Altared States

 This morning I took the time to do some spiritual practices that I used to do daily, but have fallen out of the habit: 9 Breaths of Purification, Tsa Lung, Seed Syllables, Grand Circuit Breathing... It felt SO good! While doing the Grand Circuit Breathing, I reached that place of simple awareness, meaning that I dropped out of my physical being and slipped into a state of awareness that was beyond what I usually experience.

My mind popped forward and wanted to question it since it didn't take me long to get there. But this wasn't about my mind; it was about my energy and awareness, so I invited my mind to move to the background and be quiet... which it was willing to do for short periods of time. Each time it re-arose and wanted to be "scientific" and "inquisitive" and "blahblahblah-ing," I simply and lovingly sent it back to its space of silent observation; and I reassured it that I would take time to ponder the points it was stirring about later.

Now is the "later" I promised my mind, so here are my ponderings: That place I reached can best be described as emptiness and fullness at the same time. That's how it feels to me when I'm there - like I'm empty of everything and full of everything at the same time. There's no longing or desire or attachment to anything; there's just complete resting into what is. And what is feels like all and nothing at once. It's a sense of wholeness that is hard to put to words.

That sense of wholeness is what I had trouble connecting to in the experience I wrote about last week. I reminded myself that what I'm doing during this year to live - or at least part of what I'm doing - is preparing myself to die. What does that mean, exactly?

For me, there are at least three parts to this process:
1. Cleaning up my personal relationships - saying what I need to say to people so that I feel right and clear with them - so that there's no baggage there to leave behind.

2. Getting my life in order so that there's not a big mess for anyone to have to deal with when I die. My will and all my medical wishes are updated and in order. I've selected folks for specific jobs and they have agreed and signed off on the necessary legal papers for it. My partner and closest friends know my wishes and preferences surrounding what to do with my body and how to celebrate my transformation. And I've written a letter to my family and to those carrying out my wishes just to clarify what they are and to reassure everyone that these are indeed my wishes. Just to be certain, I had them notorized.

3. Most importantly, it means getting myself ready for the transformation. This year-long journey is founded in Stephen Levine's book A Year To Live. He does a beautiful job of giving practices to prepare the energy body for its departure out of the physical body, so that when the physical body dies (or stops functioning, completes its cycle...falls away), the energetic one can easily release into whatever is next. A big part of it seems to be getting the mind's  acceptance and cooperation around its powerlessness in this process. My belief is that when we die, the mind no longer functions as we know it in the physical sense, but our transcendent awareness does...or maybe that's my hope!

The state I reached today gives me hope that upon my physical death, I will surely be freed into the state of energy and awareness that so many enlightened beings speak of; that death of the physical will truly be birth of the Spirit; that release of the mind's fear is the pathway to true freedom; and that I will continue to exist yet not from ego, but from a purity of Energy, Awareness, and Love.