die...

As to the second thing I did, check my next blog...