Over the weekend I realized that August of next year - 2011 - will mark the 10th anniversary of my niece's death. I'm not sure why I thought of it; maybe because one of my other nieces is driving now. I thought, "Wow... she, too, would be driving now... and next year, she would be 18 and graduating from high school." The thought made me sad that we won't get to witness her doing those things; and I felt sad for her mother, father, and brother. Yet overall, I felt nothing but love for her and for them. She was such a beautiful human being, even at her young age. She died shortly after turning 8 years old.
Today, I remember her with love and gratitude in my heart until it nearly bursts...
Oh - the things I've learned through her life and "death." I just don't want to forget how precious it all is, this life. Thank you, sweet Bria, for reminding me...
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
23 February 2010
22 February 2010
Celebrate - Part 3
The grief we experience following a loved one’s death is for us, not them, because it is us who will miss them, not they who will miss us. We grieve because there’s a void we must fill now, where they once were in our hearts and lives; and because it’s sad and hard to say goodbye to someone we love so deeply and have held so closely for so long. It’s sad and it’s hard and it’s empty for a while, yet life goes on for all of us “poor schmucks” who remain behind…
Sometimes, I think they are the lucky ones; they are the ones with the expanded view – access to the mystery and the truth and the freedom. Yes, they – the dead ones – are the lucky ones, not us. They get to know in a way that we mere humans cannot. We are confined and restricted by these physical forms we wear like undersized coats for our essences. I love how Jill Bolte Taylor described this. She basically said that she wondered how she would ever fit her massive essence back into her tiny physical body as she shifted from “death” back to “life” following a stroke (See her book Stroke of Insight, and/or her TED conference presentation, which can be accessed at www.myinnerscapes.com).
That’s what I’m talking about; that’s the thing: I am – we are – not these physical beings. We are infinite, boundless, energetic somethings using a human body here. Oh the joy I will feel when I am free of this body!
Celebrate my death, y’all; celebrate it!!
19 February 2010
Celebrate: Part 2
"I found myself squelching my desire to whoop and holler and celebrate each of their departures and newfound freedom; and I shifted my focus and shed tears instead. Yet I was aware that the tears I cried were genuine compassion for all the other grieving people in the room, and maybe even a few for myself; not for my Grandfather or Grandmother."
That's what I wrote in my last post. It felt so strange… so strange to feel the deep grief of all the other people in contrast to the magnificent sense of overwhelming joy and expansiveness I felt from each of my grandparents when they died. Each of them had health issues that led to drawn-out hospitalizations before their deaths. There was such a sense of freedom on the other side of that – for them – that my own energy was pulled there rather than to any grief I might have felt. Especially after my grandmother died; I thought “She did it! She finally got past her fear and surrendered her ego. She finally let go into the Divine, and now she is free!” Oh how I wanted to celebrate that for her, with her!
Yet in this society, we can’t; it’s not acceptable to celebrate at the moment of someone’s death. It’s viewed as disrespectful and cold or even callous. Folks start talking about wills and insurance claims and motives if you celebrate a death; it’s simply not done. Nope! You wear black, keep a somber face, turn off all music, cut off all joy, and stay in mourning until an appropriate period of time passes, whatever that is, so that everyone knows that you are truly aggrieved, as you rightly should be in their view. After all, your loved one just died!
Yet what is death? What does that mean – to die? Interestingly, the Buddhists see our physical birth as death to our Spirit form, and our physical death as birth to our Spirit form. So for them, birth is death and death is birth, since the ultimate goal is to connect as deeply and intimately as possible with our Divinity, which is more closely linked to our Spirit form than our physical one.
I’ve always liked that perspective…
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
Celebrate - Part 1
The other night just as I was falling asleep, I heard a strange noise, followed by a crash in the other room. I got up to check it out. My little cat had jumped up onto a bookcase shelf and knocked a picture down to the tile floor, breaking the glass. Well, actually she knocked several pictures down, but only one broke.
It is a picture of my maternal grandparents when they were alive and healthy, yet not long before they both declined. They are sitting caddy-corner to each other on metal benches on their small front porch in the sun, my grandfather gazing lovingly at my grandmother. I’ve always liked the photo; it warms my heart in memories of the two of them who are now…well… dead. My Grandfather died in 2001; my Grandmother in 2007, and although I believe that they live on in another form in another realm, I miss them here – in this physical one.
Interestingly, I had the honor of being at each of their bedsides as they breathed their last breath of life here and then left it. And it was a concrete “leaving” that they did; I felt it. I felt the shift from life to death… to life… as if it were a gust of wind blowing past my body, only without the wind; an energetic swoosh or pull moving upward toward the sky and outward toward infinity. I felt it without feeling it, with hardly a concrete physical sensation attached to it at all. It was purely energetic, and in the end, it felt like what we call a birth more than a death… pure freedom.
At the time, I recall having an overwhelming desire to celebrate: “How strange!” I thought, “I feel like cheering and laughing!” Yet I couldn’t. Well, I could have, yet in the face of everyone else’s crying, I figured it might feel disruptive, disturbing, disrespectful, shameful, and maybe even a bit crazy at best. So I found myself squelching my desire to whoop and holler and celebrate each of their departures and newfound freedom; and I shifted my focus and shed tears instead. Yet I was aware that the tears I cried were genuine compassion for all the other grieving people in the room, and maybe even a few for myself; not for my Grandfather or Grandmother.
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
16 February 2010
Angel of Death
For some, the Angel of Death is summoned; for others, she simply appears. When she appears for any of us is an unknown. When she does, when she appears for me, will I buckle up my shoes, "walk on down to the Jordan Stream" (as Ruthie Foster so beautifully sings) and take her hand gracefully, or will I jerk away from her grasp, yank my hand back, and run for the hills??
This is something I ponder; this is something I explore more than your ordinary Jane. I've seen enough death to know that what I long for is a simple, easy parting of body from energy or energy from body. Yet the reality is that I can't know. I can't know - in that final moment - how it will actually go. I can imagine it; I can prepare for it; I can even practice it... but I can't know.
That's what this A Year To Live experience is all about; it's a sort of dress rehearsal for death. Isn't that a funny concept? Practicing how to die? Yet I know that it's in practicing new things that we move ourselves toward mastery... And so I practice what I can - allowing, surrendering, tracking my breath, clearing and opening the "exit route" for my energy body...
And in practicing how to die, I'm learning how to live... 257 days left; I'll keep you posted on how it's going.
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
This is something I ponder; this is something I explore more than your ordinary Jane. I've seen enough death to know that what I long for is a simple, easy parting of body from energy or energy from body. Yet the reality is that I can't know. I can't know - in that final moment - how it will actually go. I can imagine it; I can prepare for it; I can even practice it... but I can't know.
That's what this A Year To Live experience is all about; it's a sort of dress rehearsal for death. Isn't that a funny concept? Practicing how to die? Yet I know that it's in practicing new things that we move ourselves toward mastery... And so I practice what I can - allowing, surrendering, tracking my breath, clearing and opening the "exit route" for my energy body...
And in practicing how to die, I'm learning how to live... 257 days left; I'll keep you posted on how it's going.
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
11 February 2010
Life and Death
I recently heard from a dear friend that her sister tried to commit suicide with an overdose of prescriptions and alcohol. I thought, "She's ready for her life to change. Now she just needs some support in choosing how she wants it to change: through death, or through shifting the flavor of her life. The decision is solely hers; her life is ultimately her responsibility."
How ironic it feels to me that we - her sister and I - are both seeking change in our lives. We both want our lives to have a different flavor or quality than they do. We both recognize on some level that we are ultimately responsible for that: we must make the choices that pave the course of our lives. We both want to enjoy our lives more. We both want a way out of or past what no longer serves us. She sought relief from her feelings in death; I sought relief from my feelings through death...
The Angel of Death - and she is an Angel - is a powerful teacher. She is an Angel because she is a messenger, just as all Divine children are. She is a messenger of the Highest Power, Source, Spirit, Creator, Life Force, or God; use whatever name you want for It. Her message is that life here is temporary; we humans are impermanent beings in this realm. Whenever and however it happens, I will die to this Earthly body - we all will - and transform into another state... energetic perhaps? I cannot know for certain. I can only feel about it what I feel, and choose to believe about it what I believe.
For me, this A Year To Live journey is a way of exploring life on a deeper level by exploring death on a deeper level. It's a reminder of my temporary state here, which brings life into more focus by broadening my perspective and opening my heart. I am choosing to observe more closely the life of death that exists here in every moment, in every breath; and to appreciate the opportunity I have here to create my life anew through each of those moments and breaths, right here in this physical, temporary state of being. It is a powerful place to be; I can create - through my choices - something different in each moment... yes!
The key is to surrender and allow the unfolding of my choices and actions to happen as they will, recognizing that there is much more happening than I can be fully aware of because it is all energy moving, and energy is dynamic and not completely predictable. All I can do is do what I do with awareness, intent, and integrity; and then I can take responsibility for my choices as they unfold. I can observe what happens and then make my next choice. It is not all in my control; nor is it all out of my control. This life - my life - is an act of co-creation between my choice-making and energy's fluidity. The Angel of Death gifts me with the opportunity to make my choices more consciously and from a place of openness and love rather than constriction and fear.
Maybe that's the difference between seeking peace in death and seeking peace through death...
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
How ironic it feels to me that we - her sister and I - are both seeking change in our lives. We both want our lives to have a different flavor or quality than they do. We both recognize on some level that we are ultimately responsible for that: we must make the choices that pave the course of our lives. We both want to enjoy our lives more. We both want a way out of or past what no longer serves us. She sought relief from her feelings in death; I sought relief from my feelings through death...
The Angel of Death - and she is an Angel - is a powerful teacher. She is an Angel because she is a messenger, just as all Divine children are. She is a messenger of the Highest Power, Source, Spirit, Creator, Life Force, or God; use whatever name you want for It. Her message is that life here is temporary; we humans are impermanent beings in this realm. Whenever and however it happens, I will die to this Earthly body - we all will - and transform into another state... energetic perhaps? I cannot know for certain. I can only feel about it what I feel, and choose to believe about it what I believe.
For me, this A Year To Live journey is a way of exploring life on a deeper level by exploring death on a deeper level. It's a reminder of my temporary state here, which brings life into more focus by broadening my perspective and opening my heart. I am choosing to observe more closely the life of death that exists here in every moment, in every breath; and to appreciate the opportunity I have here to create my life anew through each of those moments and breaths, right here in this physical, temporary state of being. It is a powerful place to be; I can create - through my choices - something different in each moment... yes!
The key is to surrender and allow the unfolding of my choices and actions to happen as they will, recognizing that there is much more happening than I can be fully aware of because it is all energy moving, and energy is dynamic and not completely predictable. All I can do is do what I do with awareness, intent, and integrity; and then I can take responsibility for my choices as they unfold. I can observe what happens and then make my next choice. It is not all in my control; nor is it all out of my control. This life - my life - is an act of co-creation between my choice-making and energy's fluidity. The Angel of Death gifts me with the opportunity to make my choices more consciously and from a place of openness and love rather than constriction and fear.
Maybe that's the difference between seeking peace in death and seeking peace through death...
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
08 February 2010
Water, Water, Water
Wow - 100 days behind me already!! Now, both counts are in the "three-digits." The tide is ever so slowly turning...
It's raining today. Grey clouds fill the sky. Following about 7 years of extreme drought, I am in awe of the Water Element as I see the bridges and low water crossings around here spilling over with water; and all the creeks and rivers, especially the Pedernales River, so beautifully flowing with water; and as I connect with friends in Peru who are collecting donations to support residents who lost their homes and crops to recent flooding and mudslides there...
Water - cleansing, washing, purifying, nourishing, flowing; water also represents the emotional body and spaciousness. What are the messages that I am being so strongly given by Water right now? What am I being asked to cleanse, wash, purify, and nourish within my own being? Am I standing in my emotional integrity and spaciousness, or am I hiding my truth and constricting my own energetic or emotional flow? Where are the places in my life that I need to clean, nourish, open, and create more movement? Where are the places that I am leaking energy or dumping heaviness through my own energetic or emotional mudslide that I can secure or shore up? How can I restore even more balance and harmony to my being and in my life?
Today, water is giving me an opportunity to take a more refined look at myself and my being so that I can live more wholly from a place of emotional integrity, balance, and fullness. I wonder what the rest of the 265 days will bring, happy that there are still more days ahead than behind...
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
It's raining today. Grey clouds fill the sky. Following about 7 years of extreme drought, I am in awe of the Water Element as I see the bridges and low water crossings around here spilling over with water; and all the creeks and rivers, especially the Pedernales River, so beautifully flowing with water; and as I connect with friends in Peru who are collecting donations to support residents who lost their homes and crops to recent flooding and mudslides there...
Water - cleansing, washing, purifying, nourishing, flowing; water also represents the emotional body and spaciousness. What are the messages that I am being so strongly given by Water right now? What am I being asked to cleanse, wash, purify, and nourish within my own being? Am I standing in my emotional integrity and spaciousness, or am I hiding my truth and constricting my own energetic or emotional flow? Where are the places in my life that I need to clean, nourish, open, and create more movement? Where are the places that I am leaking energy or dumping heaviness through my own energetic or emotional mudslide that I can secure or shore up? How can I restore even more balance and harmony to my being and in my life?
Today, water is giving me an opportunity to take a more refined look at myself and my being so that I can live more wholly from a place of emotional integrity, balance, and fullness. I wonder what the rest of the 265 days will bring, happy that there are still more days ahead than behind...
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
04 February 2010
Fire & Water
So it's done nothing but rain for two days here in Central Texas.... beautiful! Rain is the Element of Water - cleansing, purifying, washing away what no longer serves to make space for what does. Water through sweat, spit, urine, and tears purifies and detoxes the body, creating spaciousness in the being. And just as the rain supports and nourishes new plant and animal growth and life, water supports and nourishes human growth and life by quenching our thirst and washing us clean. On the microcosmic level, our bodies are primarily made up of water and space. What I love the most about the Element of Water is that it supports our integrity of expression, especially with our emotions. It teaches us how to be "fluid" with ourselves and in our expressions of ourselves as we move through this dynamic life. So I say "Welcome!" to the rain that is such a powerful Elemental ally. It graciously offers so many gifts to me...
And what a perfect compliment it is to what I did last weekend: Last Saturday, I participated in a ceremonial firewalk focused on naming intentions and then feeding energy into them: What do I want to create in this life I have left? Where am I now and where do I want to go from here? The facilitator of this walk is one of my spiritual teachers, guides, and mentors; he is particularly powerful when it comes to energy play, especially with the Element of Fire. So the small, private event was a powerful experience and I immediately began to see the effects of what I'd set in motion; I'm talking - THAT night!
The Element of Fire is about transformation. Fire burns away the old to make space for the new. It clears blocks to movement and then heals, nourishes and restores the space it purged. How beautiful is that? Fire is about our spirit, our life force energy and our passion. It is about our intention. It restores our sense of curiosity and innocence, bringing us fully present to appreciate each moment as a brand new opportunity to explore and engage with life and its mysteries.
I can "see" and track the movement of the energy I (we) awakened that night in my life. Opportunities are arising everywhere in support of the intentions that I set; they are unmistakable! And so I gratefully and respectfully say "YES!" to them. And I realize that in order for me to birth and hold these things, I must first purge what no longer serves my newest intentions, to create the spaciousness for what's arising now within my being. The initial purge was with fire; I left the firewalk with very clear messages of what internal and energetic blocks needed to be cleared for me to move forward with my intents. So, I have done ceremony and practices to clear them. Now, I have the beautiful, soothing rainwater as a gentle reminder of what residue still needs cleansing. Yes, today I celebrate the powerful gifts from the Elements of Fire and Water that so graciously support my expansion and movement along this journey of joy-filled Divine service.
"How much time do I have to see these things through before I die?" I ask myself; and the answer is: "About 9 months. Wow - that's not a whole lot of time. Is it? What can I do in 9 months?" And then I think, "Well, that's a silly question! New human life is grown in 9 months!" And that thought makes me feel really empowered and inspired! I may not be birthing human babies, but I am birthing babies of a different sort all the time: books, articles, blogs, classes, prayers, songs, ideas, friendships, openings for other people, and on and on and on...
In 9 months, I can create openings for brand new life to seed, develop, and emerge... How great is that??
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
And what a perfect compliment it is to what I did last weekend: Last Saturday, I participated in a ceremonial firewalk focused on naming intentions and then feeding energy into them: What do I want to create in this life I have left? Where am I now and where do I want to go from here? The facilitator of this walk is one of my spiritual teachers, guides, and mentors; he is particularly powerful when it comes to energy play, especially with the Element of Fire. So the small, private event was a powerful experience and I immediately began to see the effects of what I'd set in motion; I'm talking - THAT night!
The Element of Fire is about transformation. Fire burns away the old to make space for the new. It clears blocks to movement and then heals, nourishes and restores the space it purged. How beautiful is that? Fire is about our spirit, our life force energy and our passion. It is about our intention. It restores our sense of curiosity and innocence, bringing us fully present to appreciate each moment as a brand new opportunity to explore and engage with life and its mysteries.
I can "see" and track the movement of the energy I (we) awakened that night in my life. Opportunities are arising everywhere in support of the intentions that I set; they are unmistakable! And so I gratefully and respectfully say "YES!" to them. And I realize that in order for me to birth and hold these things, I must first purge what no longer serves my newest intentions, to create the spaciousness for what's arising now within my being. The initial purge was with fire; I left the firewalk with very clear messages of what internal and energetic blocks needed to be cleared for me to move forward with my intents. So, I have done ceremony and practices to clear them. Now, I have the beautiful, soothing rainwater as a gentle reminder of what residue still needs cleansing. Yes, today I celebrate the powerful gifts from the Elements of Fire and Water that so graciously support my expansion and movement along this journey of joy-filled Divine service.
"How much time do I have to see these things through before I die?" I ask myself; and the answer is: "About 9 months. Wow - that's not a whole lot of time. Is it? What can I do in 9 months?" And then I think, "Well, that's a silly question! New human life is grown in 9 months!" And that thought makes me feel really empowered and inspired! I may not be birthing human babies, but I am birthing babies of a different sort all the time: books, articles, blogs, classes, prayers, songs, ideas, friendships, openings for other people, and on and on and on...
In 9 months, I can create openings for brand new life to seed, develop, and emerge... How great is that??
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
02 February 2010
Won't it be nice
Yesterday I moved into "Month 4" of my last year to live... 3 months down; 9 to go...
As my Year to Live clock ticks its way down, won't it be nice to simply allow? To allow what is to be, and to allow it to be OK whatever it is, trusting that it is all in alignment and that it is all perfect for each one of us? Won't it be nice to use each moment left of my life for honesty, growth, and expansion, even the parts that feel uncomfortable? Even the parts that are hard to look at and feel? Even when my heart breaks or aches? Won't it be nice to die knowing that I did my best, and that I honored the Divine in myself, in each person, and in each moment that I had as best as I could? Won't it be nice to hold my heart full of love, compassion, equanimity, and joy all the time? Yes, won't that be nice?
Can I do that???
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
As my Year to Live clock ticks its way down, won't it be nice to simply allow? To allow what is to be, and to allow it to be OK whatever it is, trusting that it is all in alignment and that it is all perfect for each one of us? Won't it be nice to use each moment left of my life for honesty, growth, and expansion, even the parts that feel uncomfortable? Even the parts that are hard to look at and feel? Even when my heart breaks or aches? Won't it be nice to die knowing that I did my best, and that I honored the Divine in myself, in each person, and in each moment that I had as best as I could? Won't it be nice to hold my heart full of love, compassion, equanimity, and joy all the time? Yes, won't that be nice?
Can I do that???
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
01 February 2010
It's a matter of perception
Yesterday I got a clear reflection of where I am today when an old "thorn" thrust itself into my beautiful day...
"Wow, he's really PISSED!" I thought, as this person raged over the phone. What was different for me this time is that I did not identify with it; I did not take it personally, take it on, or take it in... well, that's not exactly true. I held my energy centered, listened to the energy of what he was expressing, felt the intensity of his body as he tried to navigate his way through the emotional eruption, and then, when he was done and said he was going to hang up, I simply said, "I love you" and hung up. And then I felt compassion for him, for the suffering he creates in his life and for the poison he spews out to those who love him.
I had an instant - well, maybe a few moments really - of questioning myself, of doubting and scolding myself ("How could I have missed that? I was so careful! I can't believe I did it again; I pissed him off again..."), and of judging him ("He's made up all these stories about me in his head, and now he's searching for proof that he's right! He just looks for data to validate his perception of me, and that's all he sees.") It's that part of me that, after all these years, still wants him to see me the way I see myself; still wants him to like me, respect me, appreciate me, love me. I don't like the stories or the person he's created me into; I want him to see the real me!
And then I see it: I'm just like him: I want to be right - about me. There's the "hook!" The game I'm playing is really no different from his. I see myself a certain way and I want him to see me that way too, instead of the way he does. I've made up my own stories of me and am searching for proof that I'm right; and all I see are the things that support my perception of myself; and I reject the things that don't... Wow. My game is no different from his; it just looks a bit different.
So there's a piece of work to be done - clearing old fears and beliefs that drive that train. What parts of this energy do I own and how can I shift them? "Yay!" I say to myself: "That's great information!" And then, I realize just how far I've come since I began this journey years ago. Used to, an incident like that would have floored me - dropped me right down to my knees in emotional pain. It would have knocked the breath right out of me and I would have taken it all in and on as somehow my fault, judging myself as not good enough, not worthy, and not lovable...never even considering that his perception really has little to do with me because it's nothing more than his story of me.
Today, I get clarity, and through the clarity I can take action that is aligned with what I'm creating - with the me that I'm consciously becoming. I can feel compassion for him and for myself, for our shared journeys, and for our internal distortions. And I can thank him for being such a spectacular teacher for me, supporting me in moving my own soul ever closer to its truth. And I can smile, filled with love for each one of us, even if he doesn't know it. And I can breathe in the peace that comes with having an open, spacious heart no matter what.
Ah - so that's what it feels like. That's how it feels to stand in my own integrity and to honor it, while honoring others as they stand in theirs too, however it looks and however it feels. I mean INTEGRITY with a capital 'I' - that inner truth that is uniquely mine based on my own perceptions, beliefs, etc. There's no right or wrong; there just is. He is and I am - we both are doing our best in each moment with the information that we have at the time. And that's a beautiful thing because that's all we can really ever do.
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
"Wow, he's really PISSED!" I thought, as this person raged over the phone. What was different for me this time is that I did not identify with it; I did not take it personally, take it on, or take it in... well, that's not exactly true. I held my energy centered, listened to the energy of what he was expressing, felt the intensity of his body as he tried to navigate his way through the emotional eruption, and then, when he was done and said he was going to hang up, I simply said, "I love you" and hung up. And then I felt compassion for him, for the suffering he creates in his life and for the poison he spews out to those who love him.
I had an instant - well, maybe a few moments really - of questioning myself, of doubting and scolding myself ("How could I have missed that? I was so careful! I can't believe I did it again; I pissed him off again..."), and of judging him ("He's made up all these stories about me in his head, and now he's searching for proof that he's right! He just looks for data to validate his perception of me, and that's all he sees.") It's that part of me that, after all these years, still wants him to see me the way I see myself; still wants him to like me, respect me, appreciate me, love me. I don't like the stories or the person he's created me into; I want him to see the real me!
And then I see it: I'm just like him: I want to be right - about me. There's the "hook!" The game I'm playing is really no different from his. I see myself a certain way and I want him to see me that way too, instead of the way he does. I've made up my own stories of me and am searching for proof that I'm right; and all I see are the things that support my perception of myself; and I reject the things that don't... Wow. My game is no different from his; it just looks a bit different.
So there's a piece of work to be done - clearing old fears and beliefs that drive that train. What parts of this energy do I own and how can I shift them? "Yay!" I say to myself: "That's great information!" And then, I realize just how far I've come since I began this journey years ago. Used to, an incident like that would have floored me - dropped me right down to my knees in emotional pain. It would have knocked the breath right out of me and I would have taken it all in and on as somehow my fault, judging myself as not good enough, not worthy, and not lovable...never even considering that his perception really has little to do with me because it's nothing more than his story of me.
Today, I get clarity, and through the clarity I can take action that is aligned with what I'm creating - with the me that I'm consciously becoming. I can feel compassion for him and for myself, for our shared journeys, and for our internal distortions. And I can thank him for being such a spectacular teacher for me, supporting me in moving my own soul ever closer to its truth. And I can smile, filled with love for each one of us, even if he doesn't know it. And I can breathe in the peace that comes with having an open, spacious heart no matter what.
Ah - so that's what it feels like. That's how it feels to stand in my own integrity and to honor it, while honoring others as they stand in theirs too, however it looks and however it feels. I mean INTEGRITY with a capital 'I' - that inner truth that is uniquely mine based on my own perceptions, beliefs, etc. There's no right or wrong; there just is. He is and I am - we both are doing our best in each moment with the information that we have at the time. And that's a beautiful thing because that's all we can really ever do.
©2010 Cecilia L. Zúñiga. A Year To Live. All Rights Reserved. Reprints, copies or reproductions of any kind must be accompanied by copyright credit line.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)